Page 23 of Finding Limits

“Not at all.” I slam the journal closed.

“I’ve been thinking about those awful books you’ve been stuck reading, and I hooked you up.” She places her pile on the table in front of me.

“What are they?” I lift up the top one and blush when I see that the guy on the cover has his shirt open. He’s got strong chest muscles like Mitch, but he’s missing the hair that covers them that I like.

“Maisie calls it romance, I call it smut. But the stories are good. These men know how to treat their women, and there's nothing like a good, old love story to restore your faith in humanity,” she points out.

“Well, I appreciate it.” I smile up at her, realizing that I’m genuinely happy to see her. It feels like another step forward.

“You’re welcome. Once a month, me, Leia, and Maisie get together and talk about a book we read together. We started off with Little Women but after I had my turn to make the selection, we never went back.” She winks as she heads over to the stove and picks up the kettle.

“Are you staying?” I ask, hoping that she is. Savannah’s company makes the time pass much faster.

“I only got half an hour, I promised Leia I’d look after Dalton while she goes out to lunch with her mom and sister. Her and her mother don’t really get on. If I was her I wouldn't go at all, but she does it for Karina.” Savannah bustles around the kitchen and makes me a coffee while I sit and listen to her ranting.

I wonder if this is what normal is like. It doesn’t feel as if Savannah is here because she has to look after me, or because she’s been told to. I really think she chose to come out here and spend time with me. I can’t help feeling disappointed when she realizes that she’s lost track of time and has to go.

I see her to the door, then notice what a beautiful day we’re having and I decide to push another one of my boundaries. Picking up one of the books she brought me, I take a deep breath and head on out to the porch so I can read it.

I never venture out here unless I have to put out laundry or hang the lantern for Mitch when he’s home late. It sounds stupid considering the man has spent his whole life living on this ranch, but there is nothing but hills and fields surrounding this cabin. I worry every time he leaves that he won’t find his way home to me, and that fear has me stepping out the door and lighting the lantern, even if it’s dark.

I take the bench seat that's under the kitchen window and get started on the book, feeling proud of what I’m achieving, even if my steps are small.

Ifeel bad for leaving the way I did, but seeing the way she looked at me and hearing her say she wanted to give me more, suddenly made me feel like a fraud. Sleeping beside her last night felt like torture, all I wanted to do was touch her again. To wrap her up in my arms and be that comfort she needs. I was just scared of pushing her too far.

Turns out, the second I switched off my body it let me down and did it anyway.

Waking up beside her this morning felt like the kinda thing I wanna do for the rest of my life. But I have to remember that this girl only sees the man who steps through the door at night. She doesn’t know about the souls I got on my conscience or the secrets I keep that could set Hell ablaze.

I’ve seen some of the shit the Carson women have been through because of who they are and what their men do. The cost of loving a branded man is a tough one to pay, and Everleigh has been through far too much to survive that.

I should be helping her heal so she can move on and find herself some happiness outta this life, instead, I find myself fantasizing about being that happiness. I want to be the dream inside her nightmare and the hope for her future, and that’s real selfish of me.

I saddle up JD and tether up the horse, Wade’s been training, beside us before I head out the gate. She seems a lot better than the last time I took her out, and JD is a great horse to learn from. Though I’m sure I don’t need to tell Wade that she’s gonna be a lost cause when it comes to driving cattle. She’s far too skittish.

I ride a few miles, trying to get Everleigh outta my head, and all I feel is guilt for the way I left this morning. She looked so happy when I woke up, she wasn’t scared by the fact I was holding her. In fact, she made sure I didn’t pull away. I ruined it all by getting weird on her.

Everleigh doesn’t need me acting like a love-sick teenager around her. She needs a man. One who ain’t scared to feel, and ain’t scared to show her those feelings. It’s gonna take time for her to adjust to this life, and she’s got a long way to go before she heals. I wanna be there for her every step of it. I’ve never felt about a female this strongly and I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and right and wrong. My conscience tells me that letting her go would be the kind and decent thing to do, but I’ve never been good at listening to that.

I change my direction and head toward the cabin, knowing I need to apologize to her. She’s gonna be alone and overthinking. I hate the idea of her thinking she did something wrong. I’ve spent the past few years dishing out advice to the boys, tellin’ ‘em they gotta tell their girls how they feel, and I think it’s high time I take my own advice. I should let her know I'm scared, let her know that I want the more that she’s offering but I'm too damn afraid to take it.

I have to check twice when the cabin comes into view and I see Everleigh sitting out on the porch. She hardly ever leaves the cabin, which concerns me, so to see her out in the fresh air comes as a welcomed surprise.

She’s reading a book and quickly places it down when she notices me riding toward her.

“Hey.” She stands up looking a little flustered, and I wonder if it’s because of how I left her earlier. I don’t want her to start feeling uncomfortable around me like she did when she first got here.

“I need to talk to you.” I tether the horses to the porch rail and step in front of her.

“She’s beautiful.” Everleigh’s attention moves past me and to the horse. She reaches out her hand to touch her and I’m about to warn that she gets freaked out easily, but I stop when I notice how the horse bows her head to invite Everleigh’s touch.

“I’ve never seen one in real life.” She makes the most beautiful giggle as the mare lifts her head and demands more of her attention.

“She’s beautiful, alright.” I stare at the girl and realize that everything I’ve just convinced myself of is wrong. I can’t keep this girl here, trapped with an old man like me. Not when there’s a whole world of beautiful out there for her to see.

“What did you want to talk about?” Everleigh turns to look at me with that pretty smile still on her face.

“I… I can’t remember.” I smile back sadly as I watch her focus back on the horse, stroking her nose over the railings and looking so perfect that my heart feels as if it’s bleeding.

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