Page 25 of Hard To Stay

“Lexi, it was what I said afterwards that I need to apologize for, because it came out all wrong.”

Her bright blue eyes grew stern, narrowing into doubting slits. “I don’t see how I could have misunderstood what you meant. Your words seemed perfectly clear to me.”

I folded my hands behind my neck and looked up at the ceiling, allowing my mind to think of a reply. The room grew deathly quiet while I mulled over the words that would make sense.

Nothing was registering in my head even though I had practiced this speech for hours. The pressure I felt was slowly turning into annoyance because I kept coming up empty. After a few more awkward seconds ticked by, I grew anxious knowing I had to get this out. My comment about Emily last night had put us between a rock and a hard place. She needed an explanation if I was ever going to make things right between us.

“What I said to you last night was not only fucked up, but it came out all wrong. I don’t like talking about my ex, but I know you need to hear this.” I watched her eyes widen as I continued. “I’m going to give you the short version. Her name was Emily. We dated for two and half years. She broke up with me the day she found the engagement ring I was planning on giving her.”

I tried to ignore the pinching in my chest as I popped the lid off my steaming hot cup of coffee. Lexi’s eyes followed my movements as I reached in the bag to pull out the cream and sugar packets. Once her coffee was fixed just the way she liked it, I slid it over to her.

“It really messed with my head because the break-up came out of nowhere. One minute everything was perfect, then the next, boom.” I smacked my hands together to keep them from balling into fists. I still harbored a fair amount of anger towards my ex, but one thing was clear to me. Since I met Lexi, I focused on it less and less. Hope replaced some of the pain in my heart and it felt like the wound was finally starting to heal.

She just sat there without saying a single word, allowing me to continue. “I thought she just got spooked and needed time to let it sink in.” A dry laugh escaped my throat as I thought back to how stupid I was for believing that. “But as it turned out I was wrong because she had met someone else less than a month later. Not that it made any difference, but I still held out hope. You want to know why? Because she told me that she still needed me in her life, even if we weren’t together anymore. So, I held onto that small thread of hope that she would find her way back to me. Because I knew, deep down inside that she still loved me. And then there was a moment when she and Chase broke up and who do you think she ran to for comfort?” I raised my arm pointing my finger to my chest.

Lexi’s freshly painted pink fingernails flattened around the Styrofoam cup she was holding and squeezed it so tight I thought she might crush it. Her concern for me had my chest feeling a little lighter. “So, what happened? Did she realize she made a mistake?”

I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud while shaking my head. “NO! Are you kidding me? They got back together and a few short weeks later she cut me out of her life entirely and married him.”

Lexi’s mouth hung open a few seconds before she snapped it shut. Her eyes turned a darker shade of blue, the color of new, unwashed denim. She looked pissed. “Why the hell would you still want her back after all that?”

“See that’s what I need you to understand. What I had with her was everything to me at the time.” I stressed placing that word in past tense. “I miss the comfort of our relationship. I miss the life we had together and the friendship we shared. Most of all though, I miss the man I used to be when I was with her.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with the man you are right now.”

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “No, you wouldn’t because I’m different with you.”

She defensively crossed her arms across her chest, pushing her amazing breasts into full view. I shifted in my seat, hoping she wouldn’t notice the stolen glance. “What does that mean, Brad?” She asked, cautiously, narrowing her eyes.

“It means Emily left me in a very dark place. I had pretty much given up any hope that I would ever feel that way again. I was so blind I couldn’t see straight. Then you came along, shining your light on me. Opening my eyes with the possibility of a future.”

I hated to tell her what I had to say next, but she needed to hear the truth. She deserved that much. “Here’s the tricky part. I’m still not whole. I’m still damaged, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you while I’m trying to find my way back.”

She leaned forward in her chair, resting her hand flat against her neck as she spoke. “I’m sorry about your ex. I get why you’re so cautious, and I understand you need time to get back to a place where you want to be. Believe me. I get that, but I want you to know something, too. Since I’ve met you, I’ve noticed my darkness fading a little more with each passing day. You’re not the only one who is still struggling. But thanks to you, it’s gotten a lot easier.”

Even though our darkness came from different circumstances, we both seemed to be stuck in the same emotional purgatory. Neither one of us deserved the personal hell our exes had created for us.

“I’m glad. If anyone deserves a life filled with brightness, it’s you.” I told her honestly.

Her mouth turned up in a small smile that didn’t quite match the look in her eyes. “You deserve to be happy too, Brad… but I won’t stand in anyone else’s shadow.” This conversation was headed to a place that I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

“Thank you for that… for being honest with me.” I cleared my throat, feeling it grow sticky inside. “So, do you forgive me for being an asshole?”

“You are far from an asshole.” She laughed, which caused a slow grin to break across my face. I was relieved that the heaviness of our little heart-to-heart was slowly lifting. I could feel the air start to filter back into the room. She stood and walked back into the kitchen. I leaned forward, rose from my chair and followed her over to the sink, keeping a respectable distance.

“I like you Lexi, A LOT. I want to continue to spend time with you. Not just because I want to protect you, but because I like the way you make me feel when we’re together. I just can’t offer you more than that right now. And honestly, I don’t think you’re ready for more than that right now, either.”

Her back was facing me, leaving me with no choice but to silently watch her while my words started to slowly sink in. I released the breath I’d been holding in when she finally turned towards me. It bothered me that she still couldn’t look me in the eyes.

“Thank you for being honest with me but I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to say.” She slid her eyes over to mine, and I suddenly wished she hadn’t. It was clear my words had wounded her. The hurt look on her face had me swallowing past the thickness in my throat. “I’m not going to pretend that I don’t feel something for you that runs deeper than just friendship. Just like I’m not going to lie and tell you that your inability to move on doesn’t disappoint me. In fact,” I watched as she leaned her hip against the counter and crossed her arms. “After everything you just shared with me, I’m beyond disappointed. I’m conflicted. Part of me understands where you’re coming from, and the other part is frustrated because your words are telling me one thing and your actions quite another. So, until we can both get our shit figured out, it’s probably best that we stay just friends. You’ve become someone very important to me and I would hate to lose what we do have.”

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that. But for the record, I’m just as conflicted as you are. I think we just need to take things one step at a time.”

“Right.” She nodded, “but we’ll be taking those steps as friends.”

“Right.” For now, I silently told myself.

Even though we just seemed to reach an understanding, I was still feeling a bit out of my element. This girl had me all twisted up inside. She was everything I could ever need and everything I wasn’t ready for. How was I supposed to navigate through this relationship without crossing a line somewhere? How was I supposed to hold back when all I wanted to do was move forward? The connection I had with her had the potential to be something big. Possibly bigger than what I’d had with Emily. I needed to find a way to balance keeping her close, without sending her mixed signals.

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