Page 74 of The Unraveling

It was a strange, unfamiliar feeling, a shock of searing pain that I pretended didn’t happen. My mind was racing, thinking again and again that I just couldn’t believe it was happening, that I was really doing it.

The movements felt natural and yet completely foreign. I was aware of how to move with him, but the strange, primal nature of that compulsion made me feel disconnected from the experience itself.

There were moments where it started to feel good, but mostly I felt nervous and eager for it to end. I was suddenly anxious we would be caught. If we were, I’d be so…bare.

I could tell it was almost over when Nick’s breathing changed and his posture shifted.

And then it was over.

My legs were shaking worse than ever as he climbed off of me, panting and saying, “I love you so much.”

I said, “I love you, too,” in a voice that felt far away and small.

“That was so good,” he said. “You’re so good.”

I wasn’t sure how this was possible as I had pretty much lain there. But I said, “You too.”

I scrambled to put everything back on, surveying the area around to make sure no one was there, watching us.

Then a surge of panic, almost like buyer’s remorse, hit me and I asked, “Was everything—like, normal with the condom?”

He laughed. “What do you mean?”

“Like—it didn’t break or anything?”

“No, it was fine,” he said. “Fuck. That was so good. You’re so fucking hot.”

I smiled, but felt a little cold toward him and I couldn’t put my finger on why. He hadn’t done anything wrong. It was my idea. I wanted it. So why did I feel so…off?

“I should get back,” I said.

“Already?”

“My mom wakes up sometimes, it’s just better if I’m there. I don’t want to get caught.”

“Okay. Do you want me to walk you home?”

I shook my head before thinking about it. “No, that’s okay. If she woke up or something, it’s better if I’m alone. I can just say I went for a walk or something.”

He shrugged. “You’re sure, then okay.”

I gave him a kiss and then said, “Well…bye.”

I couldn’t figure out why the hell I was feeling so awkward.

I ran the whole way home, my body feeling weak and hollowed out.

I turned onto my street, feeling weird that it was so the same as it had been just a little while ago when I left. My whole world had changed. So how were the frogs here singing the same song as ever?

The house was obliging yet again as I snuck inside, and I was grateful. I stepped lightly past my mom’s bedroom door, then into my own room. I shut the door.

I slept in my clothes that night, not really wanting to be naked again. When I woke up the next day, it took me a moment to remember why I felt so different inside.

I went about the day normally, acting like everything was fine, and even sometimes believing it was.

Just before dinner that night, as my mom made the usual healthy stir-fry, my phone rang.

“It’s Nick,” I said, answering the phone and covering the mouthpiece. “I’m gonna go out front for just a minute.”

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