Page 135 of The Golden Rose Of Valenul

After a long moment, Azriel lifted his face and turned to her. His eyes, red from tears, shone bright. “I can’t do this.”

A heavy feeling sank through her. “What do you mean?”

“All of this.” He gestured at the room and papers on the desk. “I’m living a lie—a lie he made me commit to.”

The air felt thin around her. Ariadne took a half step back to look at him more clearly. Yes, it was all new to him. None of it had been meant for him to endure. The fate of the Caldwells landed in his lap just as surely as her own as the Golden Rose. The difference between the titles, however, were stark; while hers lasted a Season, his now remained his responsibility for life.

“He?” Ariadne searched him as he pushed back from the desk and stood, putting distance between them. “The Lord Governor?”

“Madan.” The name left Azriel in a quiet, raspy rush. He turned away from her, and a soft pounding told her he hit his chest several times. “Madan made it all happen. For me. So I could have hope. But I don’t deserve it. It’s a mess. I’m a liar. A fraud. He was supposed to be here—to help me.”

Ariadne shook her head, unable to keep up with what he said. Again she reached for him. “No, you have done so much to earn this position. My love—”

“Don’t.” He pulled away again, swinging his wide-eyed gaze around to stare at her. “You should hate me.”

Now she froze. Nothing connected. His thought patterns, his words, his reasoning for feeling as he did. None of it made sense. After all he had done for her, she could never hate him. “Why?”

“Because I am a monster.” He pounded his chest again, a little harder this time, as tears spilled down his face.

Ariadne shook her head. Yes, what she witnessed leaving the Dodd Estate had been shocking, but he had done what was required to keep them safe. Before he could move away, she closed the distance between them and caught his fist. She kissed the bruises fading from his knuckles. “No, you are not. You did what you must to protect me—protect us.”

Still, Azriel cried, and he looked to the ceiling as though imploring the gods for their help. He gasped for breath. “But I didn’t protect you.”

She took his face in her hands, forcing his gaze back to her. “You did everything you could. The dhemons—they are the true monsters.”

He gaped at her, a pained silence stretching out between them. “You’re right.”

“I know I am.” She kissed his lips softly. “I know I am. You saved me, and you will save Madan, too.”

To her surprise, he did not return the kiss. Only more tears slipped down his cheeks. When he spoke, his voice was a soft, crackling whisper. “I can’t lose either of you again.”

A crease formed between Ariadne’s brows. Her heart thundered in her chest, and she pulled back, dark thoughts pushing their way to the forefront of her mind. None of it added up. Fraud. Liar. Monster. “What do you mean again?”

“Ariadne…”

“What does that mean, Azriel?” She searched his face. “You never lost me before. I chose you.”

Panic flashed in his eyes, and he opened and closed his mouth several times as though having just realized what he said. What it meant. What questions she would ask next. “No…I—”

“I need to know what you mean.”

“I can’t.”

She covered her mouth and shook her head, hoping the movement would shake the horrible possibilities from her mind. The direction this conversation went had not been what she expected. Her lungs burned with each inhale. “Why not?”

“It will ruin everything.”

“How?” Her voice cracked on the word.

He had been there the night she had been kidnapped. Did he not prevent it from happening for some reason? Did he let the dhemon into the manor?

“Please,” he said softly. He stepped forward, and she bumped into the desk as she backed away. “Please, forget I said anything.”

“Tell me the truth.”

“The truth is I hate myself.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “And if you hated me like that, I wouldn’t be able to live with it.”

Ariadne clutched at her burning throat. “You are not making me feel better.”

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