Page 80 of Give Me Strength

Bonnie breaks the silence, her voice softer this time. “How are you holding up?” she asks, looking at me, her gaze steady. “Really.”

“Barely,” I whisper, feeling the weight of my actions more acutely than ever. “I feel like I’ve lost her. It’s an irrational thought, I know. I want to make things right, but I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me.”

“She will,” Bonnie says softly. “She’s new to relationships, as are you, so it’s going to take time. You need to be patient and give her the space she needs. She might not realize it, but what happened with Leland affected her the way that it did because of what went down with Rachel’s mother. I asked her to stop talking yesterday, because I didn’t want that smart mouth of hers getting the better of her brain and lumping you in the same category as those two. But could you please let her know you’re alive? A simple text should suffice, otherwise she’ll file a missing person’s report.”

I nod, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips. It doesn’t feel as hopeless as it did yesterday. “I will. I just… I don’t want to lose her. She’s my world.”

“Then show her that,” she says, her voice gentle but firm. “Be honest, be patient, be yourself, and be there for her when she’s ready. It’s all you can do.” A beat passes, then she places her hand over mine. “I’m truly sorry for how it all came out. I never intended to hurt Lynn or you. I thought she knew, and I was just trying to be supportive.”

I look at her, seeing the sincerity in her eyes. “I know, Bonnie. It’s not your fault. I should’ve told her before we…” I trail off at that. “She deserves the full truth, and I owe it to her to give it to her directly. But I won’t push her. I’ll wait until she’s ready, then I’ll tell her everything.”

“And I think she’ll appreciate hearing it from you, in your own words.” She curls her fingers over my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I know it won’t be easy for either one of you, but it’s the right thing to do. And in the meantime, take care of yourself too. You’re no good to anyone if you’re falling apart. Know that if you fall apart, Lynn will fall apart too, and that will mess with her dreams. And I believe I warned you not to interfere with her dreams, or else.”

The threat of castration seems pretty minimal, in the grand scheme of things.

Still, I manage a tired smile. “I happen to like my balls where they are.”

“Good, ‘cause I want grand kids.” A beat passes, her eyes go wide as she quickly adds, “At least ten years from now, and only if Lynn wants them. So help me God, if you knock her up before then, I will chop them off.”

“Jesus Christ, woman! Ease up on the maiming talk, will you?”

She shrugs and leans back in the couch. “I only have one niece, and knowing her, she’ll only ever have one boyfriend. Besides, be grateful you’re dealing with me, and not Hannah. She was a ruthless mama bear where Lynn was concerned. Rachel was the same way too. So, when you consider the alternatives, be grateful you only have me to contend with. And my scalpel.”

Point taken.

“Thank you for coming,” I say quietly. “I needed this. And in case I don’t say it enough, thank you. For making sure Lynn is… alright. For always looking out for her, protecting her. For checking on me, for being here. It means a lot.”

“You’re family,” she says simply, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.. “And family looks out for each other, even when things get tough. Especially when things get tough.”

I nod, feeling the weight of her words. “I appreciate it. Truly.”

We sit in silence for a few more minutes, the quiet comforting in its own way. Eventually, Bonnie stands, giving my hand one last reassuring squeeze. “Take care of yourself, Gilbert. And remember, you’re not alone in this. We’ll all get through this, one step at a time.”

“Thank you,” I say again, watching as she heads for the door. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

She leaves, and I’m alone once more.

Only this time, the solitude feels a little less suffocating. A small flicker of hope flares to life within me. I have a long road ahead, but I know what I need to do. With the support of those who care about me, maybe — just maybe — I can find a way to make things right.

33

ASHLYNN

The days blur together as I struggle with Gilbert’s absence. It doesn’t help that our home — I’m not sure when I started calling it that, only that I am and it is — feels noticeably absent without his imposing presence.

True to his word, he has given me the space I asked for. Save for the lone text message letting me know he’s alive, he hasn’t contacted me since.

And I hate it.

I fucking hate it.

It’s been four days and his scent still lingers in the air. Every little thing reminds me of him: the couch where we used to cuddle, the kitchen where we shared many a late night cup of tea and coffee, even both of our beds where we whispered secrets late into the night as we explored each other’s bodies. The pain of missing him far outweighs the weight of his betrayal. Omission. Whatever it was, I find that I don’t care anymore.

I want that back. I want him home.

I miss him like crazy, and it’s a constant ache that never goes away.

But he is nowhere to be found.

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