Page 84 of Give Me Strength

The twinkle I’ve come to love makes an appearance. “Ash, there’s so much I need to tell you," he says instead, his voice trembling slightly.

I nod, my heart pounding in my chest. “Go on,” I say softly.

He looks down at our entwined hands, gathering his thoughts. “My family is… complicated, always has been. Rachel was my best friend, and I hers. We met when we were fourteen, and were inseparable after. That part, neither of us lied about. But what we didn’t tell people was that the only reason we met was because my father married her mother. It was sudden too. As in, I came home from school one day to a new step mother and step sister. And that was that.

“Funny thing is, I wasn’t interested in a mother figure and Rachel wasn’t interested in a father figure either, so we bonded over our shared mutual dislike of the unwanted parental figures in our respective lives.” A sad smile plays at his lips as he admits this. “Then, over time, we discovered we had a lot more in common. Same books, same movies, same favorite foods, you name it. I was an A+ student at the top of my class, while Rachel was a C+ student at best — according to her mother when they first moved in — so naturally we started studying together. Her grades got better, which everybody liked, and eventually we turned that into a friendly competition because that’s who we were. Plus, it was fun having someone to study with who didn’t automatically assume you would let them cheat off you. But it was more than that. We trusted each other. We were each other’s safe haven. Aside from studying, we did everything together, except for ballet, of course. I would tag along to dance competitions with her, mostly because apart from studying I had nothing better to do.”

I feel a pang of sympathy, but I remain silent, letting him continue.

“In hindsight, I can see why people didn’t believe us when we said we weren’t sleeping together, given how close we were. Her mother, especially, did not believe us. She was adamant about it too, because boys and girls cannot be just friends. We were seventeen at the time. We didn’t date other people. We didn’t have other friends apart from each other, just lots of acquaintances. So, to get her mother off our backs, Rachel told her the truth: that she wasn’t interested in my genitals. Her mother put two and two together, and… things got worse. The idea of having a lesbian for a daughter was somehow worse than said daughter having sex with her step brother. And, that’s where she got my dad involved.”

He pauses, his eyes meeting mine. “My father... he wasn’t a good man. He was abusive, controlling, and manipulative. And also homophobic, which is something I didn’t know at the time because he hid that part of himself well. Too well, in fact. So when her mother told him to break her daughter using any means necessary, he…” his voice cracks, and he looks away, tears glistening in his eyes. “When he raped her for the first time, he found out that she was a virgin. They both did, because her mother watched. She didn’t just watch, she held open her own daughter’s legs while her husband violated her. And when it was done, my father came to my room and tossed the bloody sheets as some sort of souvenir.”

He slips his fingers out of mine and they curl into fists as a violent shudder racks his body, like he’s trying to keep himself in check. I reach across the table and place my hand over his, giving him as much time to collect himself, yet letting him know I was there.

“It should have ended there,” he continues after some time. “Our parents had gotten what they wanted. They broke something in Rachel that day. And since they had confirmation that Rachel and I had been telling the truth all along, that we weren’t sleeping together, it really should have ended there. It didn’t. It wasn’t enough that my father raped her repeatedly, with her mother’s permission and participation. He started making me watch too. After the second time, I asked him why he thought what he was doing was okay, meanwhile his own son was…” he shakes his head at that. “I thought mouthing off to him would trigger some sort of dad guilt, but... he turned on me, too. And no, he didn’t let his wife do the honors. He did that himself. I don’t think her mother cared either way. I think she got off on watching her husband rape their children, and in making Rachel and I watch anytime he raped the other.

“When Rachel and I ran away from home, we had no intention of ever going back. We were eighteen when we did, so it’s not like they could drag us back home. As far as we were concerned, they were dead to us. It was Rachel’s idea that we get married, and it was my idea that we change our last names to McKenzie. The name was nothing special, it was something I picked out of the phone book. Getting married allowed us to legally do both at the same time. It wasn’t just because it was convenient, it was to make it harder for our parents to find us. And, if/when they did, it was to prevent them from legally interfering in our lives. We weren’t advertising the fact that we were step siblings because that part of our past was rife with trauma and raw wounds that never completely healed. We were best friends who just happened to be married, so that’s the version of our shared history that we went with that.

“When I told you that Rachel struggled with the money I was making when I worked for the CIA, it wasn’t because of the classified assignments. Well, that was a small part of it. Her biggest hang-up was that I was giving her the money because of guilt. Guilt for what my father did to her, to us. And… she wasn’t wrong. I did feel guilty that I wasn’t able to protect her. And some of the places I was sent to were dangerous, and I wanted her to be taken care of, should anything happen to me. The fact that we were married made that easier. If we weren’t, the money would have gone to my father as my next of kin. That past was something I had to disclose to the CIA when I was recruited, as a part of my security clearance. I would rather chop off my left testicle than see a dime of our hard-earned money go to either one of them. I know you were wondering why it was so easy for me to put you on all of our accounts, this is why. It’s what Rachel would’ve done anyway.”

He pauses at that, dragging his eyes back to mine. His face is wet, his eyes red and puffy. I think mine are too, but I don’t say anything. He needs to get this off his chest, and I need to listen.

“Rachel and I, our relationship was never sexual, despite everything our parents put us through. And, it took a really, really long time and a lot of fucking work before either of us could trust our hearts and bodies with anyone else. When Rachel met Hannah, a lot of things just… clicked. Me? It took longer to find. I did try, once. It took one date for me to realize I would rather remain single than settle. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past or anything like that. I’ve accepted the fact that it will always be a part of me. And I love the work that I do, but I know what my limitations are. I don’t work with patients with a history of childhood sexual abuse, because that hits too close to home for me.

“I know you found out about the lawsuit today. I’m sorry you had to find out that way, but I’m not sorry about Principal Richardson going to jail. Or any of the others. Will said the superintendent had been looking for an excuse to terminate her, and the lawsuit gave them an excuse to do so. Truth is, adults are supposed to protect you, not pile onto your pain. And people like that don’t learn, unless you hit them where it hurts the most. I failed Rachel in that regard, and I’ll be damned if I fail you too.”

He squeezes my hand, his eyes filled with pain and remorse. “I should have told you all this before we... before things got serious between us. But I was afraid, Ash. Afraid that if you knew the truth about Rachel and I, you’d see me differently. That my father’s sins would become my own in your eyes, and you’d leave me. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I just… I can’t.”

His voice cracks again, and that does it for me. I rise, push the table aside and crawl into his lap. He’s stunned at first, but then I bury my face in his neck and wrap my arms around his torso, bringing our bodies flush. It takes a moment before I feel his arms around me too, and his face in my neck. A wave of relief washes over me, and I feel the weight I’ve been carrying start to lift. Tears spill down my cheeks and I squeeze him tighter. It’s not long before I feel an answering wetness on my shoulder. The words, though unspoken, flow between us with ease, like their own silent symphony. We sit in silence, breathing each other in, the tension between us easing.

“I’m yours, Ash,” he mumbles against my neck. “Always.”

I choke on a sob. “What?”

He leans back and tucks my hair behind my ear, his gaze never leaving mine. “I love you,” he whispers, the sound so low that I almost can’t hear it.

But I do.

And my chest feels as if it’s grown wings and is currently flying among the fallen angels. And I choke on another sob. “You do?” Not sure why that comes off as a question, when it was meant to be a statement.

He nods, a grin splitting his face. “Yes, Ash. I do. I love you so much, it consumes me. You consume me. You are all I think about. You are my home, Ash. I didn’t think it was ever going to happen for me, not in this lifetime. But then I saw you, dancing at Rachel’s grave and it just… it clicked for me then. That’s when I knew for sure.” He cups my face in his hands, his touch gentle and reassuring. “I should’ve told you this when I asked you to stay, but I didn’t even realize it myself. And yes, I struggled with it at first, but… souls know no age, and mine recognized yours from the start, even though the rest of me took so long to catch up.”

I bite my lip, trying to stem the flow of tears but it is futile. “I love you too,” I whisper back, tears blurring my vision. “I love you so much, and I… Please come home. I need you home, with me, wherever that may be.” His lips kick up as the words spill out of me, with no filter. “I don’t even care where life takes us, just as long as we are together. Commitment is important to you, so marry me?—”

He cuts me off, searing his lips to mine. His tongue sweeps between my lips, taking over the kiss. Looping my arms around his neck, I kiss him back. It’s desperate, this kiss. It’s like he wants to climb inside and hide, while I want to cling to him and not let go. I will never let him go.

He nips my lip as he breaks away. “There’s a certain order to these things, Ash.”

“You and I, we’ve never been conventional. Why start now?”

He wipes away a tear, leaving a shiver in the wake of his touch. “What if I want to be?”

“Fine. You can take my last name then.”

I’m joking, but his eyes go serious.

“Deal,” is all he says, and then he’s back to kissing me.

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