Page 95 of Taming Tesla

FORTY-SIX

Patrick

As soon as I submit the paperwork for the permits, Iturn off my computer and pull on my jacket. It’s just after one o’clock. That gives me six hours to go back to my apartment and grab a few hours sleep before I have to get ready and make it back to our place to pick Cari up at eight.

My new place is in Backbay, usually a 45-minute commute from our office in Seaport. Hopping on the 93, light traffic cut’s my drive in half, and I’m home ahead of schedule. Deciding to use the extra time wisely, I set the alarm on my phone for six o’clock before stretching out on the couch and close my eyes.

Instead of sleeping, I think.

When she called, I’d had every intention of telling her that, despite what I told her last night over the phone, I wasn’t coming over tonight. That I needed some room to breathe. Get my head straight. We both did.

Last night was a mistake. I let myself slip, and I can’t do it again. She’s either going to admit that she loves me or I’m moving on because I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep touching her and fucking her because every time I do, I sink a little bit deeper. Lose a little bit more of the ground I’d gained while she was gone.

That’s what I told myself I was going to say. I was going to tell her no.

Because in one, five-word text, Declan summed up my entire 48-hours since Cari’s been back.

I don’t think I can.

I can’t stay away from her. And that’s a problem because it completely contradicts everything I know and want. I spent the last eleven months thinking long and hard about what that is. What I’d be willing to settle for if she came back and the answers are clear.

I want everything, and I’m not willing to settle for anything less.

That’s what I had every intention of saying when she called me this morning.

But then she asked me to dinner, and she sounded so nervous, so unsure of herself that I caved. I said yes, even though I know it’s a horrendously bad idea. Even though I know exactly where we’ll end up at that end of the night.

Because no matter what I want, no matter what I know is right, I can’t say no to her.

I never could.

My alarm goes off, and I come off the couch like a shot, eyes wide, instantly awake. I’m not sure when I finally managed to fall asleep, but I feel marginally more human than I did when I closed my eyes. I stumble into the bathroom and crank on the shower, giving myself a few minutes under the hot water, letting the water pressure pound out the aches and pains that sleeping on the torture device I call a couch caused.

Afterward, I towel off, wrapping it around my waist on my way to my closet. Pulling the dry-cleaning bag off my black suit, I pick a tie before hanging them both on the back of my closet door.

Davino’s is a nice place—Declan and I are frequent fliers these days—the owner is a friend. I briefly consider calling him and letting him know I’m coming in tonight but after a five-second debate, decide against it. I want a simple, quiet dinner. Exactly what I won’t get if I call Davey. The best I can hope for is that he won’t be in the kitchen on a Thursday night.

Shaving, I take a quick inventory. The few hours sleep did me some good. Finished, I wipe my face clean and slap a little aftershave on my cheeks before getting dressed. Strapping on my watch, I turn my wrist to check the time. It’s just past seven.

My first instinct is to call her, but I fight it off. Somewhere between my trying to sleep and not think about how well and truly I’ve fucked everything up again, and accepting the fact that I’m probably never going to get this right, I realize that by asking me to go to dinner with her, Cari’s given me an opportunity to do just that.

To get it right.

I’m going to take Cari on the best goddamned date of her life. I’m going to be a gentleman. I’m going to open her door and pull out her chair. I’ll help her with her coat and walk her up the stairs. I’m going to kiss the hell out of her. Until she’s weak-kneed and trembling.

And then I’m going to leave.

Because this is it. She’s either going to give me what I want or this—whatever this is between us—is over.

---