Page 7 of Reaching Ryan

Chapter Three

Ryan

“Grace.”

I cut a quick look to the left to find Patrick standing next to me, watching me with a weird mix of mild amusement and less mild concern.

“What?” Before the word even leaves my mouth, my gaze wanders back to her like it has a mind of its own. A young woman with long, loose blonde hair, wearing an expensive-looking pale blue dress. She’s sitting on a bench in the corner, looking at a painting of a little girl, playing in the water on a summer day while she slowly sips champagne.

I can’t even see her face, but it doesn’t matter because that not what I can’t stop looking at. What keeps dragging my gaze back to settle on her. It’s how content she looks. I can see it in the set of her shoulders. The way she lifts her champagne flute to her lips slowly, like she’s savoring every swallow. Every second of solitude.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way.

Perfectly content.

At peace.

I’ve been watching her for a while now, which makes me a total creeper, but I rationalize my behavior by telling myself there’s fuck all else to do in this place unless I want to go pick a fight with Declan or limp around and play wounded warrior for Boston’s Elite.

“The woman you’re staring at—” His statement draws my attention again. This time he looks mostly amused. “She’s Cari’s little sister. Her name is Grace.”

He keeps talking. Filling me in—that she’s here, visiting from Ohio with her parents for Cari’s big day. That Cari is trying to talk her into moving here to go to school. That she had a kid when she was nineteen and no one knows who the father is.

Half listening, I look past him to find Cari and Tess huddled together a few yards away. Seeing Tess causes a twinge of… something to tighten my chest. My feelings for Tess have always been convoluted. Murky. I love her. I’ve always loved her. Always wanted her.

Why is less clear.

Sometimes I think it’s real. That my feelings are genuine and other times I think I feel this way because I’ve known her my whole life and I just don’t know any better. Because she belongs to Declan. Because it’s always been a competition between us. Who’s smarter. Who’s faster. Who’s better.

Funny thing is that I’m the only one competing. I’m running a losing race, all by myself because Tess will never choose me. She loves me but will never want me.

She wants Declan.

And Tess isn’t one to change her mind.

The fucked-up, confusing part of it all is that knowing that is a relief. Knowing she’ll never want me, can’t want me, makes being around her easy. Makes telling her the truth easy too.

Like sometimes I wished I’d died that day.

Like sometimes I think about killing myself.

That I’m just a shadow of the man I used to be.

That I’m not even a man.

Not anymore.

Not really.

I watch Cari reach into her purse and pull something out. Hand it to Tess with a whisper. Tess shoots Declan, who’s been brooding in a corner and staring at her for the past hour, a quick nervous glance before she hightails it through the crowd and down the hall while Cari comes toward us.

Thirty seconds after she disappears, Declan follows her.

That something inside me twinges again, slow and dull. I’m supposed to follow them. I’m supposed to want to follow them. Stake my claim. Plant my flag. State my intentions, like a good alpha male. But even though I know what’s happening between them, I just can’t seem to muster the give a fuck to move.

Like I said—my feelings for Tess are goddamned confusing.

“What are you two over here gossiping about?” Cari says, leaning into Patrick for a quick kiss.

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