Page 26 of Giving Grace

“I’m saying I’m a distraction. A way to forget what happened to you. An excuse to ignore it.”

“Jesus, Grace.” The clench in my gut loosens, the force of it rolling over me, so fast I feel dizzy. Almost sick with it. Shame. I’m not so fucked up that I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s shame. “You make it sound like I’m using you.”

“You are.” She says it quietly, her gaze never wavering from mine. “And it’s not good for either of us, so I think it’s best if whatever… this is stops.”

It’s what I wanted, right? I’ve been pushing her away from day one. Pushing her away just to drag her back in. Trying to make her hate me, right before I touch her.

It’s unfair to her.

That’s what she told me the other night in Molly’s room. That I’m being unfair to her, and she’s right. I’m being selfish, every time I touch her.

That’s selfish—you know that, right? It’s selfish to expect the rest of us to just stand by and watch you suffer.

“Okay.” I nod my agreement, forcing my stiff neck to bend. My mouth to form words it doesn’t want to say. “What about Molly?” Saying her name out loud lays a heavy band of panic across my chest. “I don’t want to—”

Lose her.

I don’t want to lose her.

Like saying her name, summoned her, the door behind me flies opens and Molly comes streaking out. “I’m hungry,” she announces, coming to a screeching halt in front of me. “I didn’t eat breakfast.”

I watch Grace open her mouth. Her chest expands under the weight of her coat. She’s about to make their excuses and leave. She said what she came to say. She ended it and now she’s going to leave. Take Molly with her.

It’s what I wanted, right?

So why do I feel like I’m drowning?

“Pancakes.” I say it to Molly because I can’t look at Grace right now. Not after what she just said to me. Not knowing that she’s right. “We’ll go get pancakes.” I look up to find Grace watching me. “Because we’re friends and that’s what friends do, right? They go get pancakes. Just pancakes.”

“Mom?” Molly turns to her mom and clasps her hands together. “Can we? Please?”

“We can’t, Moll.” She tilts her head and gives is a shake. “We’re going to the park with Cari to watch the ball game, remember?”

“But that’s not for hours…” Molly stacks her hands on her hips and her chin lifts into that stubborn Faraday tilt that signals a challenge. “And anyways, aunt Cari is still sleeping.”

“Oh, so suddenly, you’re an expert on telling time?” She gives me another look, one that tells me that she blames me for just about everything that’s gone wrong in her life since she stepped foot in Boston and for a second, I think she’s going to say no again. Grab Molly and drag her away from me.

This time for good.

Because she’s right.

I’m to blame for all of it.

But even though I know it, I can’t let them go. Not yet. Not even knowing that it’s probably the best thing for both of them. Henley is right I am selfish and I don’t care, because I need this. Just one more day with them.

Just a few more hours.

Because this is it.

Grace and I are over and after today I’ll be without them.

Alone again.

But then Grace gives me a gift. Her face relaxes and she looks away from me for a second before looks at the both of us and sighs. “Okay. Just pancakes.”

Seventeen

Grace

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