Page 50 of Giving Grace

“Alrighty then—that’s my cue,” Kaitlyn says, turning to set Ryan’s empty glass on the kitchen island before she starts moving toward the open door. “Catch you tomorrow—it was nice to see you again, Grace.”

Before I can say you too, she’s out the door, pulling it closed behind her.

Thirty-two

Ryan

As soon as Kaitlyn leaves, I shuffle step my way to the front door and lock it and set the alarm. Because I’m not sure what to do next, I shuffle step my way into the kitchen, snagging my empty glass off the counter on my way to the sink. There, I rinse it out and put it in the dishwasher and recap the bottle Kaitlyn left open next to the coffee pot. She does it on purpose. Her way of making me acknowledge the pain. Accept that even though it’s better on most days, that it’ll never go away completely. That it’s a part of who I am now.

When Henley suggested poaching her from Sojourn, I thought she was kidding. “Why the hell would she want to work here?” I asked her. “She knows I live here. She just got rid of me.”

Hen just shrugged and said there’s no harm in asking. A week later, Kaitlyn was accepting a position as the 5th floor nurse here at the center. She’s been my neighbor for the past three months and a pain in my ass for just as long.

I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

Even though the prescription bottle has a child-proof lid on it, I stick it in the front pocket of my pants before turning around to find Grace standing where I left her, still holding the pile of clothes I gave her to wear.

Shower.

Right.

Moving past her, I cross the living room. “You can use my shower if you want,” I tell her, passing through the bedroom door. Surprisingly, she follows me, past the bed and through the open archway that leads to the bathroom. “There’re towels in there.” I motion toward the cabinet built into the wall. “And I think there’s a new toothbrush around here somewhere...” Stooping down, I open the cabinet under the sink I use and start rummaging around. “I’m not really sure if—”

“I’m sorry.”

Still stooped over, I feel my heart stutter to a stop before taking off again, this time the thump of it so hard and loud, that for a second it’s all I can hear. The only thing I can feel. Straightening myself, I toss the toothbrush I found on the counter next to the sink. “Sorry for what?”

“For being such a huge bitch earlier. I just...” She hugs the wadded up ball of clothes I gave her to her chest and shrugs. “I guess I didn’t realize how much you love her until just now.”

I shake my head and laugh. “Love who? Kaitlyn?” The thought is laughable. “No—she’s just—”

“Molly.” She catches her bottom lip between her teeth, her brow creasing in a frown. “You love Molly.”

Suddenly defensive, I lean my ass against the bathroom counter. “Oh…” I cross my arms over my chest and shrug. “Is that a problem?”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I’m not even sure why I said it. I guess maybe I’m just trying to figure out what we’re doing here. Why—”

Because I love you.

I love both of you.

“Now?” I ask her, dropping my arms away from my chest because I tired and I’d really hoped to avoid it until we’ve both got our heads on a bit straighter. “We’re doing this now?”

Yeah. We’re doing this now.” She gives me one of her stubborn head nods, lifting her chin to look at me. “Right now.”

“Alright.” I hold my arms out in invitation, opening myself up to her. “Then ask me.”

“Okay—what are we doing here, Ryan?” She takes a step toward me, tossing the change of clothes I gave her onto the counter next to me. “What’s happening? Do you really expect Molly and me to just move in here with you?” She reaches up to rake her fingers through her hair like she’s thinking about pulling it out. “I mean, do you know how crazy that sounds? Do you even—”

“Stop.” I lift a hand between us and shake my head. “I’m still slow, Jimmy—probably always gonna be, so quit with the rapid-fire, okay?” I say, dropping my hand on a harsh push of breath when her mouth snaps shut. “I don’t know what’s happening and I have no fucking idea what we’re doing here.” Pressing my palms against the counter I’m leaning on and shrug. “All I know is that when I walked into that kitchen and saw you standing there, you looked so…” Lifting a hand from the counter, I swipe it over my face, searching for the right word. “Alone.” Finally landing on it, I drop my hand and sigh. “You looked alone and, in that moment, I hated every single one of them for making you feel that way. For acting like Molly is some kind of burden that has to be dealt with, and I—”

“She is a burden,” she says quietly. “I love her so much I’d kill and die for her, but that’s what she is, Ryan. She’s a burden. She’s loud and messy and throws tantrums and ruins things. She took a pair of scissors to Patrick and Cari’s couch yesterday. I just flipped the cushion and pretended it didn’t happen because I’m too much of a coward to tell them.” She makes a noise in the back of her throat that I think might be a laugh but it sounds watery, like she’s trying to breathe under water. “I haven’t had a full night's sleep since the day she was born. I worry about her constantly. Is she eating enough? Is she growing? Is she hitting all her milestones? Is nice to the other kids in her class? Is she a bully? Is she getting bullied? Is she going to be a good person when she grows up? Is she going to make the same dumb, fucked-up mistakes I made when she gets older?

Do you even know what that means? Do you understand what you’re asking for? The kind of upheaval that having us—”

“I’m not stupid, Grace,” I tell her, feeling the back of my neck go tight with irritation. “I get that it’s not going to be easy. I get that raising a kid is hard—what I’m telling you is that you don’t have to do it alone.”

“What are you saying?” She says it like I just told her I’m thinking about joining a monastery.

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