Page 53 of Forsaken

“Why?”

Another shake of his head and Eli was pushing past me. When I grabbed him, he tried to tug free of me, but he didn’t lash out like he had before. “Tell me why.”

“We’re different, Mav,” he said softly. “You didn’t do anything to deserve what they did to you,” Eli said as he motioned back in the direction of town. “I deserve everything I get.”

Frustration coursed through me at the lack of answer, but when Eli’s face went blank a moment later, I knew I wouldn’t get anything else out of him. As soon as I released him, he began walking back towards the car. Once we were back on the road, the exhaustion hit me hard. Coming back to this hell hole had been the hardest thing I’d ever done, second to the moment I’d seen my mother’s lifeless body under that sheet. I hadn’t been at all surprised by my grandfather’s reaction or the fact that he looked exactly like he had twenty years ago. What had surprised me was that I hadn’t felt anything when he’d whispered the slur that I’d heard more times than I could count when I’d been a kid. I hadn’t even felt the need to tell the man to fuck off like I’d wanted to so many times when I was little, but hadn’t had the guts. I’d just wanted to get Eli out of there because I hadn’t wanted any part of my former life touching him.

I glanced at Eli to see that he wasn’t doing anything more than staring at the dashboard of the car. The picture of me and my mom that he’d picked up off the ground was carefully clutched between the fingers of one hand. I wished I could get him to talk to me, but what the hell could I say? Every single thing I’d said and done in the past twenty-four hours had only inflicted pain on him.

Fuck, could I really leave things like this? Could I really watch him get on that plane and never see him again? And what if I did go back to Seattle? Would it change anything if he wasn’t there? Would I accept what I had finally started to believe – that I was finally a part of something that had been denied to me my entire life – only to find that it didn’t mean anything if I couldn’t share it with the one person who had made me actually want something besides my Harley and an open road?

Before I could think on what I was doing too much, I reached for my phone and called the pilot. When he answered I said, “Change of plans. We’ll fly out in the morning.”

“Of course, Mr. James. Just text me what time you’d like to depart and I’ll take care of the rest.”

“Will do,” I said before hanging up. I glanced at Eli, but he didn’t look like he’d even heard what I’d said. We drove for another hour before the exhaustion became too much. It was still early, barely two o’clock in the afternoon, but it didn’t matter if we stopped now or closer to Rapid City. I picked the very next exit that had a motel and pulled off. We’d left the reservation, so the area was a little more populated and there was a small restaurant attached to the motel.

“Are you hungry?” I asked Eli. He shook his head in response, but that was it.

I left Eli in the car while I checked in, but when I started to say two rooms, I glanced back and saw that he was still sitting in the exact same position, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings. “One room,” I said to the clerk. “Two beds,” I added. I wanted to keep an eye on Eli, but I needed to keep some distance so I could fucking think. Yesterday, I’d been so sure about my plan to leave Seattle for good, but between Jonas’s words about not telling fate to fuck off and Eli calling me out on my cowardice, the seeds of doubt had been planted.

Eli was on auto-pilot from the moment I parked the car in front of our room. He placed his things on one side of the long dresser, toed off his shoes and then went to the bed and crawled between the covers, putting his back to me. I spent a few minutes sending texts to Ronan and Mace to let them know everything was done and that we’d be flying out the next day, but I didn’t say anything about whether or not I would be joining Eli on the flight back. I set my phone on silent and then put it down on the nightstand. I stared at Eli’s back. I needed to leave him alone. But just like the night before, my body had a mind of its own and I went to his bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress so that my hip was pressed up against his backside.

“Eli,” I said softly. “Would you please look at me?”

Eli took several long seconds to finally roll over onto his back. I braced my hand on the bed next to his hip. “Tell me how to not hurt you anymore,” I whispered as I reached up to brush his hair from his forehead.

His dark eyes held mine for a long time and I was glad to see a little bit of light come back into them. “Promise me you’ll go back to Seattle. Even if it’s not tomorrow or if you have to wait till I’ve left, promise you’ll go back and give them a chance.” When I didn’t respond, Eli sat up and cupped my face. “They won’t turn their backs on you, Mav,” Eli whispered and then he kissed me gently. “Trust me, okay?”

I nodded, because my throat felt too tight for words. Eli swiped his thumb back and forth over my jaw a couple times before he released me and lay back down. I didn’t stop him when he turned back on his side. Anxiety rolled through me as I realized what I’d just agreed to and the jumble of emotions had me stumbling to my feet and searching out my bag. I’d take a shower to clear my head and then get some sleep. Then maybe I could figure everything out.

But as I reached for my bag which was sitting on the dresser near Eli’s, I saw the picture I’d discovered in my mother’s purse the night before when I’d gone through her personal possessions that the cops had given me. I hadn’t looked at the picture for more than a few seconds, despite the surprise of finding it in her purse. From the condition of the photograph, I could tell it had been handled numerous times. Without thinking about it too much, I grabbed the picture and took it with me as I headed for the bathroom. I turned on the water for the shower and while I waited for it to heat up, I sat down on the closed toilet and stared at the image of the woman who’d been the first one to teach me that I would never quite be enough.

Chapter 22

Eli

As tired as I was, I couldn’t sleep. Because every time I closed my eyes, I could feel Mav’s lips against mine. It would be our last kiss. I knew it without a shadow of a doubt. This morning I’d been willing to give him any part of me he wanted or needed up until the moment he walked away from me. But seeing the hurt in his eyes as he asked me to tell him how to stop him from hurting me anymore had been proof that I couldn’t let it happen again. Maybe if I was better at hiding my emotions when he made love to me, or if I could keep from telling him that I loved him, it would be possible to have one more night with him. But the fact that I’d gone so far off the deep end after he’d admitted that he wasn’t even going back to Seattle to get his Harley, had been proof enough that I couldn’t separate my heart from the physical act of loving Mav.

I lay there for at least half an hour before I realized that Mav hadn’t come out of the bathroom yet. I’d heard the shower come on shortly after he’d gone in there and from what I could tell, it was still running. I waited another fifteen minutes before the concern began to gnaw at me and I slowly got out of bed. When another five minutes passed and the shower stayed on, I got up and went to the bathroom door and knocked.

“Mav?” I called, but there was no answer. I knew there was a likelihood that he couldn’t hear me in the shower, but that wasn’t enough to stop me from testing the knob. I was relieved to discover the door unlocked and as I pushed it open, I continued to knock and call his name. I saw him instantly because he wasn’t in the shower. No, he was sitting on the closed toilet still fully dressed, the picture of his mother in his hand.

“Mav? You okay?” I asked as I entered the room and came to a stop in front of him. The agony in his eyes was nearly unbearable.

“She’s really gone,” he whispered as tears started sliding down his face.

“I know, Mav. I’m sorry,” I said softly as I pushed his hair off his face.

“I told you she only called me when she needed money, but that wasn’t true. She used to call me on my birthdays too. Every year without fail. No matter how stoned or drunk she was, she always made that call. And not once when she did it did she ask for money.” Mav’s eyes dropped back down to the picture. “I fucking hated her for what she did, but God, I couldn’t wait to get that damn phone call.”

Mav let out a harsh sob and then covered his eyes with his hand. I pulled him against my belly and held on to him as his arms wrapped around my waist. I pressed kisses against the top of his head as his tears soaked through my shirt. When he finally quieted and lifted his head, I shifted until I was sitting astride his legs. I used my sleeve to wipe his wet face.

“They should have done better by you, Mav,” I said softly as I straightened his loose hair so it wasn’t stuck to his damp face. “They’re the ones who lost out by not knowing you…by not watching you grow up to be such an amazing man.”

Mav wrapped his arms around me again and settled his face against my neck. “As awful as that place was, I would have stayed if they’d shown me even an ounce of kindness,” he admitted.

“I know you would have. But I’m so glad you got out of there,” I added. I pulled back so I could look him in the eye. “I know it must have been terrible for you, being so young…” I said with a shake of my head. “But to think of you being condemned to that life.” I couldn’t even continue the thought because it was so disturbing. Mav was so vibrant and strong and those men had all looked like they’d died a thousand deaths and were just waiting for the one that would stick.

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