Page 150 of The Sidekick

“Agreed, but what I meant was, does it bother you that I need you to obey me.”

Oh, wow. He totally just put that out there for the universe to hear with no reservation. He doesn’t say he likes it or that he wants it. He said he needs it, like it’s vital to something deep inside him.

“Promise not to laugh?” I ask weakly as I debate my answer. Do I just come right out and say it? Or make a joke? Communication might be key in a relationship, new or otherwise, but it’s hard! If he has the guts to be honest with me, I can pretend to have the courage to do the same.

“Yes.” That one word said with absolute certainty eases some of my anxiety and embarrassment.

“I think… I need to obey you. You have this effect on me that I don’t understand. It grounds me when I feel like I’m floating away. I like the thought that you need it, and I’m the one you chose to give it to you.”

“Fuck, angel,” his voice is hoarse as he lets out a shaky breath.

“Is it wrong? I feel like it’s wrong. Like I’m supposed to be an independent woman, taking care of myself, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to make decisions and pretend I’m ok. I want to let someone else do that for me. It’s selfish.” I’m afraid that I’m going to give that total power over, and it’s going to hurt so bad when it falls apart. My anxiety is coming back, and with it, the sick churning of my stomach.

“You think it’s selfish, and I’m over here praying that you mean it because I want that. I want that really bad, angel. I don’t think I could stop myself from doing it, either. I don’t think it’s wrong if we agree and both want it together. I’ve got you. I’ll keep you safe.”

“Is there something wrong with me?” The question ends on a whine as I choke back tears. I know better than to ask that question. The results are never pretty.

“No,” the finality of the word lets me breathe again. That wasn’t so bad. It gives me the courage to go a little further.

“C-can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Does it bother you that I-” I cut myself off with a wince. I don’t want to say it out loud and curse everything we’re building together.

“That you want Max and Trevor?” He finishes gently. I choke out a sound, unable to speak. How did he know that was what I was going to ask about? “I’ll admit I’m jealous.”

My hands jerk the wheel as I pull to the side of the road. “I’m going home.”

I’m not ruining this. He’s offering me everything, and I can’t. I can’t.

“No,” he says firmly. I stare at my shaking hands on the wheel.

“Please.”

“You know the rules.”

“Don’t leave.” In the back of my head, I’m freaking out over how needy I’m being. I have no shame as I beg him, and it tears me up inside. I don’t know how I’m going to navigate the intensity of these feelings. It scares me. What’s even scarier is the fact that I know he can take that fear away. The last time I felt even close to this level of dependency on someone I had my heart ripped out.

“I’m not going anywhere unless you’re with me. I may be jealous that they have pieces of you, but I have my own piece, don’t I?”

“Yes.” I didn’t even hesitate to blurt that out. I’m not mentally well. I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to drive.

“That’s all I need. You want to give me something and I’m taking it. I’m not giving it back. But they need something, too. Something just for them, or this won’t work.”

“They’re going to break it,” my voice comes out flat with bitter conviction. I don’t know what the mysterious ‘it’ is. I just know once I give it away, I’ll never get it back in one piece.

“You don’t know that. You haven’t let them make their offers.”

“What offers?” I ask, totally confused.

“You get to take something too, angel. It isn’t about you giving alone. Do I give you something back?”

“Yes.”

“They should, too. And you’re going to demand it from them.”

Can I do that? Just march into the bar and make them give me emotions? That doesn’t seem very nice. Or fair.

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