Page 108 of Unexpected Heroine

“I had a few minutes to hit the nearby convenience store. Got you a present.”

I remove the contents. “Very funny.”

Marshmallows.

When I glance at the proud look on his dumb face, I laugh with him.

I just fucking laugh.

And it feels . . . really fucking good.

Chapter 20

The elephant in the room

LETTIE

Kri keeps trying to calm me down. Ain’t she cute? Let’s give her an A for effort. Maybe I should have Janet Cash from Climax make one of those custom buttons she gives to her students. One that says: I did my best. I’ll pin it right on Kri’s chest.

Sheesh. Calm down?

Clearly, she’s new around here. That dog won’t hunt for me.

When she stepped out of the room earlier to call her boyfriend, I tried to follow her. Unfortunately, she sicced Black Widow on me. Must have had some silent communication or perhaps telepathy. Next thing I know, Marley is standing in my path and talking about asparagus. Yes, asparagus. The green vegetable that makes your pee smell funny. Bless her heart.

Her quirkiness is endearing but also very, very strange. Coming from the gal with conspiracy theories running through her head about llamas and square dancing, that’s really saying something.

Marley was cockblocking me from eavesdropping on Kri’s call. I guess maybe that would be... stalkblocking me. Get it? ‘Cause asparagus comes in stalks.

Ugh. Even my internal jokes are high-strung and trying too hard to appear normal—the personification of my mental state. Bless my heart.

Anyhoo. By the time Marley let me pass, Kri returned to the room, acting like everything was fine and dandy.

I don’t buy it. Not even if it were on sale. I’ve been around enough liars lately to know when I’m being sold snake oil.

And don’t you dare laugh at me. That wasn’t a joke. Although, I do see the humor in the concept of me catching onto deceit before being smacked upside the head with it.

Sure, it took me twenty-some-odd years to find the power switch for my bullshit detector. Nonetheless, it’s fired up and running just fine now. And the indicator lights on that sumbitch are flashing more than a DJ booth at an all-night rave.

Kri attempted to reassure me there was no reason to worry since the nightmare house was empty, according to Shep. It would seem the traffickers haven’t returned after Redleg busted in the other night to save me and the other girls.

Then what the fuck is he doing there?

Either she doesn’t want to tell me, or she flat out doesn’t know. I suspect the former. Which means Kri is no longer on the list of people I trust.

For the record, said list is as short as an ant’s penis. It’s also written in pencil on soggy paper about to tear down the middle.

Just for clarity, I was referring to the insect and not your family member. And now that I had that fun-filled thought, I’m wondering why your aunt would have a penis. Is it a strap-on? Is she a hermaphrodite? Is she transitioning? I need answers. Not saying I’ll judge her, no matter the responses. I just don’t need extra wonderings teeter-tottering inside my cracked-out head.

Brother of a butterless burnt biscuit.

Please tell me squirrels aren’t nocturnal because I need to put my brain to bed.

Stella cozies up beside me on the couch and runs her fingers through my hair gingerly. “Want me to draw a bath for you, Lettie bear?”

Perhaps she sensed my mental spiraling. Bless her for the distraction.

Canting my head at her, I let my eyelids slant into crescents—the shape, not the amazing dinner roll. “Draw me a bath? Like with pen and paper? I thought you were banned from the art community after Kristin Poteet outed you for your paltry attempt at modern art with the whole tomato fiasco.”

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