Page 84 of Unexpected Heroine

Shaking my head, I prepare my rebuttal.

She doesn’t give me a chance. “Believe me, I still want to wait to talk about all this mess. I knooow I can’t handle anything else. Yet it’s impossible to stop wadin’ through all the chaos, tryin’ to make heads or tails of it.” Her palms cradle her head, shielding her sorrow-filled face from me. “As much as I try, I can’t silence my thoughts. I’d ask you to put me in suspension since that’s one of the only things that can stop my mind when it’s racin’ like this. Except I know I’d freak the hell out from being restrained.” Her fingers dig into her scalp punishingly. “Fuuuck.”

She flops back onto the bed in a defeated huff. After a tense couple of seconds, she opens her eyes again.

I move in closer, speaking as earnestly as I can. “First off, I never wanted you only for your body. Never. Every moment spent with you is precious to me. You are precious to me. As to why I only corrected you in the bedroom, it was probably a few things combined.”

Her expectant eyes, clouded with worry, burn a path to my soul.

Pausing, I try to shake off the avalanche of regret burying me. “During those times, it was physically painful and repulsive to hear you call me James. I didn’t want you to have sex with him. I wanted it to be me, yet I couldn’t reveal the real me. Knowing you were giving me this gift of being with you—one I don’t deserve—was too much to take. I just snapped that first night. Once I put it out there, I realized sex was one time when I could make a clear distinction you wouldn’t find too strange. I mean, nothing about me is normal, but this was a place I could draw a line for you. I was sparing myself. It was selfish. But I promise you that the reason I hid the truth was not selfish.”

Her brows furrow, and she licks her lips. “Me-n-you are gonna mix if you don’t stop putting yourself down.”

After all I said, she’s focused on correcting my self-image.

Ignoring her topic redirection, I double down to ensure she knows my feelings for her extend far beyond the physical. “It was never about your body. I hated you saying that name in the coffee shop on the day we met. At the beach. At the urgent care. At the club. In your hotel room. At dinner. At the fucking grocery store. In my house. In my bed. It hurt to hear it every fucking day.”

By the time I get it all out, my fingers are shaking as much as my voice.

She rolls onto her side, cupping my cheek with one of her dainty hands. I close my eyes and lean into her touch. Being allowed to feel her skin on mine is a precious gift, calming me like nothing ever has.

When I meet her gaze again, there’s a darkness coating her face. Her skin pinches at her temples, and her chin lifts in the slightest upward tick. Even with my sub-standard ability to interpret emotions, her expression showcases hers so ardently.

She’s not angry anymore.

She’s heartbroken.

For me, not because of me.

Me.

Why isn’t she furious or screaming? It’s what I deserve.

“Don’t feel bad for me, Lettie,” I warn, my voice thick and weary.

Oxygen races from her lungs with an audible tremble. “I’ll feel however I want to feel.” She sniffles. “It helps to hear that your motivations weren’t selfish. I hope I still see it that way when I’m strong enough to learn what they were.”

Fuck. I hope she does too.

She loops her hand around the back of my neck to pull my forehead to hers.

After we hold each other quietly for several seconds, the silence must get to her. “I’m a bit tired of feelin’ like a damned fool.”

“You’re not a fool, sugar.”

“Here I was, all along, thinking the name thing was a bedroom quirk of yours.”

“Not at all.” I shake my head vehemently. “I never cared with anyone else. Only you.”

She lifts her chin, moving her mouth closer to mine. “Only me, huh?”

“What I was called in bed is the least significant of all the things you’ve made me care about, Lettie. Nothing mattered before you. Not a damn thing.”

A tear spills down her cheek, immediately soaking the pillow. “No one loved you before me, did they?”

Unable to trust my voice, I simply shake my head.

“Well, I’m glad I found you at that gas pump when I did.”

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