Page 25 of Homesick

“Fuck, you’re right,” I agree and join in on the laughter flowing between two old friends.

Emma stops laughing and looks absolutely mortified at the profanity that just slipped out of my mouth. She scrambles and attempts to muffle her infant child’s ears. “Wren! Come on!”

This is the second time today I’ve been scolded for swearing, but I feel like this time it’s warranted. “I’m sorry. But it’s not like he can understand me, right?”

“No, but I don’t want my child’s first word to be fuck.”

She quickly slaps her own hand over her mouth and after a few moments we both start laughing uncontrollably.

I catch my breath and flop to the ground. “Blake probably thinks I’m a psycho. One minute I’m telling him to fu . . . umm go away, and the next I’m swiping right on his profile,” I admit, wiping tears from the corners of my eyes. “You know, sometimes I wish I had what you and Colt have. I wonder how different my life would’ve been if Blake and I didn’t break up in high school.”

“Honestly, Wren, sometimes I wish I would’ve waited a little longer to get married and start a family. I love being a mom and Milo is such a blessing, but there are bad days. I love Colt, but there are times when I picture a different life for myself. I never really had time to just have fun.”

I prop myself up on my elbows as I try to read Emma’s face. I feel a wave of guilt rush over me for not asking about how she’s feeling about being a new mom. The disconnect between us feels even more prevalent in this moment. I feel the weight of how much I’ve missed over the years and how I’ve failed my best friend by not checking in periodically.

The serene silence of the park washes over us as I reach over and grab Emma’s hand. I give it a little squeeze just to say, I’m here now.

CHAPTER 9

Blake and I had developed a solid routine over the past few days. I would get off work before he did, so I would get the chores started and he would finish them. Most days I wouldn’t stick around, but I found myself lingering more and more.

Emma was right about the magnet effect. I still felt an immense pull to him no matter how much he had shattered that bridge in the past. I always had questions on the tip of my tongue because no matter how much I wanted distance, I also wanted to know how his life had turned out over the years.

I did know that he was working as an assistant to our local veterinarian, but it felt weird to pry any further. It was an odd feeling knowing so little about someone I had considered my person once. No one talks about the estranged feeling you share with an ex. I know everything about him, yet I don’t know anything at all.

I often found myself zoning out, wondering if his favorite meal was still spaghetti or if he still got anxious when he heard that first rumble of thunder in the distance. I also found myself zoning out over more intimate things as well. Thoughts that would fester as soon as I saw his t-shirt hike up just a little or a bead of sweat fall down his brow from overexerting himself.

Damn I need to get laid, I tell myself as I snap out of my daydream. I had just gotten home from work and changed into my farm clothes. Blake wouldn’t be here for at least another hour, so I had plenty of time to scrub my mind of unsavory thoughts.

I head over to the calf barn to start my long list of chores. I liked to start in the calf barn because I could see my little buddy, Mocha. All the calves got extra excited when I came barreling in with a bucket of grain, but he always stayed back because he knew he’d get his own special bucket.

After I fill up the first few troughs, I head into Mocha’s pen, and he comes excitedly barreling toward me. I plant both of my legs and prepare myself for him to headbutt the bucket I’m holding. Most calves take a while to adjust to their wobbly legs and Mocha is no exception. I can’t contain my smile when he lets out little huffs of contentment between bites.

After finishing up with Mocha and the rest of the babies, I head over to the other barn and start cleaning out some of the stalls.

I pick up one of the shovels hanging out in the corner of the barn and get to work. On days like this, I appreciate meticulous work on the farm. I don’t need to think. All I need to do is clean. It seems silly, but it gives my mind a chance to rest.

Once I’m satisfied with the last stall, I take a second to admire my work before pushing the full wheelbarrow out of the barn. Just as I’m about to exit the stall, I bump my shovel and it falls, flicking up remnants of the fun surprise I just finished scraping off the floor.

I groan inwardly and take a deep breath before picking up the fallen shovel. Just as I’m about to turn around, I notice some old scratches in the wood on the side of the stall. I lean in closer to get a better look.

My hand reaches out and grazes over two forgotten initials marked in the wood. My pulse quickens at an old memory hitting me harder than I expected.

When we were barely thirteen, Blake was helping me with my chores, and it was one of the rare moments we were alone together. I went to go grab another shovel and when I came back, Blake had his pocketknife out carving away. At first, I was worried my father would find out and I would get my ass beat, but then I saw what he was writing.

“Why our initials?” I asked after he was done.

All he did was smirk and reply, “I want you to remember the first time I tell you that I like you.”

I remember feeling on cloud nine in that moment. It wasn’t until a few years later that he asked me to be his girlfriend, but that moment always sat in the back of my head.

My eyes prickle with tears as I let the memory wash over me. One of the reasons why I didn’t come home for the longest time was I was scared of uncovering memories like this one.

I go to trace the tiny initials one more time when I hear Blake’s truck in the distance. I jump up from my spot on the floor and get back to my chores before he catches me reminiscing.

When I exit the barn, Blake is there waiting to intercept me. “Hey.”

“Hi,” I squeak out. “I just finished up in here. I have to dump this load and I’ll be done for the day.”

---