Page 97 of Psychopath

“Did you go there that night with the sole purpose of killing Darren and his friends?”

Noah shook his head. “I wanted to hurt them. I wanted them to hurt, but I didn’t want them to die.”

“You put rat poison and sulphuric acid into their drinks.”

“Ingestion of both is survivable if you seek medical treatment—”

“Noah. It’s not if you have both. It’s not if you’re too intoxicated to know something is wrong.”

“I wanted to hurt them.”

“I don’t… I don’t blame you for feeling like that…”

An ugly voice spoke in Quinn’s ear, saying Darren deserved to be hurt for bullying Noah, that he deserved what happened to him—it was karma. Quinn shut the voice down, condemned it in his own mind. It wasn’t true. None of the victims, including Darren, deserved that death.

“Why…why those chemicals?” Quinn asked.

“They were readily available to me at work. I didn’t have to buy them, and I wasn’t planning on using both, but the opportunity presented itself, and I took it, and the next morning, I walked by the house, and it was quiet. I walked by later, and there were ambulances, and cars pulling up, and people crying. I stayed to see the first body bag.”

Noah’s voice shook. Fresh tears filled his eyes.

“Do you regret what you did?”

“Every day. If I could go back, Quinn, I would. But I can’t, and there’s nothing I can do to make things better. I hope…”

“Hope?”

“They didn’t suffer, but I know that’s wishful thinking. I wanted to hurt them, I didn’t want to kill them, I didn’t think things through.”

A tear streaked down, smudging Noah’s eyeliner.

“I think about killing myself every day.”

“Noah…”

“But it’s true, and it wouldn’t be hard. I killed six people. Only two of them, Darren and Josh, were people that I knew, that had hurt me, and even so…I didn’t mean for them to die, but they did. Do you know what it feels like to be eaten alive by guilt? To drown in your own self-hatred? I’m not after pity, Quinn. I’m not after anything. I exist because I’m too afraid to die.”

“Afraid?”

“I’ll be punished.” He glanced around the room. “This isn’t punishment; it’s elongating my final breath.”

“Who do you think will punish you?”

“I don’t know what happens when we die, but there’s got to be some kind of comeuppance for our actions in life. There has to be. We need to be held accountable, no matter who we are.”

Quinn pushed aside his notes. “Why did you volunteer for this study?”

“Mackie said you were looking for monsters, and that’s what I am. A monster. I thought I might be of some use to you.”

“You threatened to poison Mackie after he hurt me.”

“And I meant it.”

“Did you not learn—”

“I wouldn’t have killed him, Quinn, just dropped some mould in his sandwich or something. He hurt you. We all agreed to this study, and I took the consent forms seriously. So did Harris, Virgil, Tony, and Richard… I’m not sure about Zane.” Noah frowned. “I agreed to show you respect and never raise my hand to you.” He held up his hand. “Other than to show off my nails.”

Noah wore a shiny maroon.

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