Page 30 of Puck Blocked
Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. My knee bounces up and down as I chew on my fingernail. This was a bad idea. I told Luke I wanted this. That I need this. But now that I’m sitting face-to-face with the therapist he found, I’m not so sure I’m ready for it.
“You’re nervous.” Dr. West doesn’t take her eyes off me. It’s not a question; it’s a statement, so I don’t respond. “You don’t need to be. We’re not going to do anything you don’t want to do. We won’t discuss anything you don’t want to discuss,” she says. “How about we start with you telling me a little about Luke?”
“Luke? Why?” I ask, confused. Luke has nothing to do with why I can’t stop the nightmares. Why I have a fear so deep inside me I can’t bear the thought of walking out of this house.
“What is your first memory of Luke?”
“I’ve known him since I was born. Our mothers were friends,” I tell her.
“That’s not what I asked. I asked you what your first memory of him was.”
I think back for a moment. “I believe I was four… or maybe five.” I take a deep breath and try to picture that day. “I begged my brother to push me on the swings. Sean didn’t want to, because he wanted to climb the fort. Luke stayed behind and pushed me.” I smile. There are a million other memories I have of Luke doing little things to make me happy. And then there’s the day of Sean’s funeral. When he walked out and never looked back.
“Okay, that’s good. Do you feel safe here? In this house? With Luke?”
“Yes,” I answer, because even if he left when I needed him the most, I know he’d never physically hurt me. I also know deep down if I picked up the phone and called him, Luke would have come for me.
“How did you meet Andrew?”
I jolt at the name. I never mentioned it to her. Luke must have. “I… I met him at a bar he owned.” My heart starts pounding. And my fingernails, or what’s left of them, dig crescents into my palms.
Dr. West sits across from me, observing my every move. I can feel her eyes on me. “Does talking about Andrew scare you?”
“I don’t want to remember,” I whisper.
“No one can erase your memories, Montana. What we can do is talk about them. Work through them and find a way for you to make peace with them.”
“Make peace with them? I was assaulted for three years, over and over again. I was alone. I had no one but the man who hurt me. But at least he loved me enough to stay. He was the only one who didn’t leave, so I stayed too. I don’t need a degree to tell me how fucked up I am. So fucked up I’m willing to stay in an abusive relationship just so I could feel wanted. Loved. By someone!” I yell at her, pushing to my feet and running out of the room as soon as the words are out of my mouth.
I can’t do this. It was a mistake. I never should have agreed to it.
I run upstairs and into the guest room, closing the door behind me. I go into the bathroom. My fingers grip the edge of the basin as I stare at my reflection. The bruises are fading. In a few more weeks, they’ll be gone. All the physical reminders of Andrew will be gone.
But the mental ones… they’re not going anywhere. Even now when I’m supposed to be free of him, he still has a chokehold on me.
“I hate you!” I scream as I pick up the marble toothbrush holder and throw it at the mirror, flinching when the glass shatters and shards fall down around me.
I look down at the little pieces before plucking one up between my fingertips. It would be so easy. Sean did it. I could do it too. I could just end everything now, go see my brother again.
The door opens and my head lifts, my gaze meeting Luke’s in the broken reflection.
It’s ironic. My reflection being broken like this. It’s as if it’s showing my true self. A broken woman. Lost, confused, angry, scared. I’m all of those things. The one thing I’m not is happy. I don’t even remember the last time I felt truly happy.
Luke’s glare flicks to the shard in my hand, and his face turns ashen. “Tanna, no,” he croaks out as he shakes his head from side to side.
I don’t move. I can’t. I’m frozen to the spot, caught in a trap of wanting to break free and wanting to just give up. Luke takes slow steps towards me, removes the glass from my hand, and tosses it aside.
“Don’t you dare fucking do that to me,” he whispers. “Don’t leave me. I just got you back.”
“No, you didn’t. I’m not the girl you used to know, Luke. I’m… broken,” I tell him.
“No, you’re not. I know exactly who you are, Montana, and broken is not it.” He picks me up and walks out of the bathroom. Out of the guest room and into his room.
Sitting on the bed, he positions me so I’m straddling his lap. I don’t fight to move off him. Honestly, I don’t want to. The only time I feel safe is when I’m with him, and I’ll take any reprieve from the fear I can get.
“Who am I?” I ask him, needing to know.
“You’re a fighter. You are the strongest person I know. You are a survivor. You are the kindest person I’ve ever met. You’re my best friend, a sister, a daughter. And you’re smart, so fucking smart, Montana. I don’t know anyone smarter than you.” Luke’s hands cup my cheeks. “You’re mine, and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you again. Not even yourself,” he says. “I’m not going to be able to make it up to you, not after leaving four years ago, but I’m going to try anyway. I can’t do that if you’re not here. I need you, Tanna. I need you to be the fighter I know you can be. Because this? It’s a moment in time and we’re going to get through it. Together.”
