Page 22 of Playing For Keeps

Farren didn’t know how to respond, sputtering before she fell into an uncomfortable silence.

“Look, I love you. I do. You’re my best friend, you’re vibrant and hilarious. Everyone loves being around you. But you’re not serious. You don’t respond to people being serious with you either. It’s what makes you, you. If I need help with my taxes, I call Rebecca. If I need help planning a party or a game night, I call you because that’s where your strength lies.”

Right.

Right, it made sense.

She said as much to Corinne on the phone, trying not to let the statement hurt her. Corinne gave a little huff of frustration on the other end of the line.

“But what do I know? I’m up to my eyeballs with Alison and work, plus dealing with crap at home. Luis’s mom is sick and might have to move in with us for a little bit. I’m swimming in ‘serious,’ and I envy you. I do. I wish I had your outlook on life, your ability to find joy in small things and move on to the bright and new. I’ve got blinders on to the bitter end out of pure stubbornness, you quit before it can get you down and follow what makes you happy. We kind of balance each other.” Corinne’s words soothed her a little, taking the edge off the sting. She wasn’t wrong about Farren; when it was put like that, when she laid it all out, everything was true.

“I’m sorry, really I am. I’m here for you, you know that, right?” Farren offered, feeling ashamed she didn’t know about all Corinne was dealing with.

“I know, thank you. I just think, if you’re freaking out about Sebastian, maybe take a look at why. What is it about him that scares you? Is it that you guys are too different and you’re forcing it into more than it has to be? Or is it because you’re afraid of wanting him more than he wants you?” The words sunk like stones into Farren’s stomach.

The little bit of insecurity she’d felt on their date slunk back in. Sebastian seemed too good for her. Traditionally good looking, successful and focused. Farren wasn’t conventional, she was exuberant. She’d never been great at “keeping her eye on the prize,” and she had no idea where her life was headed. On paper they didn’t fit. Corinne was right; what did Farren have to offer but a fleeting good time? If things were allowed to progress between them, Sebastian would be the one tiring of her first.

Only, she couldn’t bring herself to pull away. Where leaving had previously been easy—attachment flimsy and simple to break—things were a little different this time. This was so far outside of her “safe” zone, the area should be lined with blaring beeps and hazard warnings.

“He’s… he’s someone I’m afraid to want. Sebastian is put together. I’ve only ever dealt with assholes and disasters. He’s neither. What if he hurts me? What if I’m not good enough for him?” The words were small, the first of her fears to be spoken aloud.

Farren spent so much of her childhood blending into the background, being forgotten, no care given besides whether she did the minimum to get through school and life. Her mom was too busy dealing with the three others that came before her, and then those after—including Lindsay with her health issues. A struggling child, one who was fragile took precedence over one who seemed to do perfectly fine on her own. It wasn’t Farren’s fault her parents felt guilt over Lindsay getting so sick before they noticed.

Countless hospital visits over the weeks ate at them all, first in worry then in guilt as the aftereffects of her illness became apparent. By the time Lindsay was hale and hearty again, Farren was deemed old enough to see to herself and had older siblings to make up the difference. By the time she’d left home, with little fanfare and a sense of relief, Farren stepped into being loud… being needed. On her own terms.

Sebastian didn’t seem like the type of guy that needed any help. Sure, he was lonely. But so were thousands of other people. If they got down to it, if Farren stuck around, she worried she’d become dependent on him, and it would make it so much harder when the inevitable happened. He was a man of ambition, steadfast and determined. Farren was chaotic, incapable of making it to the finish line. What chance did they really have?

“What if he’s exactly what you’ve been missing and you’re just afraid to put yourself out there? I feel like I’d be quoting you to say ‘live a little.’ You never know, it could be wonderful.” Corinne’s voice was kind, the words settling over her and quieting the distress climbing up her throat.

“Thanks. I’ll see you in a little bit?” Farren asked, trying to build up the energy to get up and ready. Between the work week and this constant emotional back-and-forth, she was kind of whooped.

“Yeah, see you there!”

Farren stayed in bed for a little bit, contemplating her next move. As if he could sense her thinking about him, Sebastian sent her a text message apologizing for not being able to make it to game night, again. She knew he wouldn’t be joining, realized the demand of his job more as the week progressed and she got little bits and pieces from him. It was a little ridiculous. More than a little, if she was honest, but she respected how hard he worked and how much it seemed to mean to him. If she possessed even an inch of his drive, she wouldn’t have an unfinished pipe dream on her coffee table and a hunger for something she could never satisfy.

It was strange, watching him spend so much time on something that left him with so little—no free time, no friends, just stress and deadlines. She didn’t dare utter that out loud though.

She responded to his message, letting him know it was okay but that her friends were bummed they hadn’t gotten a chance to meet him yet. She finished it off with an offer for him to come over to her place when he got some free time. Dangling an offer for a home-cooked meal and some more introductory games so he could be more confident by the time he actually made it to game night.

Farren didn’t wait for his response; she got dressed for herself. These few instances of old insecurities inching their way into where they didn’t belong made her that much more determined to get back to her true self. She wasn’t going to let a man, no matter how cute or sweet, allow her to wander back down those roads and question her worth—physical or otherwise.

She pulled out one of her favorite tops, a cool-weather staple, copper with a caged cutout detail at the neckline. She paired it with painted-on black jeans and chunky velvet heels. The look was finished with a sharp cat eye and mascara. Too much for game night… for sure. Too much for Farren? Never.

The walk to the cafe was just what she needed. Crisp early fall floated on the breeze, teasing her hair and fluffing her curls. It snaked under the fabric of her clothes, the slightest yellow turn to the leaves. Her feet pinched a bit by the time she got there, her eyes watering slightly from the wind, but she felt good.

Her friends agreed, a few of them giving wolf whistles and cheers when they saw her walk in. Corinne came over to give her a hug with a suggestive eyebrow waggle.

“Sebastian change his mind?” she asked.

“Nope, I wanted to feel hot after dealing with kid boogers all week, so I dressed up.” Farren shrugged, sliding into a chair, ready to dive into the games for the night. She was pleased to note Braxton decided to come back and was currently sitting super close to Cute Chris.

They’d decided on deception games for the night, so after some rounds of One Night Ultimate Werewolf and a pretty long game of Betrayal at The House on The Hill, Farren got up for some sustenance. Her mind flitted over the mechanics of each game, wondering at what made them so compelling in their own right.

Standing in line, ignoring the urge to check her phone and equally hoping for a message… she treated it like Schrodinger’s text. Such a wreck in her own head, she didn’t notice how close she’d gotten to the front of the line, or the large hand that reached out to rest on the side of her waist, a warm body leaning forward toward hers and a familiar velvet voice whispering in her ear.

“We’ve got to stop running into each other like this.”

Sebastian.

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