Page 41 of Playing For Keeps

“We didn’t discuss plans today. Would you hate me if I wanted to go home? I have a placement starting tomorrow, and I have done zero preparation. I hope you don’t mind,” she said, seeming worried about how he’d react. Little did she know that space was exactly what he needed. Of course, he wouldn’t mind. Not this time. Not when she tied his insides up in a knot.

“Sure, let me give you a ride.”

She changed back into her party dress, holding all her items to her chest as they walked the steps down. Farren didn’t talk much on the drive over, eyes a little bloodshot, circles a testament to her tiredness.

He parked the car against the curb outside her building, the engine stalling to a stop and going quiet. They sat there for a moment, neither of them saying anything, and then they both seemed to jump to attention at the same time.

“Thank you so—”

“Last night was—”

Tension was broken with laughter, Sebastian gesturing for her to go first.

“Thank you for everything. I had a really good time with you last night.” Her cheeks were flaming, no makeup to hide the blush that swept under her skin.

“Last night was phenomenal, Farren. I… I don’t have words.”

When he tried to help her out, offering to walk her up, she shook her head with a small smile. She assured him she would be fine and she didn’t want to put him out. Farren leaned over, poking her head in through the open car window to give him a sweet kiss.

“I’ll see you around?” she asked.

“For sure.”

Sebastian watched her leave, conflict battling within him at how badly he hated to say goodbye, even temporarily… and how scary it was to think about asking her to stay.

The week that followed was similar to those before, the ones before Farren happened at least. Work—too many hours of it—too much bullshit. He was still tinkering with the app and the pitch, in secret, and doing an awful job of it in his distraction. He hoped if he got it ready, he could get himself back into Andrew’s good graces and his career back on track.

Farren and Sebastian exchanged some texts, and a phone call around midweek. She was a little frazzled, tired. Her new placement was more challenging, with far more kids to see to who were less cute than the kindergarteners she’d told him about. Now that Halloween was over, reality crept back in.

Sebastian said nothing when she expressed how drained she felt. How could he when that was his default setting at work? He just tutted in sympathy and let her vent. If she talked, he wouldn’t have to say anything. If she spoke, he wouldn’t have to admit he’d gotten demoted and that it was so close to what he’d run from, the thought of having to do it again was too much to comprehend. He’d buried it behind her talking about her family and prepping for the Halloween party, throwing himself into getting ready for it. But there was nowhere to hide now, no matter how badly he wished the demotion hadn’t happened or how much he wanted that pitch.

He felt sick at the prospect of telling her, thinking of how she’d reacted to the opportunity in the first place, how proud she’d been. Letting her down, letting himself down… he just couldn’t face it. So, when the conversation turned to him, and she asked him about his week, about work, he mumbled something about coding and SOPs.

The box with her gift lay unopened on his coffee table, mocking him every time he sat down to watch television. Sebastian wanted so badly to give it to her, to see her. Yet.

Yet those words were carved into his skin, and no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t forget them. Farren said nothing. Not that Sunday after Halloween or the rest of the week, either. She issued the weekly invitation to game night, and he gave the usual “I’ll have to see if I can make it. Work.” Yeah right.

Work is not going well and you barely seem to care. If she means so much to you, you’d have told her by now, come clean about why you’re such an untrusting, workaholic asshole. You’re delaying the inevitable.

The voice in his head wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t entirely correct either. She meant too much to him, and it scared him. It enraged him to have fallen under the pressure, and soon, he’d have to make a choice. Was he willing to let another woman derail his future? Heartburn he hadn’t dealt with in a while corroded his windpipe. Sebastian tried to harden himself to the hope shimmering under the surface.

And felt lonelier than he had in a long time.

Farren wracked her brain, rummaging through the memories of Halloween night to figure out if she’d done what she thought she did. It was hazy, the recollection bathed in moonlight and apple cider alcohol. She was pretty sure, though. She said the words she’d been trying to keep back for so long despite herself.

Sebastian either didn’t hear her or was content to pretend he hadn’t, though she couldn’t entirely fight the feeling something was off. Was he just stringing her along? Did he ignore what she said because he was scared of the pressure those words added? Farren had yet to reconcile how she felt. It bubbled under the surface for weeks. Apparently, all it took to boil over was alcohol and the hottest sex she’d had in years. Fuck.

They texted less than before, but he wasn’t actively avoiding her. At least, she hoped not. She issued her standard invitation for the Friday game night. Farren was strangely excited to go. She’d missed it. Between her family and her only-recent-reconciliation after her tiff with Corinne… She needed a sense of normalcy. He gave her the same spiel as usual, and the unease within her stomach spread.

This was why she didn’t do this. This disgusting doubt and worry with the slightest hint of impending heartbreak. This was why she ended things first and ran. It was protection. No one else was going to look out for her best interests. It fell to her. She may have made a massive miscalculation in thinking Sebastian was in her best interest. Even though she did love him. Maybe this was one of those disasters again, the ones she attracted without trying. The ones that eroded her.

Dread followed her through the week, growing larger and larger. By the time Friday came and went without seeing Sebastian, she knew she was well and truly fucked. She whispered brokenly to Corinne about her drunken mishap and the fear of what it caused. Corinne tried to reassure her that she was overthinking things, reading into it too much.

The cafe felt weird to her tonight, claustrophobic in a way it had never been. Chairs scraped too loudly against the wooden floors. The heat was turned up far too high, and a droplet of sweat trickled down the back of her neck. The scents of the food were too sharp, too sweet. Her nerves made everything feel off. Farren felt like she was waiting for something to go horribly wrong. Even the prospect of a cute game like Calico wasn’t enough to calm her nerves.

“He’s totally gone for you. You should have seen how he looked at you at the party.” Corinne bumped her shoulder against Farren’s as they placed tiles to create the coziest quilt.

Farren scoffed and bumped her back. “The only one who was gone was you. How did you pack so much alcohol into such a little body?” she tried to joke. Deflect. Deflect, and maybe she won’t give you false hope.

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