Page 42 of Playing For Keeps

“That’s beside the point. I mean it. His eyes were on you all night,” Corinne said, not taking the bait.

“Yeah, long enough for us to have sex and for him to start ghosting me.” The words were bitter, sitting on her tongue, and she couldn’t swallow them away.

“Wait… you guys—at the party?” Her friend stage-whispered, and Farren shook her head brusquely. She gave Corinne the look. The you’re-a-moron-shut-up look. It almost worked. Almost. But Corinne lifted her eyebrow suggestively, and Farren’s doubts flooded past the humor. “What if he ends up hurting me? I’m not built for this.”

“Weren’t you the one telling me just how different this is? Have some faith, Farren. Surely the risk will pay off, right? If it could mean forever, isn't it worth a tiny bit of doubt and fear?” Corinne was right. Farren hated when she was right because she tended to toss I-told-you-so’s around.

This was what Farren wanted. It may not be all she wanted in life. She may still have been trying to figure the rest out. But this piece of it, this surprise of a man, was top of the list at this point.

“You’re right. I need to go see him. No use both of us burying our heads in the sand.” Farren’s apprehension would have to wait.

“Atta girl!” Corinne pumped her up, practically shoving the game they’d just finished into a bag and urging Farren toward the door. “Go get him.”

The walk was chilly and dark, daylight savings stealing the last bit of summer and drowning the city in ink by six. Farren gathered her coat around her snugly, tucking her hands under her armpits to keep warmer. The trees were getting barer after an icy week, leaves crunching under her boots with each step. Should have brought a scarf. Should have called for a rideshare. Should never have lost her heart in the first place.

By the time she was outside his apartment, the cold wind stung her face to slight numbness, and all she felt when she rang the doorbell was trepidation.

“Yeah?” he asked through the intercom.

“It’s Farren.” Silence. Just a beat too long.

The lock buzzed open, and her boots clicked up toward his front door. Sebastian’s door swung in, and his bulk blocked the doorway. Annoyingly, he was even better looking despite the sweats, or perhaps because of them. He looked disheveled when she saw him. His hair stuck up in multiple directions as if he’d been running his hand through it. Gone was the clean-shaven face from Halloween, the early makings of a beard shadowing his jaw and cheeks.

“Hi,” she said. Unable to gather the courage for more.

“Hey. I wasn’t expecting you.” He mainly seemed surprised, not wholly dissatisfied with seeing her there.

“Yeah, sorry. I should have texted.” Her statement was met with that little tucked-in smile people give to strangers on the street when they don’t want to look rude, but there’s been eye contact.

Why? Why was this so goddamned awkward? Being with Sebastian had been so easy once they got going. Farren wholly lost herself in him and how he made her feel. But at this moment, less than three feet apart, it felt distant somehow.

He still stood in the doorway, making no move to touch her or invite her in. Farren felt like she was about to fucking vomit right there on his welcome mat. Sebastian seemed to remember himself as the silence between them stretched on just too long.

“Come in,” he said finally.

Farren followed him in, surprised to see the place looking messy. Every time she’d been here before, he had it pristine. Though again, it could just have been because he’d been prepared. He’d known she was going to be there. Still, it didn’t seem like him.

He gestured for her to sit on the couch, folding up the blanket he must have been lying under before she interrupted his evening.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come without notice.” Caught between the living room and the door, Farren’s eyes darted toward the exit, the ember of hope Corinne coaxed to life waning under his lukewarm reception. She moved toward leaving, surprised when his hand wrapped around her wrist.

“No, wait. I just… You caught me off guard, that’s all.” His eyes were shadowed, and she realized just how worn down he looked. The brackets next to his mouth sagged down a little, unhappy lines etched into his face. She thought of the dimple she’d seen on Halloween, wished it was etched into his cheek instead of the signs of stress and exhaustion.

“What’s going on? You’ve been quiet all week. Is everything okay?” she asked, looking him dead in the eye.

He gave a small sigh. “I’m fine. It’s just been a challenging few days.” Farren could have sworn she heard him mutter “few months” under his breath.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She stepped closer to him, yearning for the heat coming off of his body, so close she could feel the whispers of it.

“No... No.” He shoved his hand through his hair and shook his head as if the words weren’t enough for her to get the picture.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Farren wanted to erase his anxiety and ease whatever was bothering him.

“No.” His answer was abrupt, and Farren just felt unmoored. Something was very wrong here, and she must have made a huge mistake coming here unannounced. Her fear bloomed, manifesting as anger in its freneticism.

“Well, what do you want? You don’t want me to leave, but you don’t want to talk to me? You don’t have time to see me, but you’re gripping my arm as if you’re worried I’m going to bolt from the room. What is it? What do you want, Sebastian?” It came out more hostile than she’d intended, her insecurity tearing a hole through the reasonable tone she’d wanted to use.

Sebastian dropped her arm as if she’d burned him, stalking away from her, and she realized for the first time just how tall he was. Farren was large. She took up a lot of space. It was what it was. She’d never felt small her whole life. But seeing how far one step took him away from her, how distant one stride was for him…

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