Page 43 of Playing For Keeps

“I’d rather not do this now.” His tone was deadpan, something in his face shutting down at her questioning.

“Do what?” Probably not the best idea to try to pull more out of him, but she was hurting and wanted answers. She needed them. So that later, when she inevitably obsessed over what had gone wrong, she didn’t have to wonder about her part in it.

“I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to make this a whole thing. It’s been a lot, and I just need a second to avoid dealing with this.” He sounded defeated, his voice thick with fatigue, his frown leaving indents between his eyebrows.

“Is it work? Is it me?” Farren hated how small her voice sounded, how she’d let herself care this much about it and was too far gone to pull back now.

“It’s everything. It’s the fact that no matter how hard I work, how many hours I put in, and how much I sacrifice my time… One misstep is enough to derail it all. One mistake related to you.” He paced before her, gesturing toward her when he mentioned the mistake.

“Sebastian, what happened?” she asked, trying to keep the question careful, gentle, and kind.

“I got demoted, kicked off of the pitch I worked so hard on, around the time you were over visiting your family.”

His words dropped like stones in her stomach. “Oh. Oh, I’m so sorry. I know how much it meant to you and how hard you worked for it.”

“You have no idea. It’s been months of grinding, scraping, fighting for progress, and it was gone just like that.” He snapped his fingers. “Everything I’ve been working for since Ohio, and it was gone in an instant. Again. I’m not sure I can do it much longer. The hours, the stress. I put in so much of myself, and for what?” His pacing ceased as his voice rose, his face twisting in anger.

“What do you mean ‘again?’ I’m confused. I’m sorry. It sucks. I just don’t get how this is my fault or why you’re upset with me.” Farren’s stomach lurched with worry. This was it. This was the shoe drop. She was sure of it.

“My whole life got blown up in Ohio, so I had to leave. I had to prove myself and start over at this new company. I put in months and months of work. I aimed to redeem myself and my ideas and display my skills. All of it is gone. I have nothing to show for it.” He gesticulated with his arms as if his feelings were too big for mere words, and his body had to express some of it as well.

“I don’t think that’s true. If you explain, if you keep at it, you’ll get to where you want to be. I’m sorry things didn’t go your way back in Ohio, but it can be different here.” Farren tried to soothe, tried to get a grasp on what he was saying and what he wasn’t. Something happened beyond just work.

“Didn’t go my way,” he whispered, then scoffed. “My ex and I were working on proposals. We worked at the same company, and were both trying to sell an app. All we had to do was pitch. More fool me because she pitched my own fucking idea before I got the chance, and when I went in to do my pitch, I was fired for ‘stealing’ her proposal. My career was over; my reputation in Ohio was ruined because I trusted someone and let them in. Now it’s happening again because of you. Because you swept in and disrupted my life. It seems like nothing is normal anymore!”

Anger swelled within her at his reaction, disbelief because his “normal” wasn’t healthy. The hours he put in, the hard work wearing him down couldn't be “normal,” and hearing him call it that pissed her off.

“Whoa, okay. No. I had no part in what happened in the past. I’m sorry you were hurt and your trust was broken. But this job you’re chasing isn’t a cure-all, and you don’t need to prove shit to them or your ex. You know they treated you like crap long before I came around. We’re both grown adults. You could have said at any time you weren’t in this anymore. I’m not responsible for your feelings.” Her chest ached with rage and the urge to lash out. It was that or run. Farren took a step away from him, closer to the door to escape. “There’s two of us involved here,” she reminded him.

“Exactly. Involved. Somehow within a short amount of time, it’s become involved. I have a key to your place. I’m getting demoted for buying you a gift, and you’re telling me you love me. What am I supposed to do with all that? I’m not good at this. I’m not ready for this.” He yanked his hands through his hair, then rubbed a fist against his breastbone as if it pained him. Sebastian’s face twisted in a way that hurt to look at. Her chest stuttered at his words. It ached upon finding out he knew… he’d known and didn’t acknowledge it. Sebastian pretended he was clueless. Worse, he didn’t say it back, that was the most painful part.

“This wasn’t part of the plan, and now I’m fucking it all up because my goals were set in stone long before you.” He went back to pacing, though it felt more like prowling within the small space of his living area.

Once again, Farren felt like she was the second choice, first with her family and now with him. It made her want to throw up right there on his floor. Maybe it would force him to stop pacing.

“You hit me with those words, and all I can focus on is no matter which way this goes, I’ll be losing something important.”

Somehow the word “gift” permeated through the emotional fuzz around her brain.

“What gift? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Her confusion gave him pause.

Sebastian stormed past her toward his bedroom, emerging with a wrapped box, complete with a bow on top.

“This. This fucking thing practically cost me everything I’ve worked toward. Everything important to me.” He held it out for her to take, but she stepped back. She didn’t want it. Not if it came with so much resentment. Not much of a gift in that case.

“I didn’t ask you to do anything for me.” Farren’s voice was shaky, her eyes welling with tears. She felt her insides shriveling up the longer this conversation continued, the more the pain within her seemed to sink deep.

“Yeah, well. You didn’t ask for a gift, I got it anyway. I didn’t ask you to love me, and you did it anyway.” There it was. The consequences of her opening up to someone for the first time. For real. It hurt far more than she expected. Maybe later, she’d be able to recall how the mention of her loving him looked like it terrified him, but she didn’t care right then.

“I didn’t exactly plan it. Maybe I was just dickmatized. I don’t know. But right now, at this moment, with you throwing everything up in my face, making me out to be like your asshole ex, saying I’m just a roadblock in your life… I’m starting to wonder why I ever thought I loved you in the first place.” She hissed it out between clenched teeth, tears streaming hot trails over her flushed cheeks. “I thought this was different. I thought I was done wasting my time and messing around in something aimless, going nowhere.”

He seemed to grow somehow—becoming more intimidating—with his chest heaving and his hair messy. Farren had never seen that expression on his face, the misery, the scowl a mockery of the smile she so loved.

“Ha! That’s rich, considering I had to coax you into even trying to show up for yourself with that game idea you haven’t bothered to tell your friends about. Do you really think subbing is going to get you anywhere? It’s a dead-end job. I’m losing my dream trying to encourage yours.” He stepped closer to her, his index finger pointed at her chest, punctuating what she could only assume was an accusation. “I believe in you! I want the best for you, and it feels like it’s for nothing. You have no ambition, no drive. No matter how much I try to tell you your idea is worthy, you seem determined to diminish it so you don’t have to deal with the idea of failure.”

Failure. The word pelted her, relentless in its heft. All her life, she’d felt not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy. Protecting herself was all she had. How dare he throw that in her face? How dare he preach about failure when his whole career goal was just to spite someone else?

“Well, at least I have heart! You’re all ambition, working yourself into the ground for a job where you’re nothing but a number on a spreadsheet. You’re doing it to prove what, exactly? You’re better than your ex? That spite will get you to the top of a company sucking the life out of you? Nobody there gives a shit about you. Instead of putting time and energy into something that’s going to benefit you, that could actually be good for you…” Farren gestured between the two of them, between what could have been theirs. “You’re choosing to hide behind your fear, behind your stupid ego. I know this ex and your parents probably fucked up how you see relationships, but come on.”

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