Page 49 of Playing For Keeps

“You’re hurting. I don’t want to add to it. I just wanted to check in with you. We’ve been worried. Sebastian—he’s not my focus. You are. If you want to talk about him, we will. If you want to get rip-roaringly drunk and curse his name from a rooftop, we can also do that. I’m here for you.” Corinne pushed one of the drinks toward Farren, and she lifted the glass to take a swig, the alcohol burning down her throat.

“I just—I really wanted it. More than anything I’ve let myself want before. I shared parts of myself with him I usually keep guarded. Having Sebastian dismiss that, dismiss me… it just felt like I was back home and a kid again. I vowed I’d never let myself feel desperate again, aching for someone who didn’t prioritize me.” Tears pricked her eyes for the umpteenth time that week, and Farren was surprised she could still produce them after the deluge she’d cried.

“I’m so sorry. I want to kick him in the shin. Like really, really hard. The kind of kick that breaks the skin and leaves a purple knob.” Corinne’s face was twisted with mock fury, but the determination was there.

She said it so seriously, and Farren couldn’t help the half-laugh-half-sob coming from her mouth at the thought of her short and small friend getting into a physical altercation with anyone, least of all Sebastian.

“If I need that, I know who to call. I appreciate it, Corinne. Really. I’ve been struggling this week, and this helped. A lot.” Farren reached out her hand, squeezing the top of her friend’s in gratitude, pulling back to swipe at the moisture escaping her eyes.

“He’s been calling. Texting.” It was as good as a whisper in such a noisy room.

“What did he say?” Corinne leaned forward, eager for more information. Farren wanted to scoff at her friend. Despite her earlier sentiment, she was nosy as fuck.

“I don’t know. I’ve been deleting them.” Farren took another swig of her drink, trying to avoid saying any more.

She could feel Corinne’s pointed stare and focused instead on finishing off her glass of wine.

“Farren,” Corinne said. Low and warning.

“I don’t want to be that girl who has nothing else going on so she gets lost in a relationship. I don’t want him to be right about me and feel like I’m pointless… stagnant.” Stuck, like he was, even though he couldn’t see it.

“Well, what can we do about it?” Her friend’s words settled inside of her, the thoughts of her purpose swirling inside her brain.

What could she do if she was unburdened by pressure and expectation?

“I want to find my thing, something all my own that’s meaningful. I struggled for so long, feeling alone. It wasn’t until I met you guys and joined the game group that I felt like something could actually be worthwhile.” That I felt like I could make a home for myself here.

Corinne’s eyes got misty, and she held out her glass for Farren to clink hers against.

“I make a difference at school. I know I do. But what if it’s not enough? What if there are other people like me: kids struggling alone with no outlet or escape from crappy home situations or mental health struggles?”

The shape of it was there. Farren could feel it just out of reach. She strained for it, fingertips reaching for an elusive idea. So close and yet an ocean away all at once.

“I can see how much this means to you, how passionate you are about helping people. That’s one of your defining traits. You’re so kind, Farren. Nicer than most of us deserve, especially me. I know you can do it. Whatever it is you decide to go for.” Corinne leaned into Farren, giving her a sideways hug and leaving Farren feeling like a vice tightened around her voice box.

“Am I being stupid? Hubristic?” The words were quiet coming out of Farren’s mouth, wondering whether what she wanted was actually good or if she only sought it out for surface reasons.

“What? No! Where is this coming from?” Corinne asked.

“I don’t know. I feel like I tend to get swept away in stuff, hyper-fixating. I know a lot of it is my interests warring with my fear, and it’s been difficult coming to terms with it. My jobs have barely been enough to cover bills, if I get caught up in something new… I’m just worried this is a passing phase. I’ll end up right back where I started: flaky and reaching for something else. With people thinking I’m lazy or I give up too easily,” Farren felt tears prick the corners of her eyes.

It was hard not to internalize what she’d considered a character flaw for years, even with an official diagnosis telling her the fatigue she’d fought for so long wasn’t laziness; it was difficult to relinquish those old thought patterns of worthlessness. It seemed easier to act unaffected, to move along with the tide. People expected that from her, and eventually, she manifested it. It was time she claimed her own identity. Farren was more than what people saw on the surface.

“I think you know what you want, on a soul-deep level. I’m not talking about jobs and relationships. Those things are fluid. I’m talking about the kind of person you are. If you want to be of service, figure out a way to make that work for now. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be a lifelong legacy. Fleeting things can have just as much merit.” Corinne sounded very sage for someone two large glasses of wine deep.

Her friend brought up a good point, and Farren tucked away the thought that resonated with the mention of momentary things having merit. She knew what she had with Sebastian was real; even if they never saw each other again, it remained true. She learned from him. His drive worked alongside his passion. His belief in her bolstered her to try, put effort into what was important, even if it was just for a little while. She learned she was capable of love, the real kind. It meant something. It represented hope for the future despite the splintered state of her heart.

“I just wish I could smush all the parts of me together to make a cohesive whole,” Farren mused.

“So, why don’t you?” Corinne asked.

“What do you mean?” Could it be that simple? Could she have been so blind to the possibilities all along in trying to be one specific thing?

“You know what you’re passionate about. Why not pull from all aspects of your life for the most authentic chance at something?” Corinne’s words were biblical in their impact.

The ocean parted, the waves held at bay by her words, threading together into an idea.

“Yes.” Farren felt her brain on fire. Games brought her joy and community. Gaming gave her a place to belong, one of her own, one that made her think about dreaming and plans and creation. What if someone else could find what she had, could find themselves in that safe space?

---