Page 106 of Notorious

“Oh my dear Lord in heaven,” May Ella says. “This is too much.”

“So you’ll call him?” Kurt asks.

“Yessir,” she whispers. “Right away. Though why would he want to listen to me, when he could get any violinist he wanted? Ones who’re actually trained.”

“Formal training isn’t everything,” Kurt says. “I heard you play, and I know he’s going to love your passion. He likes keeping his inspiration down-to-earth. He used one of my paintings for an album cover, and I’m not exactly Van Gogh.”

May Ella is shining as bright as a new penny, and I don’t want to spoil this moment. But Christian’s right—I gotta face this and get it out of my system. It’s gonna eat me alive if I don’t.

“It’s all so wonderful,” Mama says.

Kurt catches my eye, and he gives me a nod like he knows what I’m thinking.

That man. Having his encouragement is everything.

“Mama, I have to tell you a few things that aren’t so wonderful.”

“Oh?”

“I’m sorry to be bringing this up now, but there really ain’t no good or right time to do it, so …” I just go for it. “I’ve been struggling lately. Mentally, I mean. A while back, I had a bad thing happen at work—I got assaulted.”

Mama’s face drops, and she reaches out to me. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Johnny. Are you okay?”

“Of course,” I say automatically, and then, “I mean, physically I’m fine. But no, I’m … I’m not okay.” I clear my throat. “The assault sent me into a pretty bad mental state, for a lot of reasons. I felt weak and ashamed. And I couldn’t get work, so I couldn’t help you when you were denied for the transplant that last time.”

She watches me carefully but doesn’t say anything. May Ella’s doing the same.

Might as well get it all over with.

“I decided to kill myself, Mama, so you could get the money from my life insurance and use it for the medical stuff.”

Mama gasps in a breath so sharp I worry, and her hand flies to her mouth. Her forehead wrinkles, and she starts to cry. “Oh, Johnny. No. Baby, no.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you. But yeah, that was my plan. I wrote you a note. I even wrote an obituary. I’d found a way to get you a kidney, from a place where they buy them from people. It wasn’t necessarily aboveboard, and you would’ve had to go outta the country. They told me they could find a match—they have lists of people who are willing to sell their kidneys for the right price, I guess. It seemed like the only way to help you.”

“John H. Haskell, there’s always another way.” She starts scolding me, and for some reason, her anger makes me feel better. “I can’t believe … My goodness, son. I don’t know what to say.”

“Johnny, I’m so sorry you felt so bad,” May Ella says. “I’d had similar thoughts—at least about trying to get her the money. I don’t have life insurance, but I thought about doing … other things.”

Mama turns to her. “No, baby girl, oh my goodness. You children, you do not have to take care of me like that.”

“We do, Mama,” I say.

“But I couldn’t live without you,” she says. “I’d never want you to sacrifice yourselves for me. Your lives or your principles. I’m just grateful you came to your senses.”

“Actually, I didn’t. But Kurt found out and stopped me.”

Her head whips to him. She beckons, and he moves over on the couch to where she can reach him. She takes his hand and holds it tight, saying fiercely, “I owe you my life, then. Because you saved my boy.”

Kurt swallows. “Anyone would have done the same thing.”

“No, anyone wouldn’t. And anyhow, that’s not the point. The point is that you did.”

He gives her a smile. “I was really worried about him. Still am, sometimes.” He looks over at me with those big brown eyes, and it’s my turn to fess up more.

“I had to go to a hospital for a while,” I say. “I did inpatient and outpatient therapy. And now I have regular sessions with a therapist who asked me if I’d told you these things. When I said no, she gave me a look like I knew you’d give me. So I’m sorry to ruin Christmas.”

“You haven’t ruined anything. I’m just so sorry you felt that bad,” Mama says. “I hope you’re getting all the care you need so you’ll get better.”

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