Page 108 of Notorious

I do a mental check. “The thoughts about guns or pills or whatever still come, and they scare me. I still hear violins, but not all the time. I don’t feel so much in the dumps. I get happy sometimes. I get horny sometimes. It’s … better. But not back to normal. I do like my job. I wish I had more hours at it, honestly. Bronwyn and I get along great, but I’m not the only part-timer there.”

“Is it the money that concerns you? That you feel you’re not earning enough?”

“In part. But more that I want somethin’ to do. Pass the time. Occupy my thoughts.”

“Maybe we should be looking more into getting you an intimacy coordinator job. I bet you know someone who could get you an interview. You could ask your agent. Or a friend in the industry.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“I don’t mean to push you before you’re ready,” he adds. “Just, I think it might be something that would make you feel good. You’d be helping people.”

“You’re right.”

He snuggles into me.

“Why do you want to be with me?” I blurt, out of nowhere. “I’m a damn mess.”

Kurt pushes me onto my back and straddles my waist. “John H. Haskell, I want to be with you for more reasons than I can list, but let me try to articulate as many as I can. You’re honest and caring. You love your family and dogs and horses. You’re genuine and sweet and selfless. You’re sexy and confident and wise. I love your funny sayings that, when I think about them, have a kernel of truth.” He swallows hard. “I can keep going, but the bottom line is, I just like you. I like how you’ve opened up to me, even about the things that scare you. How you don’t lie about the bad stuff, even when you want to. There’s a lot about you to like, Johnny, and I hope before too long you can believe that about yourself.”

“Damn.”

He leans down and kisses me. “What do you like about me?”

I grin. This is the easy part. I flip us over and lie between his legs, framing his face with my hands. “Everything. I like every fucking thing about you, Kurt Arden Delmont. I like how deeply you care, not just about me, but about everything. How you’re not content with the status quo, but you wanna make things better, even if you haven’t figured out how. I like how damn hot you are. I like that you’re artsy, and even though you’re all buttoned up, you have a wild side. I appreciate how you refuse to let me self-destruct. I like that you’re pushy and don’t let me get away with my bullshit. How safe you are to open up to. How you keep your promises.”

“Wow,” he whispers. “You make me sound pretty special.”

“That’s because you are.”

We end up kissing for a while after that. When we’re both breathless, I flop down next to him, but we can’t keep our fingers off each other.

Kurt whispers, “That part where you say I refuse to let you self-destruct. I couldn’t let you—not after Andrei. But I care about you independent of that. You know that, don’t you? It’s not just a savior complex or something. I care about you.”

I nod, though I’m not sure I always believe that. It’s still nice to hear.

He hugs me tight. “I’m proud of you for telling your mom the hard shit. Proud of you for facing your demons. I’m proud of you, always.”

“Thanks, babe. Thanks.”

CHAPTER 36

Kurt

It’s mid-January, and I’ve been busy with the campaign in advance of the primary. Practicing for the debate. Cold-calling voters. Canvassing neighborhoods. Going to fundraising dinners.

Despite all my efforts, I’m falling farther behind in the polls, which feeds the part of me that thinks I should concede. Maybe Santangelo’s not that bad—and even if he is, it’s up to the voters if they want to keep him. I don’t need to single-handedly solve all the world’s problems. I have enough to do, taking care of Johnny and myself. If I drop out of the race, I can follow up with Sam’s partners about the nonprofit they started. See if that’s more up my alley.

But then I’ll see a news story about some state making a law that belongs in the eighteenth century, and I’ll be invigorated again.

Johnny taking over in the bedroom is helping clear my mind. I love that there’s one area of my life where I don’t have to think. And he seems to be enjoying the dynamic. So at least both of us are winning somewhere.

I’m standing at a lectern in a Los Angeles hotel under hot spotlights. There’s a small in-person audience and multiple cameras trained on the proceedings.

The Democratic field started out larger, but it’s now down to just Santangelo and me. Guess everyone else was smarter than I am, knowing the incumbent will be hard to beat.

But I’m going to see this through.

“We’re here today with Herb Santangelo and Kurt Delmont, contenders in this year’s Senate race,” the moderator says from behind his desk. “This is an opportunity for the public to get to know the candidates before the primary the first week of March. This debate will be a modified town hall style. We’ve selected questions from audience members, and I will relay them to the candidates. Answers will be timed, and each side has a total of thirty minutes. Shall we begin?”

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