Page 115 of Notorious

“Sure do. Come meet her.”

Johnny stands beside the horse he’s chosen for me—Lucy—as I swing into the saddle and look at the world from this taller perspective.

After securing Lady in the barn, Johnny mounts his horse with ease and clicks with his tongue, and we head off. He leads us out of the arena to the fenced pastures of this property. There are huge old oaks, along with sycamores and some other trees I can’t identify. We’re nestled in a peaceful valley, and all I can think is how at home Johnny seems here.

I make a mental note to check out real estate in this area. I know he objected to the cost, but this is where he belongs—somewhere with horses and dogs.

I’m going to get him everything he wants and needs, whether he realizes it or not.

“What’s your horse’s name?” I ask.

“Sadie. She’s a sweetheart. Well, most of ’em are.”

I watch my husband, in his tight Wrangler jeans and white cowboy hat, expertly maneuver his horse next to mine. While I feel comfortable enough on horseback, he’s one with them. Like he thinks, and the horse moves the way he wants them to.

As we ride, my phone buzzes in my pocket, and I feel secure enough in the saddle to pull it out and check it. There’s a link from Paige. It’s a news story: “Lieutenant governor takes leave of absence to donate kidney.”

I smile and put the phone away, riding with Johnny in the afternoon sunshine.

CHAPTER 39

Kurt

The primary’s in two days, and I’m looking at projections and data from mail-in ballots, and I don’t have a snowball’s chance of winning.

“I should concede,” I tell Johnny. “I have to. I’ve been thinking about it, and I should.”

I’m a failure. I’m an impostor. I’m never going to help people. I’ve got no life’s work. All I’m ever gonna do is design junk mail.

“Why do you wanna quit now?” Johnny asks. “It’s so close to the election.”

“Because I’m not going to win, and this is stressing me out, and it’s not actually what I want to do.”

“I dunno ’bout the first one,” he says. “But I don’t like to see you stressed, and I definitely don’t want you doing something you don’t want to do. I’ll support you, whatever you decide.”

“I’m annoyed. Why isn’t this easier?” I huff.

He grabs me and pulls me to him so my face is pressed against his hard collarbone and his big biceps hold me tight. “Because you’re doing hard shit. If it were easy, everyone’d be doing it. They aren’t. But that don’t mean you have to.”

“I’m trailing by twenty points. I’m not going to get elected without a miracle.”

He leans back and puts a finger under my chin, his face full of concern. “Did I do this? Keep you from being elected? How much of this has been ‘Don’t vote for Kurt, because he’s fucking a porn star’?”

I don’t want to lie to him. “Some of it. But fuck them. Fuck everyone who doesn’t want to accept you.”

“I dunno,” he says. “You don’t have to force your preferences down people’s throats, either.”

“Why do they think I’m doing that by just existing? For fuck’s sake, I want to help people!”

“Maybe they don’t trust your judgment.”

“Ugh! I’m sure they don’t trust my judgment, but I know what I’m talking about when it comes to public policy. Don’t do bad shit that hurts people. It’s pretty simple, really.”

“I know, precious. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry if I made you lose the election.”

“Don’t be,” I say fiercely. “I’d never trade these past few months with you. I’m just fucking disappointed that the world isn’t the way I want it to be.”

“That makes two of us,” he says.

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