Page 122 of Notorious

“It’s your mental illness. People don’t understand how much that can take over. But I do. I have infinite patience for you, okay, babe? We can get through this. Would it help to tell me what was going through your brain? Or would you rather be distracted?”

“Both, I think,” I say.

“Then tell me, and after that you can have your pick of distractions. Your choices are a mindless movie, playing with your puppy, or fucking me into the mattress.”

“I’ll take D, all of the above,” I say.

And, while I’m still feeling raw and out of sorts, I slowly start to unclench. I tell him what went wrong in my head. We walk Lady. We watch Must Love Dogs.

By the time Kurt’s naked and writhing under me, I feel … not normal. But like I can live for another day.

And that’s all I have to do.

CHAPTER 41

Kurt

First thing the next morning, I’m sitting with Johnny in Christian’s office as he tells her about the past few days. Thankfully, she agreed to see us before her scheduled sessions for the day, and court isn’t starting up again until tomorrow.

Christian looks concerned as Johnny speaks, but she listens quietly.

“I just can’t get these damn thoughts out of my head,” Johnny is saying. “When it hurts so much, I just wanna … make it stop. Turn off the light switch and let everything go black. It’s overwhelming. I’d thought those feelings had gone, because of the meds or the therapy or … I don’t know. I just thought I was done with them. But I’m not, and I’m … I’m fucking pissed that my brain still does that.” He sniffs. “I feel like a little kid saying this, but it ain’t fair. I don’t want those thoughts. I wanna feel better.”

She nods. “It’s hard when we think we have to police all of our thoughts. But that’s just not possible.”

Johnny looks at her, utter devastation on his face. “It’s not? You mean I have to be like this for the rest of my life?”

“No, I don’t mean that. The thoughts should lessen. We should evaluate your medication and also see if you’d benefit from other therapies like meditation or journaling.”

“At this stage, I’ll try anything,” Johnny says. “Anything to stop these thoughts, because when they come, they come. And I don’t wanna hurt Kurt. Or myself.”

Christian nods. “To be fair, you were triggered by reliving an extremely traumatic event in a very public manner. Give yourself some credit for living through both—the event itself, and then the vivid memories viewing the video brought back.”

“You really have gone through more than you should be expected to,” I say, reaching out to hold his hand. His skin is cooler than usual, but his grip is as tight as ever. He’s developed new calluses from working at the ranch, and I love the strength they represent.

“Pay attention to what you can control and what you can’t,” Christian says. “You can’t control your past, and to a great extent, you can’t control your thoughts. But you can become aware of them, and you can notice when you’re having intrusive ones.”

“Which is all the fuckin’ time some days,” Johnny says. “Excuse my French.”

“You’re a good person, Johnny. Just because you have some uncomfortable thoughts every once in a while—or even often—doesn’t change that,” she says.

“Yeah, sure.”

Christian holds up a hand. “I want to make a suggestion. I think you would benefit if you could stop fighting the fact that you’re a kind, strong person with good qualities.”

“I don’t do that. I mean … Shit. Do I?” Johnny looks so genuinely bewildered, I want to hug him.

“How often do you give yourself a compliment?”

He thinks about it for a moment and then laughs. “I’m gonna have to say never.” His face falls. “I’ve treated myself like shit. Why did I do that?”

“That’s an interesting question, and one we can explore during future sessions if you like. But for today, I think it’s most important that you realize you’ve done it, and now it’s time to change the script. There’s no point in blaming yourself for what’s already happened. Part of treating yourself well is forgiving yourself for treating yourself badly in the past.”

“I suppose. But how many times do I need to do that? I keep having these fucking negative thoughts. I can’t seem to keep them out of my head. It’s frustrating as hell.”

“It is frustrating,” she agrees. I like how she validates how he’s feeling. Then she tilts her head. “Have either of you two ever heard of the concept of l’appel du vide?”

“No,” I say, and Johnny shakes his head.

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