Page 136 of Notorious

I love him.

I turn off the camera and kiss him hard. This one’s for me.

CHAPTER 45

Johnny

Iput a finger under Kurt’s chin and kiss him. “You good, precious?”

“I am. You?”

“Very much so. In fact, I think I got more out of that than I’d expected.”

“In what way?”

“I think you got to see the best part of me. I was reclaiming a job I used to enjoy—but with you, so it meant something. Fucking you on camera felt right,” I say. “It didn’t feel like a performance. More … that I was giving you what you wanted—and what you wanted was the true me.”

“Yeah,” he says, curling into me. “That sounds right. The true you is more confident than you usually let on in real life, I think.”

I nod. “I’m not so aw-shucks as I come off as. I can dial up or down my country roots, although they’re always gonna be there to some extent. I’m never gonna be comfortable with putting on airs. But that doesn’t mean I’m auditioning to be in a western movie like my Velvet the Cowboy namesake.”

Kurt has a skeptical eyebrow raised. “I think you’re always going to be a cowboy.” He snuggles into me. “Did you miss it, though? Porn?”

Kissing his head, I say, “A little, yeah. I’d treated giving up porn—my livelihood—as no big deal, but it mattered to me. I wouldn’t have stuck with it so long if I hadn’t gotten something out of it. The true me loves sex. The true me loves to be on camera. You unwittingly combined a few things that I very much need, or at least enjoy: sex on camera, a sense of play, and sometimes … a performance.”

“And I’ve always liked sex as something in a movie.” Kurt smiles. “This is good. We can make this work. Now we know that, when you’re getting a little too low, we can maybe turn the camera on and both get our needs met.” He pauses. “Do you think you’d want more than just me?”

I shake my head. “I’ve never needed to be promiscuous.” He chuckles. “I just like to use my body this way and to give it to someone else.”

“I’m happy to receive it.”

“Then giving myself to the love of my life suits me just fine.”

He smiles shyly and kisses me hard.

“Should we get cleaned up?” I ask.

Kurt nods. I watch his ass as he heads into the bathroom to get some towels to clean the floor, and I know I’m in love with him.

The following weekend, we drive up to see Mama, who’s a few months out from her kidney transplant. We’ve been keeping tabs on Kurt’s mom, and she’s doing well, but this is the first chance we’ve had to see my mama since she was cleared for visitors.

Kurt had this funny thing where he used to call his mom “Momther,” because he explained that she wasn’t close enough to be a mom, but she wasn’t distant enough to be a mother.

That’s stopped now. She’s just plain mom. Especially to me. Especially since she donated a kidney to my sweet mama.

As we drive up the interstate, Kurt fiddles with something on his phone. While he usually lets me pick the radio, he says, “Listen to this,” and music comes over the car’s speakers. Lady’s ears perk up in the back seat.

It’s a pop song, and I recognize the voice as that of Julian Hill. A lump forms in my throat at the violins that are rocking alongside the guitar and drums.

“Well,” I say. “That’s May Ella, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Doesn’t she sound fantastic?”

“It’s amazing.”

“I guess Jules spread the word about her being a contract musician, and now other musicians are wanting to work with her. They like her story, and they like her sound.”

“It’s a dream come true.”

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