Page 24 of Notorious

“I’m just porn.”

“No one is ‘just’ their job. And besides, that’s a very judgmental attitude, Mr. Haskell,” I say, my tone snippy, though I hope he can hear the teasing in it as well. “Sex has an important place in the lives of most adults. Don’t let the haters shame you for providing a service. Don’t let them make you doubt your self-worth.”

I’m not sure where the soapbox I’m standing on right now came from, but apparently it’s what Johnny needed to hear, because he’s looking at me with soft eyes. He opens his mouth to say something, but then he closes it and looks around the hotel room, clearly defeated. Moments pass while he bites his lip. I keep my attention focused on him.

“Do you think you’re depressed?” I ask.

“I dunno. I’ve been going about my days just fine.” He winces. “Or as fine as I’ll ever get. There’s no other choice if I’m going to take care of my mama.”

“There is a choice. Let me help you. We’ll figure out a way to get her the money she needs. I have to fundraise anyway, for my campaign. I’ll talk with the promoters and see what we might be able to do.” I tilt my head. “How much are we talking about, anyway?”

He tells me, and my chest constricts. “I have that in my bank account. It’s yours.”

“I’m not gonna let you give my mama your life savings.”

“It’s family money,” I correct. “And even if you won’t let me pay for all of it, I can do something. Does she need surgery this very minute? Is she in a lot of pain?”

“It can wait a little. It’s more a quality-of-life thing right now. I just want her better.”

“Okay,” I say. “We’ll make that happen. Just come home with me.”

Johnny drags his nails down his cheeks and then curls his arms over his face, shaking his head. My heart breaks a bit more for him.

“Let me get you some help. And let me figure out a solution for your mom.”

“What are you going to get out of this?”

“Besides the satisfaction of helping a fellow human being?” I say. Besides not wanting you to be another Andrei?

He nods.

A thought crosses my mind, but I don’t want to voice it, because it would make it sound like I think this situation is transactional, which it most definitely is not.

But I like Johnny a lot, and I really wouldn’t mind banging this beast of a porn star—my all-time favorite.

That’s minor, though. It’s obviously more important to help him and his family. If I never touch him, because it’s not what he needs, I’ll fully respect that.

“That satisfaction is enough,” I finally say. “And you matter to me.”

He gazes at me. I think he’s going to nod, but he doesn’t.

Then something else dawns on me, and I don’t feel guilty using it to manipulate him, because Johnny doesn’t seem to be motivated to save himself. Saving me, on the other hand… that might work.

“And there’s another thing to consider, husband.” I emphasize the word. “It’s bad enough for my political career that I drunk-married a porn star. How much worse would it be if said porn star killed himself the next day?”

Johnny’s jaw drops, and his hand cups his mouth. “Shit,” he mutters.

“Yeah. Shit.” I look at him, crossing my arms over my chest. “And my mom’s going to run for president. How’s it going to look for her?”

He closes his eyes. “Goddamn.”

“Right. So come with me for a little bit, at least. I mean, you gotta help me, man. I can’t deal with this by myself.”

Johnny swallows hard and nods.

The lightness in my chest makes me feel like I won something major. Maybe I did.

“Cool,” I say faintly. “So now what do we do?” I shouldn’t be asking him. I should be taking care of him. He’s at the end of his rope, and I need to not put any additional demands on him right now.

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