Page 53 of Notorious

Kurt gives me a tight smile. “You okay?”

“Not sure,” I croak. “But it’s … it’s peaceful. Even if I’m second-guessing being here.”

“Do you want me to take you back to my house? I don’t want to do that, because I’m not equipped to take care of you, but if you insisted, I would. I’m not going to check you in against your will.”

“No. Don’t take me back. I’ll … I’ll figure this out.”

“Okay, babe. Then let’s get you checked in.”

We walk inside, and Kurt addresses the admissions nurse. “Um, hi. Our therapist called over and said you had a bed available for my husband, John Haskell.”

Why is it that every time one of us says the word husband it thaws my frozen heart a bit more?

“That’s right,” she says kindly. “We do. Why don’t you fill out these forms and let me have your insurance information?”

Kurt digs in his pocket for his insurance card, explaining that we just got married and he’ll guarantee payment. He’s arranged to take some time off—obviously, since he’s spent all day with me—but his work acknowledged the coverage in an email he shows her.

I park my ass on a leather couch and try not to worry about how expensive this place must be. I’m grateful that Kurt’s filling out the forms, because my address is now his, and I don’t remember what it is.

“Any dietary restrictions?” she asks. “Allergies?”

I shake my head. “No, ma’am.”

After she reviews the forms and enters the information in the computer, she says, “Okay, John. Are you ready? If you have any personal property like a cell phone, wallet, or keys, you’ll likely want to give it to your husband, because you won’t be allowed access to it while you’re here.”

Everything about going into a mental hospital is unnerving, but this still hits hard. It feels like they’re stripping away my last connection to the outside world. I guess because they are. With only a few seconds’ hesitation, I hand my phone to Kurt and tell him the passcode in case Mama calls. I watch as it disappears into his pocket.

Most people worry about the photos that someone might find on their phone, but with me, it’s the opposite. There are so many images out there of me doing a wide variety of sexual acts that my phone’s basically storage for photos of sunsets, horses, dogs, my mama, and my sister—and now a couple of Kurt from Vegas. I’ve got nothing to hide—or, rather, little that Kurt doesn’t know about already. He seems to figure out my deepest, darkest secrets without me even telling him, and he knows I have a lawsuit going, even if he doesn’t know why. But I’m giving him access to even more of me when I give him the phone.

I think I like giving him access to me. No one else has ever had that. It’s intimate. I’m slowly letting him see every part of me. The real me.

He must be a loser, too, if he wants to know me.

Anger flares within me at that thought. No way am I letting my fucked-up brain insult Kurt. Take it back.

Fine. Just, no one’d want to get to know you.

Whatever.

“I’ll give you a moment to say goodbye,” the nurse says, and again the paradoxical combination of nerves and calmness washes over me. I’ve never been in a place like this before, but I assume it’ll change me. I have a chance to get better, but I don’t know how that’s gonna happen.

Kurt looks up at me, his warm brown eyes concerned. “What do you want me to tell your mom?” he asks. “If she calls.”

“If she calls, tell her I’m busy and I’ll call her the next chance I get.”

“Anyone else I should tell?”

“Can you get a message to my lawyers? Ask Sam to tell them I’m here, so they’ll understand if I don’t reply to an email or something?”

Weird that the people who’ll know I’m checking myself into a mental hospital are my husband of, what, two and a half days, and my lawyers. But that’s all I care about. Ace can wait.

“You got it,” Kurt says. “Is this a secret as to anyone else? I’m not planning on blabbing, but I want to know how much I can talk about it.”

“I don’t want it getting spread, but I trust you to tell the right people. Need-to-know basis.”

“Got it.”

I appreciate the fact that he pulls out his phone and adds a reminder to call Sam. Kurt has a million things going on, but this matters to him. I matter to him.

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