Page 54 of Notorious

Kurt takes a piece of paper and scribbles down his phone number for me. “In case you can call out.” He gives me a smile, which thaws some of the ice inside me, and even though I’m still numb, I’m so darn grateful he’s here. “When are visiting hours?” he asks the admissions nurse.

She tells him, and he enters the information in his phone. Again, my heart thumps. He’s going to visit me. I don’t have to do this for days on my own.

“Can I come tomorrow?” Kurt asks.

“Assuming that he’s out of the locked ward, yes,” she says, and I freeze up again.

Locked ward? Shit.

My brain starts picturing every single TV show I’ve ever seen that had someone taken away in a straitjacket. Do they still use straitjackets? Are they going to use one on me if I get too mouthy?

“Locked?” I ask. Is this hospital stay a good idea, or am I giving up freedoms I don’t wanna lose?

The nurse gives me an efficient nod, which makes me feel better, since it seems like this is all routine. Or else she doesn’t care, which would be bad. Contradictions and paradoxes. “It’s protocol. You’ll be in a locked ward until you meet with the doctor. That’s usually about twenty-four hours, but it might be less.”

I’m inching closer and closer to Kurt. Should I pull the plug on this? I'm checking myself in, and I can check myself out … right? I don’t dare ask that, now that I’ve gone this far. Instead, I ask, “And the doctor will decide if I’m safe to be in the regular ward?”

“Exactly.” She looks at me expectantly, which means, I guess, that it’s time to go.

I dig in my pocket and hand Kurt my mostly empty wallet. “Won’t need this,” I say. Now he has every material thing I own except the clothes on my back and whatever few photos my mama has.

I’m entrusting myself to Kurt. And I really hope that’s the right call, because if things here go haywire, I don’t know how I could get myself out of this mess without him.

“Don’t worry,” Kurt says. “I’ll take care of everything for you.” His voice is husky, and it seems he’s catching the same feels as I am. He gives me a kind smile. Then he opens up his arms, and I step into them.

He smells clean and sexy and already familiar, and his body feels perfect against mine. I cling to him while the admissions nurse waits patiently. He whispers in my ear, “You got this. I care about you. I’ll come visit you. You’re going to get better. The only way out is through, babe. You can do this. You can live.”

I’m going to get better.

The only way out is through.

I can live for one more day.

I’m trusting myself to the right people. The right person.

I lean down and kiss him, and unlike most of our other kisses, this one’s sweet and closed-mouth until I get a little desperate at the end. We break away from each other, and as I wave goodbye, alarm hits me.

What if I never get to leave? What if I’m so fucked up that I have to be locked in here for the rest of my life?

Shit, this was a bad idea.

But as I follow the nurse deeper into the hospital, I remind myself that I have to get better. I just have to.

CHAPTER 19

Kurt

Idrive away from the pastoral hospital with a churning stomach and restless limbs. I just left Johnny in the care of a bunch of strangers. He’s my husband. My brand-new, I barely know him husband, but my husband nonetheless.

I drive on autopilot, lost in my thoughts. I’ve had my dream man for such a short time, and I let him be taken away from me for his own good. I miss him already.

While I know he needs professional help I’m not qualified to offer, it feels wrong to be driving away from him when I really want to watch over him. He should be with me. I should be able to just lean in and touch him.

It’s ridiculous for me to feel this strongly about him when I’ve only just met him, but he’s a big guy with a big personality who’s made a huge impression on me.

Thank fuck I met him before he harmed himself.

The first person I call once I get into better cell reception is Sam. After chatting for a moment, I ask if he wants to go to dinner tonight. We agree to meet at a chic restaurant near his work, and that’s one thing off my list.

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