Page 70 of Notorious

“Dogs are the best,” he agrees, and he becomes my favorite pop star, even though I couldn’t tell you one song he sings. “If you were to get a dog, what kind would you get?”

“Well, I like all dogs, but you can’t go wrong with a goldie. Or a German shepherd. They’re so smart and loyal.”

“Agreed. I’ve always wanted to adopt a retired greyhound. They’re sleek, and I figure that they could use some love after being forced to race.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” I walk into the kitchen, and he follows me. “Want something to drink, since you’re forced to be here?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say forced. I’m happy to do it. And I’d love a cuppa.” It takes me a moment to figure out he’s talking about tea. He helps me make him a “proper” mug.

I end up talking with Julian Hill for two hours about all the dogs we’ve ever wanted to own.

When Kurt gets home from the Rotary Club meeting, Jules and I are sitting on the balcony, watching the waves and the surfers. We go inside and chat with Kurt for a moment, and then Jules hugs us before being whisked off by his driver.

“How’d’ja get Julian Hill to babysit me?” I ask once we’re alone.

Kurt shrugs out of his jacket and slips off his tie, setting them on a dining chair. “It’s not babysitting. More … just making sure you’ve got company and are okay. I asked Sam if he could do it, and he volunteered Jules.”

“It was nice of him, if unexpected.”

“People care about you.” That statement makes me want to squirm, but Kurt leans over and kisses me. “As they should.”

“Yeah, maybe,” is the most I can get out.

“Are you tired of people asking you how you are?” he asks.

I shake my head. “No. Or … maybe yes, but it’s still a valid question. My mood is all over the place. Sometimes I’m feeling pretty good, and other times I’m wondering where you put the keys to the locked cabinet.”

Kurt winces. “It’s still that bad?”

“We agreed to be honest. It’s not like going to the hospital was magic. It stabilized me, sure. Kept me from getting worse, definitely. But getting back to normal, or something like that?” I bite my lip. “That’s gonna take a while.”

“Then I’ll be patient.”

We move to the couch on the balcony and settle down to watch the waves. Kurt puts his head on my shoulder. I love that. I love his warmth next to me on this cool evening. And I’m trying to be aware of these moments of happiness and pleasure so I can remember them when things aren’t as good.

“You know, even if there’s no magic cure, I’m still proud of you for going,” he says. “And grateful, honestly. I wasn’t there in time for Andrei, and seventeen years later, I’m still fucked up about it.” He pauses, then adds, “Sometimes, now, I have these nightmares where it’s his bloody body, but your face.”

That makes my gut clench, but I don’t know what I can say. “I’m so sorry y’all went through that.”

“I keep thinking, if I’d been a better friend, a better boyfriend, would it have been different? Did I make things unbearable for him? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t stop him?”

“Even though I wasn’t there, I can guarantee there was nothing you could’ve done. If someone wants to do that to themselves, they can’t be stopped.”

“I stopped you.”

“You did, but I also let you. And honestly, I still wake up every morning questioning whether I want to go through with it.”

Kurt turns to me with pain in his eyes. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Now, see? That there ain’t your fault. It’s some chemistry in my brain that’s making me feel that way. The meds haven’t all kicked in yet. I have hope, but if I get too far ahead of myself, I spin out. The only thing I can do is bring it down to this moment. Today. Do I want to live for today? Maybe, maybe not. But I promised Kurt I would, so I do.”

“I knew this was hard, but I hadn’t realized how hard,” he says, squeezing my hand.

“Sometimes it’s really damn hard, darlin’.” I stroke the top of his head and then kiss it. “Andrei’s suicide wasn’t on you. That, I know for sure.”

“How do you know?” Kurt asks quietly.

“Because I know you. You’re kind and loving. Look at the care you take of me, and I’m next to being a stranger. Even if you were a punk kid—which I don’t think you were—you didn’t want your boyfriend to die. Y’all couldn’t have stopped him if he was that determined.”

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