Page 77 of Notorious

“What’s that?”

“That I’ve been trying to fix things I can’t ever fix.”

I hug him. “It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I guess the real question is, where do you want to go from here?”

“I ain’t figured that out yet. I’m still focused on getting better and tryin’ to get my mama taken care of.”

“I wonder if Sam, or the firm, has gotten anywhere with the insurance company. Something sounds wrong to me. If she’s otherwise a good fit, why isn’t she getting approved?” I cock my head. “Could I be a donor?”

“What’s your blood type?” I tell him, and he shakes his head. “Nope. I don’t think that’s compatible.”

I renew my commitment to help him help his mom. I could just send her the money—I want to just send her the money. But doing that without Johnny’s consent would feed his feelings of inadequacy. I’ve seen the little pad of paper where he’s adding up every single thing I’ve bought him. I’m not willing to jeopardize his mental state by adding a big-ticket item to that list, especially when his mom’s illness seems not to be an immediate crisis.

I don’t know how to tell him that he’s worth every penny in my bank account. That I don’t care if he pays me back. That I don’t want him to pay me back.

I don’t know how to tell him that I want to protect him. That I want to take care of him. I don’t know how to tell him how lonely I was before he came into my life and how integral he’s starting to be for me.

“Are y’all ready for the debate?” Johnny asks, clearly wanting to change the subject.

“I think so,” I say. “I’m never going to be perfect, but I want to do the best I can, so Paige and I have been practicing with a consultant.”

“You’re going to be amazing. Want me to come and be in the audience, clap for you?”

“You think you’re up to it?” This isn’t about me—I’m ready for Johnny to come out of the shadows anytime he wants to.

“I do.” He pauses. “I’m gettin’ used to feelin’ my feelings and talking about them instead of just pushin’ them down until they explode.” He clears his throat. “So … you comin’ with me to therapy tomorrow?” he asks. “Do y’all have time?”

I nod. “Of course.”

When we get to Christian’s office, Johnny doesn’t get out of the car right away. He stares out at the ocean, then looks down at his lap, then gazes up at the office building.

“Today’s gonna be hard,” he says. “I think I’m ready, but it’s …” He scrubs his face with his hands. “I’m scared you’re gonna look at me different.”

“I won’t,” I promise.

“How do you know that? What if the … stuff I have to say is awful?”

“You’re not the type to ever do anything truly awful, and if something awful happened to you, it’s not your fault.”

“Okay, yeah, I get it.” He doesn’t sound entirely persuaded. “I’m just nervous.”

I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile. “That’s probably why you need to talk.”

“Maybe. Yeah. Okay.”

We get out of the car and hold hands as we walk into the office, then settle side by side on the couch when it’s time for his appointment.

Christian leans forward with a professional and kind smile. “What would you like to talk about today?” she asks.

“I wanna talk about what happened to me that day at work,” Johnny says. “And why I brought my lawsuit. Even if I’m fucking petrified what Kurt’s gonna think of me afterward.”

CHAPTER 26

Johnny

If Kurt and I are gonna be together for real—and I want that more and more every day—he needs to know everything about me. Even the ugly stuff that I’ve tried to hide.

Christian is a professional. It’s her job to listen to this sort of thing and not react. But this may make Kurt look at me differently. Make him think less of me.

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