Page 81 of Notorious

Will he still want to stay with me even if his political career doesn’t take off? Because I’ve seen the poll numbers, and … he’s a lovely man, but the race isn’t close. No matter what he says, I’m still not sure he’s with me by choice. I’ve trapped him, in a way.

“What do you think?” Christian asks me.

“I think I like Kurt a heck of a lot. And I’m grateful he’s helping me through this. I’m scared, though, that we’re only bonding because I’m a mess—the folks at the hospital said sometimes that happens, and I want something real.”

“It feels real to me,” Kurt says, which makes my pulse flutter in my throat.

“I’m scared you’re gonna change your mind about me after the election.” I laugh humorlessly. “For a marriage that wasn’t even meant to be real, I’m really hung up on you.”

“The election has nothing to do with our marriage,” Kurt says. “And for what it’s worth, I’m really hung up on you, too.”

Christian gives us a warm smile. “It sounds to me as if you both care deeply about each other, despite your relationship being very new. And that’s good. We all need people who we can rely on, especially in times of stress. Now, outside of this room, there are things happening in your real world,” she says. “Kurt, you have an election coming up. And Johnny, you’ve got your lawsuit.”

“Yeah.”

“How’s your stress level with that?”

“Pretty fuckin’ high,” I admit. “And it’s not just the lawsuit. I’ve been jumpy. After the … the incident, I started carrying a gun for protection. I also had some fantasies about making Gary Pinkerton go away permanently.” I quickly hold up my hands. “I’m not a murderer. I just needed to feel safe, you know? My plan B, back in Vegas, was going to be either him or me. But when it came down to it, I didn’t think I could shoot someone else. Not, like, out of the blue.”

“The gun was for him?” Kurt asks. “I didn’t know that.”

“Or me. I was gonna take the pills, then use the gun if I needed it.”

Christian looks at me for a long moment, apparently trying to figure out if I’m a danger to society.

“I locked up the gun,” Kurt assures her. “Even though I’ll admit hearing his story makes me feel violent, too, and I’m not a violent person.”

“Are either of you two going to do anything with the gun?” Christian asks.

“No,” I say.

“No,” he says.

“If that changes, you call me.”

We both nod.

She looks satisfied. We get to the end of the session, and she says, “I don’t know what the ‘right’ outcome for your relationship is. You got together in highly unusual circumstances, and while the immediate crisis has passed, Johnny, you’re still working through a lot of difficult issues. In any case, you didn’t come to me for relationship counseling. But whatever path or paths you two end up walking, as I said before, it’s clear that you truly care for each other.”

I nod and smile at Kurt. “I think that’s true.”

He nods back. “Definitely.”

CHAPTER 27

Kurt

Johnny said he was worried that I’d look at him differently because of his assault, and I promised him I wouldn’t. I’m going to keep that promise, but I’ll admit it’s difficult. Not because of anything he did or didn’t do or because I think he’s weak. But because that level of betrayal has to mess with his head. No wonder he was in such a bad place. Add that to his mom’s chronic illness and the unstable situation in which he grew up, and it’s amazing that he's as together as he is.

When we get back into the car, there’s a slightly awkward silence. I think he might feel like he overshared.

But I feel closer to him, like he opened up this part of himself and let me see the scary things that he hides from everyone else.

He’s the bravest fucking man I know. I don’t blame him for any of the horrors that were inflicted on him, but they do help explain some of his behavior. The fact that he came out of that not hating all of humanity is a testament to his gentle nature. Everything I find out about him just makes me like him more.

My dominant reaction, though, is a thirst for revenge. Gary Pinkerton can’t get away with this. There’s Johnny’s lawsuit, yes, but … a bad part of me says a financial judgment can never be enough.

I’m going to do something about it, even though I’ve never done anything like that before.

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