Page 84 of Notorious

That intuition I have kicks in again, and I can see why Johnny has given up everything for her. She’s gentle. Kind. She’s trying. You can tell by the determined set of her jaw and the way she’s kept everything around her as nice as it can be. The house’s furnishings aren’t fancy or expensive, but they’re treated with care.

It makes me understand him a lot better. It makes my heart beat faster for him, that he’s this protective of her.

She’s the kind of person you’d give things up for.

He’s the kind of person I’d give things up for. Like the fucking election, without a moment’s regret.

“Where’s May Ella?” Johnny asks, after he hugs his mom and helps her back to her seat.

“She’s at work, but she’ll be home in a little bit. Can I get you some iced tea? Or lemonade?” Sue Ann asks.

“I’ll get it,” Johnny says, encouraging her to stay put while he goes into the kitchen and gets us all drinks. Denise goes with him, and I hear them chatting in low voices. I’m guessing Johnny is quizzing Denise on Sue Ann’s condition.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe because of Johnny’s description of his early life, I’d imagined us going to a depressing place, perhaps in a trailer park littered with trash and weeds. Instead, his mom is being well taken care of in a sparkling, cheerful home, while Johnny made do with the bare minimum he needed to survive. That thought hits me harder than anything, because I can see that his sacrifice to her was complete. Even though he thinks he’s a failure, he isn’t.

She needs a new kidney, yes. She’s on dialysis, which clearly affects her life. But she’s living comfortably thanks to him.

A surge of pride rushes through me at the same time I get inordinately sad. Because this has come at what cost to him?

Now that I see how much he’s given her, I’m torn. Part of me wants to take him away so he doesn’t have to worry about anything ever again. Part of me wants to celebrate what a giving person he is.

One thing I know: If I try to change him, it’ll backfire. Johnny thinks it’s wrong to keep things for himself. He’s always giving—money to his mother; pleasure and support to me; amazing care to animals, based on what Bronwyn has told me.

I need to come up with a way to give Johnny something just for himself. And help him understand that he’s worth treating just as well as he treats his mom.

After Johnny and I visit with his mom for a while, his sister comes home. She’s pretty, like Johnny, but seems a bit beaten down. Maybe it’s from being on her feet all day. She says hello, then excuses herself to go freshen up. I hear a shower turn on. I imagine managing a Taco Bell leaves you feeling pretty grimy.

She’s back before long, damp hair in a braid, still looking tired but smiling. She downs a glass of water, and the four of us chat for a few minutes. Denise is always nearby, and she occasionally contributes to the conversation, but mostly she stays in the background.

“Will you play for us, May?” Johnny asks, after May Ella’s had a little time to relax.

May Ella grins. “Sure.” She goes out of the room and returns holding a violin. Settling it under her chin and on her shoulder, she holds the bow up, poised for a moment, and then just lets fly.

Holy shit, I get goose bumps. I’ve been to the symphony, of course, and it sounds to me as if May Ella’s good enough to play in a major orchestra. She’s got the passion and skill, and her music rips your heart to pieces and then sews it up again.

I glance at Johnny, and he’s watching her, rapt, his eyes welling with tears. This is his childhood, I realize. While teenage Johnny probably did more manual jobs, this is how May Ella would get people to give them money for food. This is one of the ways that they were able to support themselves—with the art that she’s creating with her instrument. It’s soul-deep.

I hadn’t thought that visiting Johnny’s mom would be so emotional for me. I’d thought that we were taking this trip for him. But maybe that’s not all there is to it. Maybe this was something that I needed to see. To help me get to know him better.

We stay the night in a hotel and come back the next day to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Johnny takes charge of the bird, and May Ella and I handle the sides. His mom tries to help, but she’s just too frail, so we settle for her supervising.

Sitting around a Thanksgiving table with my husband, my new in-laws (what a concept!), and Denise, a wave of gratitude passes over me.

Gratitude that Johnny listened to me when I told him not to kill himself. Gratitude that he came home with me. That he helped his mama. That he’s now getting help.

That I have a new family, even when I didn’t intend it.

We wash the dishes and watch some football, and then it’s time to leave for our hotel. It’s been a long day, and Sue Ann’s clearly tired.

After we say goodbye and promise to visit again, she takes one of our hands in each of hers and says, “It’s so good to see you boys making each other happy. I love you both, and I hope this is just the first of a whole lotta holidays together.”

“We love you, too,” I say, and Johnny looks at me with hearts in his eyes.

As we pull out of the driveway, I tell Johnny I have a surprise for him. “Tomorrow, we’re gonna go out to the coast,” I say. “I know a place that I think you’ll really like.”

CHAPTER 28

Johnny

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