Page 98 of Notorious

My jaw drops. Is that what he’s been thinking, still? That this is some kind of publicity stunt? Or that it’s transactional, what we can do for each other?

I think of his list of expenses that he intends to pay me back for. He’s started cashing his paychecks and putting money in an envelope for the clothes and the therapy deductibles, but I haven’t touched it.

I shake my head. “That’s not what this is for me. I’ve been feeling like,” I gesture between us, “like we’re in a relationship.” His shoulders go ramrod straight. “And I really like you.” More than like. But I can’t say that, not with the way he’s reacting so far. I stumble onward. “So I was wondering if you, I don’t know, wanted to try giving a real relationship a shot. Being my boyfriend in addition to being my husband.”

A sad look passes over Johnny’s face, and he shakes his head. My stomach lurches. I’d tried to prepare myself for this, but on some level, I’d believed that he liked me—in that way—too.

But maybe this has been one-sided, nothing but fan worship. Where I’ve tricked myself into thinking it’s real.

His next words surprise me, though. “You don’t want me.”

I narrow my eyes and fold my arms over my chest. “What? I just told you I do.”

He drops his chin to his chest. “I come with more baggage than an airline.”

“We all have baggage. And I’m pretty sure I know what I’m getting into with you. We haven’t known each other long, and I know this is a weird situation. I like you, and I thought you liked me, too, but I guess you don’t. So I’m sorry, now I’ve gone and made this weird. Fuck!”

He puts both arms on my shoulders and faces me head on. “Wait, darlin’. This has nothing to do with me liking you. I like you more than you’ll ever know.”

“Okay. Then you just don’t want to be in a relationship?”

“That’s not what I said. I do. But you deserve so much better than me.”

“Oh, stop that bullshit,” I snap. “I get to decide who’s good enough for me and who isn’t. If that’s even a thing. I want you, Johnny. I want you to be mine.”

“Guess that’s hard for me to believe. I’ve had it in my head that we were quittin’ when you were done with the Senate stuff. Like you said in the car when we came here from Vegas.”

I run a hand down my face and look up at some seagulls circling overhead. “Well, believe me, right now, that I want you, and I want to try it. Try being boyfriends.”

“I want you more than anything,” he whispers. “You see me, the real me. Not just the character I used to play.”

“Then give us a chance.” I hate that I’m begging. I’m pretty sure I’ve never begged for anything in my life. But I want him, and I’m not afraid to look weak in front of him. “Will you go out with me? Be my boyfriend? Try this for real?”

“Yes,” he says so quietly I almost miss it, but when I leap into his arms, he catches me and kisses me soundly. “Yes, this is real,” he repeats. “I want to be real with you. Boyfriends. Exclusive boyfriends.” He smirks. “And husbands.”

A shiver runs through my body at his words and the way his hands feel cupping my ass. My legs are wrapped around his waist, and I’m holding on to his shoulders so he doesn’t have to support my full weight. Even though I know he’s plenty strong enough to do so easily.

I don’t care that we’re in public in a very popular area of Los Angeles where a photographer could pass by at any time.

Whatever. I’m kissing my husband. Who is now my boyfriend. It’s a free country, and, I realize, this is exactly what I’m fighting for as a politician. I’m fighting for the right to love who I want to love. Yes, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Johnny, even if he’s not in love with me. I can try. I can see if this can develop into love.

He brushes his lips over my mouth one more time before gently lowering me to my feet, and we grin goofily at each other. “Boyfriends?” he asks.

“Yeah. Boyfriends. You good with that?”

“Giddy,” he admits. “Been a long time since I’ve felt giddy. What in tarnation?”

“I think that’s dopamine or something. Knowing someone likes you a lot and wants to try being real with you can make you feel good.”

“It certainly is making me feel better.”

I squeeze his hand. “I know a way I could make you feel even better,” I say pointedly, looking at the growing bulge in his tight jeans. His dick is almost always visible, it’s so big, but right now there’s a pole going down his leg, as graphic as a Tom of Finland drawing. In fact, Johnny’s right out of one of those vintage pictures, with his classic hypermasculine looks and cowboy persona.

He leans down and nips at my neck, then wraps a hand around my waist. “Thought we were going on a walk.”

“Ugh. We are. Fine. But when we get back? We’re getting naked.”

Johnny grins and kisses me. “Okay, precious. Lead the way.”

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