Page 41 of Alien God

And then there was the way my body had responded – a betrayal even more perverse. I’d been unable to even try to pull away, to do anything but hold my breath and shiver under his touch, hot and cold and confused.

By the time evening rolled around, something I could track by the way light moved and stretched through the thick crystal walls in the windowless tower, I was convinced I was going out of my mind. Stockholm syndrome? A head injury I’m not aware of? That had to explain the riot of feverish sensation that had gripped me when the male, the monster who’d killed my friends, had held my arm.

At least he didn’t make it hurt more... When he’d first grabbed me, and I’d cried out and flinched, he’d immediately loosened his grip. And he’d seemed to tell me earlier that he wasn’t going to kill me. That has to be a good sign, right? At least where my safety is concerned. Or maybe it really was Stockholm syndrome, and I was looking for signs of kindness in gestures that were barely more than merciful. He’d admitted to killing other humans already, so really, what sort of kindness could there actually be?

At least he’s staying away for now.

The opening of the door in the evening made me jump and think I was wrong, but it was only the fox woman, coming to bring me food. She chattered gently, maybe even nervously, in their language as she brought in a tray. Outside in the hall, the male fox alien stood where he’d been all day, a new fixture that made me wonder if Asha Wylfrael had left the tower entirely.

If he’s gone, maybe I can get these two more on my side...

It was clear they were servants of some sort to Asha Wylfrael. They jumped to obey what appeared to be his every command. However, they also seemed kind. When the female one spoke to me, it was more like a nurse talking to a patient, or someone speaking to a skittish wild animal, than a guard to a prisoner. Neither of these fox aliens had ever touched me, and at times the female one seemed almost uncomfortable, like she wasn’t happy about the fact I was trapped here.

Maybe I was reading far too much into the emotions of alien beings I didn’t understand.

Or maybe this could be some kind of opportunity.

“Thank you for the food,” I said brightly, smiling and nodding at the woman. Her cat-like green eyes went huge in shock at the way I was addressing her after a day of silence from my end. She placed a tray on the table and then shyly smiled back.

She started speaking, repeating one word in particular, Aiko, Aiko, while gesturing towards herself with two closed fists.

“Aiko... Is that your name? You’re Aiko?” I pointed at her.

Her smile widened, and her fists opened and closed in a quick movement. Unlike Asha Wyflrael, who had hands similar to a human’s (apart from the claws and glowing stars, that is,) the fox people’s were different. More paw-like, with three fingers and a thumb.

She closed her fists again and aimed them towards me, repeating a lilting phrase that I tried to understand even though there was no chance I would.

“Do you want to know my name?” I asked, hoping that was it. “I’m Torrance.” I repeated my name several times, as she had done, and mimicked the way she’d used her fists to point at herself. I was rewarded with yet another smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back. She seemed excited to know my name, and that buoyed my hopes. They wouldn’t want to learn my name if I was just a faceless alien prisoner. They wanted to know who I was, to see me as a person despite the circumstances. Not like him, who only seemed to care about molesting my bruised wrist and making sure that I didn’t run away or starve on his watch.

“What about you?” I asked, looking out the door to the fox alien on the landing outside my room. “What’s your name?”

This one seemed less sure than Aiko, and he looked to her for answers. Even though he was bigger than Aiko, I got the sense that he was younger, or that maybe Aiko was his boss. She said something to him, and he finally made eye contact with me, aiming his fists at his chest.

“Shoshen.”

“Nice to meet you, Shoshen. I’m Torrance.” I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile and then headed for the table. I sat down without being told and would eat without being told, too. I wanted Aiko and Shoshen to see that I was willing to work with them. That I could be a good little human. Maybe they’d start to trust me.

The lunch Aiko brought earlier had been more of the same as breakfast. The burgundy bread was crumbly and tasted faintly of beets, but was good. The paté stuff had turned out to be some sort of mashed smoked fish which was surprisingly delicious, especially when smeared on the bread. The shiny beads, less so. They were fish eggs, I was pretty sure, rubbery and too difficult for me to force down.

Dinner, though, was different. No stew today, but instead thinly sliced dark meat arranged in a spiral, stuffed with... Well, I wasn’t sure yet. The drink was yet more of what I’d had before – a slightly sour dairy concoction sweetened with something akin to honey. I didn’t mind the taste, and it didn’t upset my stomach, but I really wanted water. I was too afraid to drink water directly from the tap in case there was some sort of alien microbe in it.

I picked up the meat thing, holding it like a burrito, and took a bite.

I nodded enthusiastically and made “mmm!” sounds at Aiko, who seemed pleased by my reaction. I wonder if she made this, I thought as I took another bite. It actually was quite good. The stuffing was a strong sort of cheese, I was pretty sure. The meat was similar to venison, something my dad would cook every once in a while.

The sudden grief was a punch to the throat. I choked, unable to swallow the food in my mouth. Aiko stepped forward in concern, but I waved her off, reaching for my mug and chugging the milky liquid.

I ate the rest of the meal slowly, drowning in memories. I couldn’t bring myself to smile again.

Later that night, after Aiko left with my tray and Asha Wylfrael still hadn’t returned, I finally allowed myself to cry. I curled tightly under the fur bedspread, sobbing into the pillows. I wept for my dad who’d just died, for the mom who’d died before I’d ever got to properly meet her. There were tears for so much of my old life, snatched from my grip like a toy torn from a child’s hands. I cried for my friends, too. For Min-Ji and Suvi and the other women, some of whom I desperately hoped had survived all this.

And for the first time since being captured, I shook with the guilt of it all. For the fact that I was the one who’d lived when others hadn’t. I had been so focused on making sense of my new situation, of hating the fact that I was trapped, that I hadn’t stopped to realize the enormity of the fact that I had survived when my friends hadn’t.

I was alive. The people I loved weren’t. And I didn’t know how the fuck I was supposed to be worthy of that chance.

Eventually, the tears slowed, and I stared numbly at the burning boulder in the hearth.

I wanted to feel cleansed after crying.

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