Page 71 of Cillian

“Quit looking at me,” I pleaded. “You just make it worse when you look at me.”

“I can't help it,” she spoke in a weak voice, attempting to suppress a sniffle.

“Well you’re going to have to. I don’t want you seeing me like this. Seeing me as a man who can’t control himself in front of his own wife.”

The quiet returned and for as much relief as it initially gave, I had to remember that it wasn’t just me who’d experienced tonight. “I had got you something,” Queenie whimpered, before reaching in her coat pocket. “I was going to surprise you with it, but in all the commotion, I just plain forgot.” As Queenie collapsed her face into her hands to give into the sob.

“I never got a chance to get it wrapped,” she admitted sheepishly, as I pulled over the car and took the small pouch. It was a pocket watch. Not like the one I’d lost, but engraved with My Psalm 34:4-5.

“I’m sure you’re ashamed of me. Because I’m everything you said I am. Maybe worse. But I was fucking scared. Scared I was going to lose you. Scared that if something happened to you, it was going to be because of me. Because of the life I threw you in. And even if you can’t look at me the same, I sure as hell wasn’t going to have you look at me as a man who can’t protect his own wife. Fuck the life. Fuck the arrangement. Only thing bigger than me, bigger than money, bigger than this whole fucking family—is you. I ain’t brave enough to live without you. For the first time I felt like I lost myself, because if I lost you, I might as well have?—”

“Shhh…” Queenie shushed, grabbing each side of my face as we met each other’s gaze. Her eyes were wet from crying, somehow smaller than their normal soul snatching size. She just looked at me until my heartrate came down.

“I survived so much the last few hours because of you. You want to know why?” She softly asked. Shaking my head, she caressed a finger along my bloodied cheek.

“Because I was so sure you were going to come for me. I was so sure, you’d do anything—even show your worst side—to ensure nothing more happened to me. If I didn’t know you, what you’d be willing to do, I wouldn’t know the lengths you’d go to save me. But I knew you would. That helped. Yes, maybe there’s more you need to teach me. I wasn’t born into this. So you just have to teach me.”

“Of course.” Relief coursing through me, as I kissed the inside of her palms.

“But I could never be ashamed of you. And that part of you, the wolf? If that part of you didn’t exist, we wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t be looking at your face with relief instead of fear. You are my Psalm 34:4-5. There isn’t a part of me that doesn’t love every part of you.”

The words, they meant something to me. All this time I’ve been trying to show I could be a good man, but I’m learning it didn’t matter if I was a good man. It only mattered that I was good to her.

“I fucking love you Queenie. I don’t deserve you, but I love you. There ain’t a thing I wouldn’t do to fucking protect you. Even if I wind up dying on you.”

“Please don’t die on me,” Queenie beamed. “Because if you do, we’ll never get to experience that cabin you have upstate.” Both of us knew what that cabin meant. This couldn’t be something she was suggesting out of a reaction to me saving her.

“Queenie, are you sure? You’re shaken up. I’m coming down from adrenaline. You sure it’s not too soon for you?”

“Cillian, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this close to you. I just want to do it while I feel this safe. I’ve seen what the wolf does to other people. But now I want to see what he does to me.”

“Jesus, Mary, fucking Joseph. I’m fucking hard right now,” the only time I’d ever been embarrassed admitting that out loud. When she let go of my face, she reached down and tried to reach for it, but if she wanted to do this, it was better if we cleaned ourselves up first.

“No, not here. You want me to show you the wolf, give me a chance to clean up, pack a few things so our ‘afterwards’ is comfortable. You’re gonna need it and I want to give that to you. Understand?”

“Mmmhmm.” She sweetly nodded.

***

When we got home, we planned separate wash times because if we showered together, there’d be no doubt we wouldn’t be leaving this house.

My wife was a typical woman, taking forever to ready herself. But in this case, that was a good thing, as it gave me proper time to pack all the things we would need.

There were some shelf stable supplies already set up there, as whenever I was making a run not far from the small area, I was sure to always replace something on the chance Queenie had made the decision to go on a whim.

But there were still things I could afford to pack, like a night gown if she wanted it. Maybe even extra clothes if we stayed longer than intended. You couldn’t plan for something like this down to the most minute detail, but you could prepare for everything and anything else.

There was still lube and condoms from before, so it didn’t hurt to bring those. The stowaway treats would be the most challenging, as I had to tuck them into the duffle bag so Queenie wouldn’t devour them before the after. There’d always been a little something hidden in the back of the freezer. Órfhlaith was known for her special brownies, something I thought might relax Queenie if she ever let me pierce her backside again. It wasn’t something I was planning for, but if it came up, I’d be ready for her.

Dangling the surprise pocket watch she’d gotten for me, my cheeks scorched, a mix of joy and resentment all at once. This couldn’t replace the one I’d lost. But Oisín didn’t always feel like home, but she’d always felt like home.

My Psalm 34:4-5. I was her safe space.

Not wanting to lose it the very first day in my possession, I laid it out on the dresser so I could easily find it when we returned. I fucking loved that woman and now, I was about do things to her that she’d never forget.

By the time she was ready, I threw a small bag over my shoulder as I’d been waiting the last half hour on her getting ready. “That’s all you’re bringing?” As she reached for me hand, and I led her to the elevator.

“No. But I’ve already loaded the car with the big stuff. It’s easier to not be nervous when you can’t see what I brought.” The statement made her cling to me closer, holding onto my arm like her life depended on it.

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