Page 79 of Cillian

“Overwhelmed.”

“I think that's normal. You trusted me with a lot tonight. More than I deserve, I reckon. But now that you're here, up here,” he said with a tap to my forehead. “I want you to know how much I love you. How much you mean to me. And there ain't a thing I wouldn't do for you. Am I being good for you?” He asked, an assessment of his gentle touch.

“Mmmhmm.”

“I packed you some snacks. Thought it might help you with the low that comes with it.” I perked up.

“Like what?”

“Well, there was already some hot chocolate in the cupboard. But I packed your favorite chocolate chip biscuits and milk. And I remembered to bring your favorite sweets, like that fun dip that’s basically just sugar in a pouch. I don’t see how you stomach that. What would you like to start with?”

“I still don’t understand why you call them biscuits over there, but I’ll do the chocolate chip biscuits,” I teased. I tried to sit up but he offered to get them for me, assuring me “Don’t get up. I’ll get them.”

I figured I could survive just a few minutes without him if cookies were involved. Cillian slipped into some shorts and rummaged in the modest kitchen, placing cups and plates on a small tray before returning with said tray. He laid it on the coffee table nearby leaning into kiss me for what felt the tenth time.

“You alright?” He asked, as he broke a cookie in half, dipped it in milk and fed it to me.

“Mmmhmm.” I replied, with a mouthful of sweetness. “You look so different after a session like that,” I said, referencing our first time going dark.

“Oh, yeah? Is that a good or a bad thing?”

“I don't know,” suddenly not knowing what to say.

“Do you want to talk about it some?”

“And just?—"

“Well, yeah. Tell me how you felt about the things that I did. What you liked and didn’t care for. The bits that scared you. I want to tailor the experience more to the things that excited you, given that there will even be a next time. I don’t want to do something you didn’t enjoy because the more fun you have, the more you’ll be open. Because if I’m completely honest, I loved spending this time with you.” He broke off another part of the cookie and brought it to my mouth.

“I don’t know, it’s like, you were like a completely different person during it. I tried to prepare myself but nothing can really prepare you for that.”

“Okay,” he said with a straight face, but I could tell he was nervous.

“I know for sure that I felt desired. I mean, your hands are usually over me but never like that. It was like I brought something out of you, and the scary part was just not knowing how dark you were going to go. I think once I was in this headspace, the worst part was coming out of it. Maybe I didn't feel one hundred percent safe in it, but knowing it was over was where I lost my sense of familiarity and security.

Cillian leaned in and kissed my bare stomach, soothing his palm across my thigh and backside.

“You know, if it scares you, next time you can be the one in control. So that you can see that there's nothing to be afraid of.”

“Men like not being in control?” I eyed him curiously.

“Sometimes. It's grand, but there are times where being in control is exhausting. I’ve never done it before but, I don't know, sometimes I have fantasies.

“Really?” I perked up, curious to what he fantasized about not being in control. “What do you imagine when you think about it?” He shrugged.

“I think it helps to remember a time that you didn't particularly enjoy. For me, it was getting arrested. It was degrading and dehumanizing. Obviously being arrested ain't exactly no rush, but I don't know. I thought about a lady copper, especially one that looks like you having her way with me. Knowing she’s the one with the power in the moment. Ordering me to do things to her. Making me feel like nothing, but in a good way. That's what I think about.”

It shocked me to hear him describe himself being excited with what felt like a power imbalance, something he’d experienced before and shaped his disconnection from lovemaking.

Perhaps, it was a way to experience it in a healthier way. One where, in actuality, he did have all the control. Would I be able to manage that without getting it wrong? He claimed he'd never done anything like tonight, but you'd never know it by how it came so naturally to him.

“You're a woman, so you probably couldn't do it the way that I can do it to you. But I ain’t like, some my-way-or-the-highway kind of lad. As long as it's only with you, I feel like I can go anywhere, do anything. And still have the comfort of a loving wife waiting for me,” he admitted, which suggested that perhaps he’d tried it before but maybe not the way he wanted.

“What do you picture me doing?” I smiled.

“I mean, I shouldn't get to dictate it too much. That's the point of not being in control. But in my dreams, I let you search me. Let you tell me I'm worthless and how I won’t amount to nothing. But you do all the stuff you'd like me to do to you. Kiss your body, and not just like the obvious parts. Believe it or not, lads fancy that too. But everyone thinks that the only thing we like being groped or tugged on, are our mickeys. I've been to prison; not really a place I'd like to revisit, but the thought of a lady copper or a female CO, taking advantage of me and making my time locked up more comfortable. That's the kind of thing I fantasize about.”

It went without saying that I harbored a lot of guilt with my testimony being the reason he got put away. That’s why for him, I’d at least try it. Even though his guidance was intense, it had worked wonders for my own personal development. Made me less scared of the things I let control my fear.

---