Page 43 of No Take Backs

Even saying the words hurts me in a way I’m not prepared for, but I know I can't hold anything back.

Not when it comes to Nia.

Especially not when I know without a doubt that I’m in love with her, and there is no way in hell I can live without her in my arms every single night.

17

NIA

Josh is still asleep, his chest rising and falling with the steady rhythm of deep slumber, when I quietly slip out of bed. I stand for a moment, just watching him, feeling a pang of guilt that I’m about to leave without waking him. His face is so peaceful, almost boyish in its tranquility, a stark contrast to the intense passion we shared just hours ago. As I tiptoe through the room, grabbing my clothes from where they’re scattered across the floor, I can’t help but think about the similarities between this morning and the last time I snuck out of his bed.

That last time, I’d left after the most amazing night I’d ever had, my heart pounding with fear and regret. I hadn’t wanted to face the reality of what we’d done, of what it meant for me to stay. I was running away from him, from my feelings, from everything that terrified me about what we were becoming. All after one night.

But this time, it’s different.

This time, I’m not running away.

I’m simply stepping out for a while, knowing I’ll be coming back to him. Knowing that this time, he’s not someone I need to run from but someone I want to return to.

I just need to process this.

The change and what it means for me.

For us.

Like every single time, Josh spent the entire night making sure that all of my fantasies were played out to completion. Including the one where he used my bra as a rope and tied me to the headboard we bought specifically to modify so he could bind me to it.

But unlike the last time I left him asleep in a bed, I have every single intention of returning to him after I’m done with the shit I have to take care of.

In fact, not only do I leave him a note on the coffee pot, which I know he is going to need to use, but I also send him a text letting him know where I’m going and when I’ll be back.

No, I don't tell him why. But honestly, I’m not exactly sure why I’m going either, except for the fact that I am keeping a promise to a friend.

Although, that is a stretch for mine and Eddie's relationship, especially given our history. It is more the fact that I promised I would do whatever I could to help him after I broke his heart.

"You ready?" Eddie’s voice pulls me from my thoughts as I step outside.

He’s leaning against his car, holding out a steaming cup of coffee. The rich aroma of caramel drifts toward me, and I can’t help but smile. He remembers. He always did have a knack for the little things, the details that made me feel seen.

“Thanks,” I say, taking the cup from him. The warmth of the coffee seeps into my hands, and I take a moment to savor the first sip. It’s perfect, just the way I like it. Smooth, sweet, with just the right amount of bitterness to remind me that this isn’t a dream, that I’m awake and ready for the day.

“We’ve got a little bit of a drive to get there in time,” he adds, glancing at his watch, his brow furrowed slightly.

I nod, sliding into the passenger seat and buckling up. “Yeah, let’s hit the road.” There’s a hint of tension in the air, a reminder that this isn’t just a casual road trip. There’s something heavy hanging between us, something that needs to be addressed, but neither of us is quite ready to bring it up yet. I take another sip of coffee, letting the warmth settle in my chest, and try to focus on the road ahead, rather than the storm of emotions swirling inside me. "Thanks for this. I didn't get up in time to make anything, so I'm glad you did."

"No problem." Eddie smiles as he pulls out of my driveway and heads out of town in the early morning fog. "Thank you for doing this. I know it’s a huge ask.”

"No problem," I echo hollowly.

Although, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not doing it for him. I’m doing it for myself. To ease the guilt I've felt for the last six years.

Six years where I've constantly faced the reminder of what I did to him and what our breakup did.

"How's your mom doing?" I change the subject that he doesn’t know my mind is leaning toward, and Eddie smiles as his thoughts clearly drift to his parents.

"Good. Dad really likes the whole snowbird lifestyle. They're only in Maine for the summers now, and I think this winter they're headed to Arizona. Some town in the middle of nowhere that has the best ‘dunes’ he said he's ever seen."

I laugh, unable to help myself. "I still can't believe they're retired and traveling the country to do all the fun stuff we dreamed about as kids."

---