Page 45 of No Take Backs

"Officer Stryker." One of the women from the panel calls his name. "If you would stay, sir. I have a question for you."

Eddie freezes and then turns back to them without returning to the podium that he stood at earlier.

"Can you please tell us, Officer Stryker. If there was one thing that Mr. Williams took from you that you can never get back, what would it be? What price would you place on that item?"

Eddie turns then, and his eyes land on me.

"I lost the love of my life as a direct result of Mr. Williams' actions." His words tear into me. "If I had to quantify what he took from me, I wouldn't be able to name a price on losing something that precious. And I hope that no one on the panel ever has to suffer the same loss. Because there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to go back in time and undo what was done to me. I’d walk a different path. I’d choose a different career. Anything to keep that pain away. I can’t quantify what I lost, because to me there’s nothing left but a gaping hole where forever was supposed to be.”

Buzzing fills my ears, and my limbs grow numb.

I’m so sorry, I mouth the words to him, but Eddie shakes his head.

When parole is denied, he doesn’t say a word.

When we walk out of the building an hour later, he doesn’t say anything.

In fact, it isn’t until we are a mile from my house that either of us says a single thing.

“I’m sorry,” I choke out through a raw throat. “I am so sorry, Eddie.”

“Don’t be.” He pulls into the driveway and shifts the vehicle into park. “You did what you thought you had to do.”

“I didn’t have to leave when you were still in the hospital recovering from being shot,” I cry and don’t bother wiping the tears from my eyes as they start to fall. Nor does Eddie reach across the console like he would have once upon a time to do it himself. “I am so sorry,” I repeat again, halting through the words that hurt even as I say them.

“You broke me.” Eddie lowers his forehead to the steering wheel before turning to look at me through hooded eyes. “You broke me when I didn’t think I could be any more broken.”

“I didn’t love you,” I tell him for the first time, admitting the truth that I’ve kept from everyone. “Seeing you hurt, I knew that you deserved to have someone by your side who really loved you. Who deserved the love you have. That wasn’t me.”

“I know.” Eddie does reach over the console then, but not to wipe my tears. He squeezes my hand with his. “Thank you for coming with me, even if it was torture for you to be in that room with me.”

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” I tell him honestly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t ever love you the way you deserved, Eddie.”

Eddie smiles then, surprising the ever-loving shit out of me. “I think you’ve found someone to love that way.” He nods toward my window, where I turn to see Josh sitting on the front steps, waiting for me.

“Maybe one day,” I admit with a sad smile.

Eddie laughs as I open the door and step out. “If that’s what you want to tell yourself.”

When I shut the door and he pulls away, Josh gets up and starts my way.

Maybe Eddie is right. But I won’t be telling him that anytime soon.

I won’t be telling anyone.

18

JOSH

You know those horror movies where everything seems to be going perfectly, the sun is shining, and everyone’s smiling, but there’s this undercurrent of tension that you can’t quite shake?

That eerie feeling that something terrible is lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce when you least expect it?

Yeah, that’s what I keep expecting my life to turn into at any moment.

It’s like I’m living in the calm before the tsunami collides with land, right when the water rushes out to sea before crashing back and destroying everything in its wake. And no matter how much I try to convince myself that things are finally falling into place, there’s this persistent knot of anxiety in my gut that won’t go away. Every good moment, every laugh, every kiss with Nia—it’s like I’m holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

After Nia went to the prison with Eddie for the parole hearing of the man who shot him, she seems happier. Less reserved than she’s been with me before. And it scared the shit out of me, if I’m being honest.

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