Page 88 of How We Loved

I realize now that I haven’t felt this way in a while. Even when I was with Trevor. He never gave me this level of comfort that I feel in Ben’s arms.

“Thank you for being there for me,” I whisper, realizing I haven’t really had the chance to do so.

He holds me tighter. “I’ll always be here for you.”

A second later, he loosens his grip on me and steps back. The stoic Ben of the day returning in a blink of an eye.

I purse my lips, not wanting to question what’s going on right this second, and try like hell to hold on to that feeling he gave me just a little longer.

We never discussed Ben coming to pick me up for school, so I shouldn’t be surprised when he doesn’t. It still hits me harder than it should.

What have I done to our friendship? To us?

I know this is all my fault. I pushed him away. It hurt then, but now, it feels like I can’t breathe without him.

It’s funny how I should be a mess over Trevor with what he did to me and losing that relationship, but compared to the confusion I’m feeling with Ben right now, it’s not even a sliver of occupied room in my head.

How could I care for Trevor, then—poof—just be done with him that quickly?

When my mind is only on Ben, I guess …

It’s not just on our friendship that I keep thinking about. Last night, in his arms, I realized something I’d known for years, but suddenly, it all made more sense.

I had known my friendship with him was different from one with anyone else, but I always thought it was just that—a friendship. He’s my person, and your person should be different to you.

But what if that difference is more than a friendship?

I could breathe so much better when he was holding me like that. It’s crazy how something as simple as breathing could make that much of a difference that it makes you stop and think.

When you feel a connection between you and another human being that’s so strong there are no words to explain it. It’s like he gives you this extra part of your body that makes breathing such a beautiful thing, comforting thing, amazing thing, making you want to live right there for eternity.

It’s like you’re breathing in the life he’s giving you.

I can’t explain it, but it’s something I’ve always gotten from him. Something I didn’t realize until it was gone.

I grab my keys from the counter I set them on last night and walk up to my dad. I haven’t told him anything about what happened. I don’t want him to worry. Trevor is out of my life, and I’ll tell him we broke up in a day or two, so it’s just a thing that happened and not this big event that it actually was.

“Love you, Daddy.”

He stands from his seat at the kitchen table, where he has documents spread out to review while he’s eating his breakfast.

He gives me a big hug. “Love you too, baby girl. Have a good day at school.”

I head to my car, then to school. Once I’m there, I walk to our couches and see Ben already there. I stand next to him, leaning on the arm of the couch, waiting to see if he’ll pick me up to put me on his lap, like he always did in the past. When he doesn’t, it solidifies that I’ve officially ruined our friendship, and I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to get back to that point.

I decide Ben and I need to talk, so I head to his house, not telling him I’m coming over. After school, I had cheer practice, and basketball practice for him had officially started, so I waited to come over until I knew he’d be home.

Knocking on his front door feels so foreign, but under the circumstances, I don’t feel right, just letting myself in, like I normally would.

Sandy opens the door with confusion written all over her face. “Oh, Maya. It was unlocked.”

I force a grin, hating to admit to her that I didn’t even try. “I know. Is Ben here?”

She narrows her eyebrows at me. “Yeah, come on in. I think he’s just getting out of the shower.”

I step in and stand off to the side with my hands clasped in front of my body. She places her palm on my shoulder, knowing something isn’t right, but giving me space and not asking, which I’m grateful for.

“I’ll go get him,” she says with a smile.

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