Page 91 of How We Loved

“He doesn’t know, and, no, no cops were called. I handled it.”

“You handled it?” Her eyebrows rise in motherly concern.

I put my hands on the desk behind me and look up to the ceiling, begging God for forgiveness for what I am about to say. “I was going to kill him, Mom. No doubt in my mind.”

She stands and rushes to me. “Baby.” Her voice is laced in concern and fear at the same time.

“Eli had to drag me off of him. If he wasn’t there, no one else would have been able to stop me.”

My own fear washes over me, and I close my eyes. I never want to feel that out of control ever again.

She places her palm on my face. Her simple touch calms my racing heart as I relive that night.

“I was supposed to protect her.” The dam I’ve been holding up finally breaks, and tears fall down my face. “I promised her mom I’d protect her, and I failed.”

“Oh, baby.” She wraps her arms around me, and I cry into her shoulder. “You couldn’t have stopped this. Maya is a big girl. She’s going to date, and unfortunately, she needs to learn who is good and who is bad in this world. You can’t be there by her side forever.”

“But I knew he wasn’t a good guy. I tried to warn her.”

“Is that why you guys fought on Thanksgiving?”

I pull away from her hug, needing to walk around to rid this energy flying through me. “He didn’t like us being friends, and she was pushing me away.”

“And you didn’t like that, did you?”

“Hell no, I didn’t.”

She chuckles at how fast I answered her question.

“Want to talk about why that bothered you so much?”

She raises her eyebrows, and I drop my head back with a sharp laugh.

I know she’s waited my entire life to hear this, so here I go. “Yes. Fine. I love her.” I open my arms out wide. “Are you happy now?”

She laughs. “Not if it causes you to act like this.” She raises her arms and moves them up and down, pointing at my body and what’s going on with me right now.

“I’m not supposed to love her,” I admit.

She moves toward me, placing her hand on my back. “And why do you think that?”

“I’m supposed to protect her.”

“And you don’t think loving her will do that?”

I step away from her and plop down on my bed. “You don’t get it.”

“Whatever is going on in your mind needs to stop. I’ve watched you guys for years. I knew you both were in love with each other. You just needed to figure it out for yourselves.”

I look at her, silently asking her to go on because what she’s saying is helping the tiniest bit.

She comes to sit down next to me. “You think I don’t see you guys, but I do. I’ve seen you both fast asleep in the barn, completely wrapped around each other as you sleep. That’s nothing but love. I knew you would figure it out eventually, but you needed to go through things like this before you did.”

“But she obviously doesn’t feel the same way about me,” I admit even though it feels like a stab to my heart.

“Why do you think that?”

I stand up, frustrated all over again. “Because she was dating Trevor.”

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