Page 117 of Don't Go Faking My Heart

“Guys, I am not okay! All of this is a clear cry for help! Isn’t that what people say when women change their hair dramatically? ‘They don’t need bangs, they need therapy.’”

Millie’s eyes sharpen. “What bozo says that?”

“Every bozo on the internet.”

“You don’t need therapy because you straightened your hair and cleaned your room. You need a hair mask and a medal. Decluttering is the worst.”

And just like that, I burst into tears.

“Ash!”

My friends jump up, pull my chair out from the conference table, and take turns hugging me.

“You guys don’t think I’m broken?”

“No!” they all cry.

Millie sweeps the hair from my face. “Do you think you’re broken?”

“I think I’m tired and stressed and afraid Rusty’s breaking up with me.”

“In other words, not broken,” Millie says.

“No.” Just saying it out loud calms me. I’m sad, but I’m not broken.

“If Rusty doesn’t think he can be with you, it has nothing to do with you,” Lou says, crouching next to me.

“It doesn’t, right? I know I’ve driven other men away, but?—"

"You didn't drive Frank away,” Lou says. “You chose yourself over his manipulation. Same with Philip. You broke up with him.”

I screw my lips up. "I didn't," I admit, a tear leaking down my face. “You guys had that intervention and told me how worried you were, but when the time came, I couldn't do it. He did. He said he couldn’t be with someone who ‘explodes weirdness wherever she goes.’”

“Oh, Ash! Why didn’t you tell us?” Jane says.

“Because you guys were all so proud of me! You acted like I was a hero for following the script you gave me, but even when I knew exactly what to say and do, I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough.”

"You were,” Millie insists. “You always held pieces of yourself back with him, and he knew it. He preempted you so he could always hold this power over you."

I wave my hand around like I’m waving away a bad smell. “I don’t care about Philip. I hate that he broke up with me first, but I’m so glad to be rid of him, I literally cannot care.” I groan. “I care that you guys have had to pick me up a thousand times. I care that Greg never wanted to legally adopt me. I care that Rusty’s in such a bad place, he won’t even talk to me.”

“Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s start from the top. Do you think you’ve never picked us up?” Jane asks. Why are her eyes wet? “You flew out to visit me when I first came to Sugar Maple and felt so alone.”

“And you rushed over to babysit Lottie the second you found out my sister was in the hospital,” Millie says.

“And you saved me during a full breakdown in the middle of Sonny’s family reunion.”

“And you’ve been my biggest champion since the day you found out who I am,” Lou says. “If you’re not safe to fall with the people you’ve caught, who are you safe to fall with?”

“Besides,” Millie says, “friendship isn’t about needing people, it’s about trusting people. We trust you, Ash. Whatever’s going on, you can handle it. And if you want help, you’ve got it.”

“You’ve got us,” Lou adds.

I give them a sad, wet smile. “I don’t know if I’ve done something to push Rusty away. But at the same time, I can’t change for one more guy.” I grab my hair. “I can straighten my hair when I’m going through a crisis, but I can’t stop being me. Not even if it’s too much for him.”

“Do you really think you’re too much for him?” Parker asks.

The old me would have, but I’m not that girl anymore. And even if I’m wrong, I won’t become her again. “No,” I cry. “I think I’m perfect for him.”

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