Page 127 of Don't Go Faking My Heart

"Then it's settled! We transition from fake dating to real dating and keep going forever."

"We can't."

She chews on the inside of her cheek as her eyes well. If I didn't already feel like the worst person in the world, this would push me over the edge. I promised I would never hurt her.

Everything Arlo said about me is right. I'm a bad person. I'm no better than he is. I may not be a mean, miserable drunk, but I hurt people even when I'm trying to do the right thing.

I make myself sick.

And I've made Ash cry.

When I open my mouth, my voice sounds like it's coming from the dust. "We can't be together, Ash."

"Why not?"

"Because look what I’ve done to you! I can’t pretend everything is fine and that we can get the happy ending we both want."

She dashes a tear from her cheek. "What have you done to me?"

"I did exactly what Philip did! I hurt you! I made you cry! I erased you today!" I point to her, even though she's wearing her glasses and teal sweats instead of her earlier colorless appearance, and the humidity has already made her hair wave.

"I had a bad night last night, got a little carried away, and dressed up in boring clothes for a meeting. It's not a big deal!"

"I made you feel like you had to change yourself to earn my love. I would never want you to be with someone who could make you feel like you're not perfect the way you are!"

Her unnaturally large eyes drill into me. "Rusty, I'm not perfect the way I am. I'm a work in progress. I can accept and like myself and still make mistakes and stupid choices that I need to learn from. This is one of them! I overreacted because I was scared I drove you away."

"You could never drive me away!"

"Then who could? Who's keeping us apart?" she asks. "I love you. I'm in crazy, stupid, out of control love with you. I don't know what took me so long to get here, but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

I knew her feelings were changing. I heard what she said the other night to my parents, but she actually meant it?

She loves me?

Her words should cause me joy, not soul-wrenching agony. She's everything I want and everything I don't deserve.

"You're wasting your time with me. I'm not good for you."

"I disagree."

"Look at how much pain I've caused you in twenty-four hours!"

"And look at how much happiness you've given me in the last two weeks! The last year! We're at the start of what could be a lifelong relationship. Did you expect that we would never step on each other's toes or say something hurtful?"

"Yes."

"That's too high a standard!"

"It's not too high. It's the minimum."

"It's impossible."

"Then I don't deserve you! Don't you get it? My grandpa died of alcohol poisoning. Alcoholism ruined his first marriage. Whoever she was, she ran from him as fast as she could. His second wife—my grandma—didn't make it as far. She had to work two jobs to feed the family because my grandpa couldn't even hold down one. It ruined his relationship with Arlo and he died young."

"You don't drink!"

"But I can't risk it! Sometimes, Arlo had these moments of remorse, and he'd cry that he never wanted to end up like his dad. He'd beg for our forgiveness. And then a couple days later, we'd get a call from the bar again, and he'd bellow the second we got him home. I've spent my whole life trying to make sure I end up nothing like Arlo, yet I threaten and bully people just like him!"

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