‘Tomas knew you had returned the moment you rode into this valley. The facts were all against it. He could barely bring himself to voice the words lest everyone think him a madman, but he knew it was you. Ana will tell you that he never truly released you from his heart, even though everybody said you were dead, but that’s just...wild.’
Yes, it was.
‘I’d love to see him with the capacity to expand his role beyond being merely your falconer. He’s worth investing in.’
‘Merely the King’s Falconer? Is that not exalted enough?’
‘He needs more resources. Would you like to hear my plan?’
‘Perhaps. But first I have a question. What is it you want from him? Not for him. From him.’
She thought long and hard before answering. ‘I want him to feel more comfortable around me than he currently does. I want him to like me.’ There it was. ‘And I can’t get it out of my head that he’s hurting because of me. Because I left. Because I’m back. Because I didn’t write to say hi, I’m still alive. I don’t know why my presence pains him, but it does. All I can do is guess.’
‘And guess badly,’ Cas admonished.
‘Maybe if he thought of me growing up at all, he imagined someone different from who I turned out to be. Maybe I’m a disappointment. Not worth spending time on.’
There it was, her primal fear revealed—nurtured by years upon years of having to justify her existence.
‘What if it’s that?’
‘It’s not. You are a survivor. You’re smart and strong and incisive and caring and open. And you could have turned out differently after all you’ve been through. You could have been hard-hearted and resentful, suspicious and untrusting, and no one would blame you, but you’re not. You’re an inspiration. Don’t let the falconer get you down.’
‘Aw.’ She had a champion. ‘Thank you. Music to my ears.’
‘Besides, maybe you’re looking at this the wrong way around. Maybe Tomas thinks he let you down by not preventing you from being taken in the first place. Guilt might be part of his response to you.’
‘That’s just stupid.’
‘I speak from experience. Guilt plagues me that I did nothing to prevent your abduction. We lost years.’
The pain in his voice was only too real and she stopped to consider his words more carefully and form a more appropriate reply.
‘If you need my forgiveness, you have it. But Cas, you were just a kid. You and Tomas were both kids. What could you possibly have done to prevent my kidnapping?’
‘Something,’ he muttered darkly. ‘All I’m saying is that if Tomas was your unofficial secret protector, he would have guilt. I guarantee it. And our falconer doesn’t particularly like being reminded that he has feelings. That’s all I’m saying.’
‘I’m not giving up on him.’
‘What a surprise,’ he replied dryly. ‘I’m on your side, Claudia. I’m glad it went well today.’
‘Thank you for the new perspective. I’m going to keep it in mind when I corner him next. And, brother, just so you know, I’m going to knock any harbouring of guilt for the life I’ve led right out of your head too.’
‘Please,’ he offered drolly. ‘Do.’
CHAPTER THREE
CLAUDIA DECIDED TO start small when it came to desensitising Tomas to her ongoing presence in his life. She owned a falconer’s training journal written in 1770 that she’d often found useful, so she had it forwarded to her and left it on his desk with a note to look at page sixty-three and see if he agreed with the method presented for treating bumblefoot. That had led to a chance encounter out by aviary three and a lively argument about the merits or otherwise of using harsh chemicals to clean perches. Tomas had argued against it, which left Claudia to take the for position.
Neither had realised how loud they’d been getting until one of the apprentices had interrupted, with every indication of having been trying to get their attention for a while.
‘What about using a good old antiseptic soap, sunshine, and using a variety of perches and rotating them in and out?’ he’d suggested.
There’d really been no way to argue with that. Tomas had apologised for his temper, headed for open space and refused to re-engage with her for weeks.
‘He’s not one for raising his voice,’ his most senior apprentice explained when Tomas rescheduled her appointment with him yet again because of some new crisis that took him away from the fortress. ‘He’ll be kicking himself about the argument he got into with you last time you and he butted heads and trying to make sure it never happens again.’
Claudia stared at the older man, bewildered. ‘But he didn’t lose his cool. We were having a spirited intellectual debate. No falcon feet got damaged in the process.’