Page 104 of Drown in You

Now she knows the truth, she knows how long I kept lying about it, and she wants nothing to do with me.

First Pop. Then Chloe. Now Sienna. I lost them all.

Being with me cost Sienna her reputation. Way too many fucking creeps know what she looks and sounds like when she comes. From her stepbrother’s mouth.

I kept lying. Kept secrets from her, even after she finally opened up to me. Still too afraid of putting my heart fully on the line to be honest with her.

I dug my own grave.

Bud lifts his head off my leg when Ma’s heels click into the room. She’s somehow bouncier and happier than she was while Mike was here. “Well. I sent in the annulment papers.”

“You doing okay?”

“Great, actually. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.” She flings her hands in the air in emphasis. “I can tell he feels the same way. This is what’s best for all of us. I’m just sorry we had to drag you and Sienna through it.”

I stiffen at Sienna’s name. “Don’t be. We’re both happy for you.”

“Speaking of Sienna, she stopped by to see me.”

I hit Pause on the video game and toss the controller. “She came by?”

She must’ve made sure to visit when I wasn’t here. The reality makes my gut twist.

“You know, I never talked to you about how guilty I felt over your father's death.”

The change in subject throws me. “Why would you feel guilty? He had a heart attack. Nothing you could’ve done.”

Ma wasn’t even there. I was the one who was with him when it happened. The one who held his hand while he took his final breath. I’m the only one who should feel guilty.

She bites her lip when it starts to quiver, wringing her hands. “He asked me to go with you two to practice.” She clears her throat, the memory still painful. “I didn’t want to go because I was stressed with work and the house was a mess. I wanted some time alone, so I stayed home. I spent so much time after that feeling guilty. Like I could’ve done something to save him if I’d been there.”

I knew Ma mourned my pops for a long time after his death. She still does. But I had no idea she was harboring the same guilt that I’ve been hanging onto for years. “You couldn’t have done anything.”

She manages a small smile. “I know. And you need to learn that too. With your father, and with Chloe.”

I swing my feet onto the floor, ducking my head in my hands. She and Sienna have both been trying to knock sense into me for a long time. I might’ve been with Pop when he died, but that doesn’t mean there was anything I could’ve done for him. I might’ve been at that party with Chloe, but I didn’t give her that drink or push her in the pool.

Even if I wish things could be different, this is how they are. Now I have to pick up the pieces and deal with it. Figure out a way to be okay without them. What I can’t figure out is how to be okay without Sienna. Not while she’s still within reach.

“I don’t know what to do about Sienna.” I swallow around the lump in my throat. “I couldn’t open up to her. Be honest with her. Now she wants nothing to do with me. I ruined her life.”

I can’t meet my mother’s eyes while I speak the words. Too afraid to see the disappointment in them. Still too afraid.

Sienna would’ve been better off if she’d never met me. If I’d never put that mask on and sent her that message all those years ago.

“If you love her, you find her and own up to your mistakes. Be fully honest with her now.”

I was. And she ran from me. “What if that’s not enough?”

Ma pulls my hands from my face, forcing me to meet her gaze. Gentle and caring, like I’m not a disappointment. Like despite everything, she’s still grateful to have me for a son. “If it’s real love, it’s worth the risk of finding out.”

“Keep it up, Valentine!” Coach shouts across the ice.

Knox snatches up the puck I blocked from the net after Damien’s shot. He fakes left, then smacks the puck to my right shoulder.

I leap and make contact with a thud, sending it flying in the opposite direction.

Even though we’re opponents during today’s practice, Knox flashes me a proud smile. “Killing it today, Valentine!”

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