Page 79 of Drown in You

Shit. My fucking dad.

Before I can shove Luke out of bed, he grabs my chin. “Confront him.”

“What?” I hiss. “No! Go hide.”

His eyes narrow. “Not about us. About him abandoning you. Tell him how it really made you feel.”

“Fine.” I push him toward the edge of the mattress. “Just go!”

His bare ass is mouthwatering as he snatches his clothes and ducks into the closet, silently shutting the doors behind him.

“Just a second!” I call, scrambling to slip back into my shirt and shorts. “Come in!”

Even with my permission, Dad eases the door open slowly. “Good morning, kiddo. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I wasn’t sure what time you usually get up.”

I offer him a smile. “It’s okay. I was up. Just on my phone.”

“Oh, good.” He shuffles into my room like he’s uncertain of every step before perching on the edge of my mattress. “Now that we’re home, I wanted to check in. Make sure you’re adjusting to school, that you’re comfortable here.”

Thank god. He doesn’t know about me and Luke. Every tight muscle in my body relaxes. “It’s great, actually. I’m definitely comfortable here. Deb is really nice.”

He smiles. “She is very nice,” he agrees. “I’m glad you like her. And Luke?”

I stiffen, bracing for his throaty chuckle from the closet, but he keeps quiet.

He’s right, though. I need to finally confront my dad. About everything. “He’s nice too. I feel really welcome.” I clear my throat, not sure which subject I want to discuss with my father less—my new stepbrother or my parental abandonment. “I actually wanted to talk to you.”

He straightens, pressing his lips together like he knew this conversation was coming. “Of course. What’s on your mind?”

“Why did you pick gambling over us?” Just saying the words out loud brings fresh tears to my eyes. I thought I’d buried down the pain, compartmentalized it, but now that the question is out, a new wave of hurt crashes over me.

My dad drops his gaze to his lap, where his hands are clasped together. He shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, Sienna. There’s no excuse. I can only tell you what I’ve learned in therapy—that addiction is a sickness. A sickness that sometimes leads us to make the worst decisions of our lives. That makes us hurt the people we love the most.” He pauses, taking a moment to compose himself. Seeing him get choked up only brings more tears to my eyes. “My greatest regret is leaving you and your mother. Your mother made the right call, asking me to leave when I couldn’t stop.” He rubs the back of his neck, letting out a brief, self-deprecating laugh. “I’ve spent the years since trying to become better for her, to deserve her. But it wasn’t until I found therapy last year that I was able to really...start trying to be the man I’ve always wanted to be. By then, I knew it was already too late to fix my broken marriage. But with you.” His hand lands on my knee and he squeezes. “I hoped you’d still let me be your father, even if it’s a second chance I don’t deserve.”

I already want to throw my arms around him and let him hug me while I cry, but I restrain myself and bite my trembling lip. “It really hurt. You only sent me cards on holidays. I got one awkward phone call on my birthday. I thought you left because of me.” My hands and voice tremble, but I have to get this out. I have to tell him everything. “It made me feel like shit. Like I wasn’t lovable. Like I couldn’t ever make someone mad or upset with me because then they’d leave for good, and I’d never see them again. Just like you.”

He scoots closer, the hand on my knee squeezing. “I’m so sorry?—”

“And Mom.” I gasp as the tears spill down my cheeks now. My chest aches, from all the years of keeping the hurt bottled up. “You know how many times I came home to find her crying on the couch? You broke us. But I could get over you breaking me—I couldn’t get over you breaking her. Not my mom.”

The sob racks through me as my father finally wraps me in a hug, pulling me close and enveloping me in his woodsy scent. The hug I’ve been needing for years. For what feels like a lifetime.

“I’m so sorry, Sienna,” he repeats, his voice cracking. He’s trying to stay strong for both of us. He knows only one of us deserves to cry, to be comforted. “I’m sorry I hurt you, and your mom. I didn’t know how to be a dad. Or a husband. I could barely be a person.” He clears his throat. “But that’s no excuse. I’ll never make excuses for my behavior. I was wrong, and I understand if you can’t forgive me. I don’t expect it. But I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be the father you deserve, even if I never succeed.”

I nod against his chest. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully forgive him, if the pain of his abandonment will ever truly go away. But I want him in my life. I want us both to try to repair the father-daughter relationship we once had.

When we’ve both finally composed ourselves, he pulls back and swipes at a tear on my cheek. “I’m sorry you blamed yourself, Sienna. I’m sorry you lived with that feeling for so long. But you did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don’t ever think that. Not for another second.”

I nod, unable to speak, and let him hug me again. The familiar, heavy weight that’s been resting on my shoulders for so long has been lifted.

Luke did that for me. If not for him, I never would’ve confronted my father. Never would’ve gotten the closure I so desperately needed.

No matter what we are to each other, no matter what happens, I’ll always be grateful to him for that.

Chapter 20

Sienna

In the library, Juliet hunches over her phone, bored with her assignment since we sat down.I can’t believe I’ve been managing to keep my secret relationship with Luke from her. I’ve been attending classes, cheering for the Devils at hockey games, and grabbing dinner with our friends like everything is normal. I guess this is our new normal. At least until a time comes that Luke and I can be public about our relationship. If that time ever comes.

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