Page 9 of Obey

Or would he? Has he changed so much that he doesn’t have a sense of humor anymore? Or maybe the name is too personal now.

I hate admitting that I don’t know why he chose it.

It doesn’t matter right now, so I focus on Lance’s question. I have all sorts of theories about why Silvano put us together, and the biggest among them is that he’s fully aware of our… thing.

Whatever it is.

Lance doesn’t know that, though. He doesn’t know that Nayeem and I have a history that goes back over a decade, for all that it was punctuated by years of distance. He doesn’t know much about me at all, and it’s easier that way.

Easier, but lonelier. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him, or one of the others, but now that I’m capo, I can’t risk losing their respect by whining to them about relationship problems.

Past relationship problems. I don’t even know what to call what we’ve become.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I guess he figures it’ll be dangerous.”

“But you can handle yourself,” Lance asserts without hesitation. “You don’t need a bodyguard. You have us. Me and the rest of the men, you know we’ve always got your back.”

I do have them. I worked my way up, fair and square, and I earned their loyalty and respect… for now, at least.

If they knew I was getting shamefully dicked in the closet by Knives, they might not respect me anymore.

“Maybe he wants to bridge a gap between our… um…” I try to think of what to call it. In another job, we’d be different departments, but that doesn’t fit here. “Areas of expertise,” I settle on.

Lance gives me a look that implies he doesn’t believe me. I expect another rebuke, but instead he says, “Sally says I should invite you over for dinner. Like, tonight. To thank you for all the ways you’ve helped us.” He holds up his phone like he expects me to read it.

I give him a sideways glance before focusing on the road again. “So, are you inviting me?”

Lance shrugs. “If you want. It’s gotta be better than whatever else you were gonna do tonight.”

Sally is Lance’s girlfriend. She’s pregnant, and they were both having trouble making rent until I lent them the cash to cover them for a few months. I would have done it for any of my men who were having problems, and Sally’s excessive gratitude is getting uncomfortable.

“I actually have plans with a friend,” I lie. As far as Lance knows, I do have other friends. But no one’s close to me. I haven’t let anyone, not since Nayeem.

Knives.

My heart just can’t take it anymore.

“So give her my thanks and a rain check, yeah?” I make a turn just before the light turns red. “I need to report back to the boss anyway.”

“Okay.” Lance hmms pointedly. “She’ll be disappointed. And you’ll miss out on feeling the baby kick.”

The last thing I want to do is feel the baby kick. I don’t want to put my hand on a pregnant woman’s stomach and pretend to care about the new life growing inside of her. “Another time,” I lie again, knowing perfectly well I’m going to find an excuse to get out of it until he finally corners me into it. I pull up in front of his apartment building, not caring that I’m blocking traffic.

Lance gets out, but he doesn’t shut the door yet. “We’ll be home all night, if you change your mind. Sally won’t care.”

The car behind me starts honking, and somebody curses at us.

“Just go enjoy some alone time with your girlfriend,” I say. I have no plans to interrupt them, especially not when I’m in this mood.

I drive off, briefly considering going home and immediately discarding the idea. I can’t be alone with my thoughts tonight.

I’ll find someone to hurt me.

They can turn the emotional pain into something physical… into something manageable.

Call Knives. The insidious thought catches me off guard, and I grit my teeth to keep from reacting to it.

No. I’m not going to admit to him how desperately I need the pain, especially when he’s the reason for it. At the next light, I text my favorite Dom, who’s the closest to a friend I have. When he confirms he’s going to be at the Club Alpha tonight, I breathe out a sigh of relief. After he works me over, I’ll have a few hours of peace.

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