Page 121 of Playing With Danger

“When I found out I was pregnant with you it was the happiest day of my life. The first time I held you, I felt real fear for the first time. I had no idea how to be a good mother. My mother wasn’t…well, she wasn’t nice. She always told me it was important to never depend on anyone but myself. Men come and go and if you can’t support yourself you’d be destitute. I met your father and fell head over heels. I forgot everything my mother had taught me. I stayed in the US, followed him to Georgia, relied on him to take care of us, and then he left.

“And when he did, I realized my mother was right. But it was too late. I had you and I needed to find a way to support you, so I did. But I promised myself you would never forget. You would never be in the position I was in. I was overbearing and imperious in my lessons. And even when I realized what I was doing and how damaging they were, I continued because I never forgot what it was like to be so poor I couldn’t feed you and pay the bills at the same time. I never forgot what it was like to have the electricity shut off and come home from work only to find an eviction notice on the front door. Nathan warned me. For years, we’ve had disagreements regarding my continuing poor treatment of you. He thinks the world of you and has never agreed how I’ve mothered you.

“That said, he’s stayed with me. And still I didn’t see it. Or I did, I just didn’t have the courage to apologize to you and do better. Be a better mother to you. Tell you I was proud of everything you’ve accomplished. The woman you’ve become. I stayed stuck in the past, in a time when I was a scared, young girl with a baby and no way to feed her. But at no time did I not love you. Sophie Lynn, you are my world. I love you more than I love myself and I’m truly beyond measure sorry for making you feel like I didn’t.”

Scalding tears burned down my cheeks. My stomach ached, and for the first time since I’d woken up in a hospital bed, it had nothing to do with the six stab wounds.

“I didn’t know.”

“I never wanted you to know.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“Why not?”

“Because poverty and my failures aren’t something I’m proud of.”

Was she serious?

“I needed to know that.”

“Why would?—”

“Mom,” I snapped. “I needed to know. I needed to know how strong my mother is. You didn’t fail, you overcame. Those were the lessons I needed; how to fall down, get back up, and how to best any obstacle in my path. But beyond that, I needed it so I could share in that with you. So I could tell you how much I appreciate your sacrifice and hard work.”

“You were never a sacrifice.”

Okay, so maybe she had a point with that.

“Are you happy?” I asked.

“Happy?”

“Yes, are you happy? In general, with Nathan, are you happy, Mom?”

She relaxed back in her chair and looked around the living room.

“I’m happy with Nathan. He’s always made me feel loved and safe and well taken care of. In general, outside of my marriage I was content but never happy. Not until I heard you call me mom again. You stopped calling me mom around the age of ten and started calling me mother. Having mom back, that made me happy.”

I’d also told her I’d loved her but I understood. There was a difference; she’d been a mother to me up until that point.

“Are you happy?” she asked.

No hesitation.

“Blissfully, deliriously, crazy happy.”

“Then that is what I am.” She nodded. “Blissfully happy my daughter is crazy happy. Now, shall we continue to wait for the men to get home or would you like to eat your lunch? You need to take your pills and you cannot do that on an empty stomach.”

There she was.

Our heart-to-heart was over. Not that I minded; I finally got everything I needed from her.

“I’m starving, so as rude as it is, I’m eating without them. I’m also eating on the couch. Sitting at the table feels like I’m being stabbed in the stomach. Oh, wait, my crazy bitch sister already did that.”

“Sophie!” she gasped.

“This is me, Mom. Welcome to the crazy world of Sophie Huxley. It’s drama-filled but amusing.”

“You get that from me, you know,” she huffed and stood. “Ask Nathan. I died twice yesterday because there was a spider on the ceiling.”

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