Page 71 of Playing With Danger

I placed my sidearm and knife next to my phone in my locker, shut the door, spun the combination lock, and headed to the showers without checking my cell. I’d washed my hands, used liquid sanitizer, but I still didn’t want to contaminate my phone. I had dog piss, naked woman, and God knows what else growing on my skin.

I needed a scalding shower and a gallon of soap.

I stepped into the stall next to Riddle and got to work.

“All joking aside, you good?” my teammate asked.

I’d fucked up and let an occupant of the house get the drop on me. That shit was unacceptable. That was how people got hurt or worse.

“That shit will never happen again. You have my word.”

“What are you talking about?”

I pumped the soap dispenser, uncaring I was using three times more than needed and before I was done I’d use half the contents.

“The woman?—”

“The woman,” he repeated in disgust. “You had her restrained. Not one of us would’ve predicted she’d turn on you the way she did. And not one of us would’ve done shit differently when she hopped up, with her bare breasts in your face and started…” he trailed off.

I didn’t need him to finish. I knew what she’d done. And if it hadn’t been me but one of my brothers I would’ve laughed my ass off.

“I know what she did. But I hesitated,” I reminded him.

“Again. Naked woman. Where were you supposed to grab her? You locked her down and contained her until Shiloh came in for the rescue. You know she’s gonna hold that over you for the rest of your life, right?”

I owed Shiloh a bottle of liquor and whatever else she wanted in return for prying the moaning, humping woman off my chest.

“But that wasn’t what I was talking about,” he went on. “You’ve been…off for the last few weeks.”

The ever-present tightness in my chest constricted into a ball of anxiety and anger.

“Everything’s good.”

Not an outright lie but still a gross exaggeration. The parts of my life that included Sophie were…mostly good. Except for the minor detail I was going to fuck this up and the best I could hope for was that I’d be the only one bleeding at the end. If Sophie could walk away unharmed it would be worth it. A few days. A few months.

I’d take all the goodness she was offering and drown in it. I’d drink it down like my father did with his booze and binge. I’d suck it back until the well was empty, then just like dear ol’ dad I’d wake up one day in a mess of my own making and hate myself.

“So, are we gonna meet this one?” Riddle prodded.

The knot in my chest loosened at the subject change but the remnants of the guilt remained.

I was a selfish motherfucker.

“We’re new,” I evaded.

“Right.”

With that, I heard the water turn off on his side of the wall.

I shoved all the unwanted thoughts of my father’s latest bender and all the bullshit that went with it. Wondering when I’d get the call he’d dried out and couldn’t find his car keys. I’d go by his house, “find” his keys, then we’d pretend he hadn’t just spent a week stupid drunk and I’d take his keys to make sure he didn’t drive anywhere while he was working through his demons with liquor. Then in a few months we’d do it again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Over and over on repeat. It never ended and it never would until his body shut down from all the punishment he’d inflicted. I’d long ago given up on him getting sober. Rehab was not what he needed. Gus Malone needed therapy. He needed to deal with the death of the woman he’d loved and the death of the daughter he adored. Until he did that, rehab was pointless. And Gus refused to acknowledge my mom and sister had once existed so he certainly didn’t acknowledge they died.

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